Deformed Musings

2011-01-01T21:49:00.000-08:00

Homemade Stew -- Another Sign I'm Healing

So tonight after working all day to clean out my cupboards, freezers, and fridge, I made a stew from scratch. Big deal, you say. Well it is a big deal for me. It's yet another sign that I've turned another corner on the road to wellness.

Nearly four and a half years ago I did nearly everything from scratch and spent a whole lot of time in the kitchen cooking food for my family. In a way, cooking was a creative outlet and one of the few things that my ex was good at telling me I did well. After my heart attack, after the kids started school, after my marriage fell apart, after my church dumped me, I kinda lost my creativity in the effort it took just to keep my head above water.

The past few years have seen me working to establish a business that would support us all as well as getting kids to and from school. It has meant long hours and survival was still the name of the game. But finally, some time is opening up for me to have some time to do things here around my home. In fact, I'm downstairs in the kitchen/livingroom more in the past month than I have been in the past year. I'm engaging with my kids and other people more. Maybe more than I ever have in my life.

Sometimes you don't know you are depressed until it begins to lift. I think I've been depressed for a long, long time. The new sense of hope and optimism I have feels very strange and I'm not used to it yet. I'm also not used to knowing that someone loves me to a depth I've never known before. Getting used to it is taking some doing, but I think I'm gonna enjoy this.

I wonder what I'll make tomorrow.

2010-12-31T17:27:00.000-08:00

Why "Deformed" Musings?

I realized after I just posted on Face Book that I might end up with some new readers who might be wondering why I called my blog , "Deformed Musings." Here's the story:

When I first started up this blog, I was in a Presbyterian micro denomination called the Reformed Presbytery of North America. I was trying to self consciously think and express myself from a Covenanted Presbyterian Christian worldview, so I called my blog, "Reformed Musings." If you go back far enough in the history to 2006, you will see how this eventually all unravelled ending with my excommunication (along with my entire local congregation) and my disenchantment with reformed churches. Hence the name change. I was feeling a bit cynical at the time.

When I think back to the amount of fear, angst, and emotional turmoil that I lived in around this time, it is like reading the story of someone I knew but who no longer exists. It's like it happened to someone else. Except I probably won't be darkening the doors of a reformed church any time soon. I still have a number of triggers that need to be disabled and in time I will get to all of them. In the meantime, the name will remain until I can think up something I like better and which is more indicative of where I really am and want to be.

2010-12-31T16:49:00.000-08:00

Divine Appointments

Today was my last day on the job for cleaning the home of one of the local doctors. They were truly a delightful family and cleaning their home was a snap. No toilets were involved!

Today I spent close to an hour and a half visiting with their guest who was there babysitting while my employers were working. It had the feeling of being yet another of those divine appointments that God apparently likes to set up for me. In fact, the number of divine appointments seems to be proliferating lately.

I attribute a lot of that to the type of work I do. When you know how to de-stress people from their various issues, including those from the past, inevitably you fall into discussions about things of the heart and soul. And inevitably, core issues about the nature of God and man get discussed.

I wish I was more competent at sharing my faith. Since having the bs and religion beat out of me by life and my own poor choices, I no longer have the comfortable vocabulary of evangelicalism to fall back on any more. It doesn't feel organic to me any more. What does feel organic is just loving people enough to let them talk, asking the questions I am led to ask, and passing along lessons learned through hard experience. More than anything, most people just want to know that they can share what needs to be shared without fear of judgement. In short, they want to know, "If I screwed up, do you still love me?" Having learned experientially that this is how God loves me (and has always loved me though I didn't realize it), it's much easier to say, "Yes, I do" and mean it. Unconditional love works miracles of healing, so I've found.

God knows our flesh and remembers that we are dust. We would do well to remember that of each other. Blessed are the merciful for they shall receive mercy.

Commodores - Sail On

2010-08-24T21:46:00.000-07:00

Marc, this one is for you. Please just go away....

2010-06-15T18:52:00.000-07:00

Just When You Think You've Made Progress...

I've had to have far too much contact with my ex-husband lately. We just did an exchange of our respective tax notices today. He's also been around regularly to pick up children for their soccer practices and games. I don't exchange any words beyond what is absolutely as I have nothing to say to this man, or else far too much. Sometimes the rage just bubbles up inside me. Rage over what should have been, over what was lost, over his constant unwanted intrusions into my life.

I recently donated a kidney to a much loved friend who has done much good to and for me. That sparked a discussion in the car today on the drive to school. One of my sons said something to the effect that he would donate a kidney to either me or his father if we needed one. I remember looking at my son like he had two heads. Why in the world would he donate a kidney to THAT MAN? But then this is his father he is talking about. It amazes me how strong the bond between parent and child can be. It amazes me that someone could feel that level of care for someone that I feel nothing for beyond the rage.

For a time I had reached that happy place of indifference to what my ex-husband was thinking, saying, or doing. As long as he stays out of my way, I'm good. But then if I find him intruding on my life more than I like, all the old rage rises up. I guess I'm not done healing.

2010-06-14T14:14:00.000-07:00

I'm Back

After a hiatus in which fear of man ruled my life and where I was afraid to speak my mind because of what others would say or think, I'm back.

For a while it was too hard and there were too many things going on in my life to enable me to do much by way of writing. But the writing bug is biting again and so here I am.

I did attempt an anonymous blog after I closed this one off to the public. It is no longer anonymous and you can read the posts by going here.

2008-04-07T16:12:00.000-07:00

Where the Line of Antithesis Lies

Sometimes in our desire to pursue and maintain truth, we draw the line of antithesis between ourselves and other Christians, forgetting that the real line lies between us and the world. Here is a small snippet of something that Douglas Wilson wrote recently on his blog, "Blog and Mablog."

When we gather to worship the Lord, when the call to worship is uttered, the Holy Spirit gathers us up, and ushers us all into the heavenly places where we then worship God in the name of Jesus in the power of the Holy Spirit. We have not come to a mountain that can be touched, but rather to the heavenly mountain of Zion, the New Jerusalem. We have assembled with all the holy angels and the spirits of just men made perfect. Moreover, we are doing this with all the saints all over the earth, time zone after time zone, in successive waves. From the rising of the sun to the going down of the same, the name of the Lord shall be praised.

There are two thoughts in this that should comfort us. The first is that, because of the righteousness of Jesus Christ, in whom we all make our approach to God, we all do so as members of the one, holy, catholic and apostolic church. Before the throne of God, where all of us assemble every Lord's Day, there are no denominations -- just a multitude that no man can number. There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism. We are to grow up into one unified perfect man in history precisely because this is already given to us in the heavenly realms. [Emphasis added]

The second encouragement is this. As we worship God in the heavenly realms, we are rising above the culture wars. This is not because those conflicts are now irrelevant, but rather this is our only successful way of fighting them. In our worship, we pray this: Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. We are engaged this morning in glorifying the name of Jesus Christ in heaven. As a result, we may then ask by faith for God to do the same on earth. As the name of Christ is glorified on earth, as it is in heaven, the kingdom is coming, the will of God is being done. It is the will of God to exalt the name of Jesus Christ.

As the name of Christ is exalted by God this way, the secularists who do not wish to honor the name of Christ discover they have no countermeasures for this. There have nothing available to them that can stop this. Be encouraged, and worship the Lord this morning.

2008-04-05T09:34:00.000-07:00

Depression, Guilt and Miscellaneous other Things...

One of the things that you should never do if you at all think you are depressed is to take the MMPI -- one of a form of psychometric testing. The test will confirm the depression, but the other stuff they tell you in it could very well push you over the edge. When I did one recently no one told me that the test results would come back in a totally negative light. Now I am not one who believes herself perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but to read this sort of negative report without anything to balance it off on the other side was almost enough to have me considering whether all my friends and family were completely and utterly blind not to mention a little crazy themselves if they could love such a miserable specimen of humanity as myself.

Depression sucks big time. You look perfectly healthy, can function to a certain extent, but inside your head you are sick. Your serotonin levels are down and out, your feel good neurotransmitters have gone south, and holding a positive thought can be difficult. And then there is the embarassment of it all when people casually ask you "How are you?" and you burst into tears to their and your horror. You sit in your house and there are whole sections of your home that you are afraid to go into. You see that things need doing, but somehow, mustering the energy to do them seems to be beyond you.

I never imagined that I would be doing this but I am trying the "better living through chemistry" approach. I am doing a few supplements in addition, but the motivation to eat properly, take my supplements, exercise, do stress-relieving sorts of activities, etc., is HARD to find. Somehow I have to try and do this, earn a living for the kids and myself, and make a whole bunch of decisions and judgements at a time when I feel the least capable of doing any of it. I totally get why some people become workaholics. When I am cleaning a house or doing a kinesionics session on someone, I have brief times of being in control of something and being competent at it. The temptation is to do more of what gives you that feeling.

Even though it feels like my world has become unglued, the alternative, ie., returning to Marc and that marriage, are out of the question. As bad as things are now, I will NEVER go back and endure that again. I have a small measure of self respect now, and I enjoy the freedom of being an adult and free from the particular stresses that living with him imposed. I have no guilt whatsoever about ending this marriage aside from the disruption it is causing in the life of my kids. I wish I could spare them all this turmoil and uncertainty, but not at the cost of returning to marital tyranny. I'm only just beginning to grasp the fact that not only do my kids deserve better, but so do I.

On the topic of guilt, I received what follows in an email the other day. One of the things that I am attempting to grasp on the subjective level is the whole idea of grace. Grace truly is a scandal in its unfairness. We all desire and need it, yet it is so counter-intuitive in many ways. Works righteousness comes so easily to us. We want to be found worthy through our own efforts. The following story is an illustration of how it really works.

The Devil and the Duck

There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He practiced in the woods; but he could never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck. Just out of impulse, he let the slingsho t fly, hit the duck square in the head and killed it. He was shocked and grieved!

In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile; only to see his sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.

After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes" But Sally said, "Grandma , Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen." Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes.

Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fish ing and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper." Sally just smiled and said, "Well that's all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help" She whispered again, "Remember the duck?" So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help

After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's; he finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck.

Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said, "Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you."

Thought for the day and every day thereafter?

Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done... and the devil keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.)...whatever it is ...You need to know that God was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing. He has seen your whole life. He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven.

He's just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of you. The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness; He not only forgives you, but He forgets. It is by God's grace and mercy that we are saved

Go ahead and make the difference in someone's life today. Share this with a friend and always remember: God is at the window!

Stand - Rascal Flatts

2008-03-02T15:15:00.001-08:00

This could well be my theme song...

"Stand"

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

[Chorus:]
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand

Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

[Repeat Chorus]

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
Oh

[Repeat Chorus]

2008-01-15T17:45:00.001-08:00

Happy Birthday to Me--

So it's been 47 years, 12 children and 3 and a half grandchildren later. Think it shows???

2007-12-25T21:20:00.000-08:00

One of the Best Christmas Presents ever...

...is one I won't be able to see until next August. Yep, I'm going to be a grandmother again! Yeah me! Yeah, Ben and Tonya!

The best part of being a grandmother is that you get all the pleasure of the baby and none of the work.

I'm going to post some adorable pictures of my youngest granddaughter soon. And if you are lucky, I'll post some pictures of me in the next month or so. My daughter, Trista, has become quite the photographer and I am having her do a photoshoot of me for my birthday.

2007-12-25T13:00:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas

I didn't think I would ever hear myself saying those words ever again, nor writing them either. Some would claim this as evidence of how far I have fallen from the "attainments" but I choose to see it more as a form of liberation from yet more rules that I was living under.

The assumption in the circles I once inhabited was that if you said the words, "Merry Christmas" that you were giving assent to the Roman Catholic church and all its doctrines, as well as corrupting the worship of God. However, now that I have had some time to sit down and think about it all away from the noise one of the things I have noticed is that no Christian I know of actually claims to worship God through the use of gifts, trees, tinsel, jolly elves, candles and all the other typical accoutrements of the season. In fact, most of the Christians I know do focus on the birth of Christ as the beginning of the work that Christ came to accomplish. These other things are rituals that may or may not be used to remind one of Christ, or else something good merely to be enjoyed for the pleasure they give, like the beautiful display of lights that some people indulge in.

Last night I went to the candlelight service at the Baptist church I now attend. What we had there was a focus on Scripture. I have to tell you that I can't ever think of the story of Christ's birth without being gripped at the heart level by what it all entailed. It is such a profound story how all the hopes and desires that Israel had been promised were finally seeing fulfillment in the tiny Lamb of God, born in Bethlehem, the city of David where the sacrificial lambs for the Temple in Jerusalem, five miles distant, were raised.

So many things come together in this story for me. The birth of Christ is a story of redemption in itself. One year I made a point of looking up all the people listed in the geneology found in Matthew. You have people who committed incest, a prostitute, a murderer and adulterer, idolaters, and other notable sinners. Yet all these sins were redeemed in the One who came from that lineage.

Then I am struck by how disruptive letting the Holiest of Holies into your life can be. Mary was without fault in the conception of the Holy One of Israel, yet she bore the infamy of being an unwed mother for years afterwards as her Son was taunted by Pharisees who knew that Abraham was their father, but who is YOURS? All His life, He did unexpected, "outside the box" things that upset and offended the conventions of the society He was born into, yet there were infallibly the right thing to do. Let this remind me that I will sometimes do unconventional things that will upset people yet still be right in God's eyes. To my own Master I stand or fall.

May this season be one where the Holy Spirit speaks to you anew of the redemption, hope, and joy to be found in Christ.

2007-12-25T12:57:00.000-08:00

This one is for Chrysalis,

Chrysalis, you have always intrigued me. Please email me privately because I wouldn't mind corresponding with you in a less public setting. knoxknoxwhosthere@yahoo.com

2007-11-28T19:40:00.000-08:00

Everyone at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with teh feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them, and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake someone else up so that they can feel this way too.

Lemony Snicket Horseradish: Bittter Truths You Can't Avoid

And on a related thought -- When you think no one cares, try missing a payment.

2007-11-21T17:49:00.000-08:00

More Wisdom from Lemony Snicket

Recess is part of the school day designed to give children a break from the more unpleasant aspects of the educational system, but so many school yards are full of villainous students that recess can often turn out to be the most unpleasant part of the day.

2007-11-21T17:47:00.001-08:00

Labor Day is a holiday honoring those who work for a living. Laborious Day is a lesser known holiday honoring those who cannot stop talking about their work.

It is one of life's bitterest truths that bedtime so often arrives just when things are really getting interesting.

2007-11-21T17:41:00.000-08:00

Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course. Piracy, for example, is a tradition that has been carried on for hundreds of years, but that doesn't mean we should all attack ships and steal their gold.

Lemony Snickett ~ Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid

2007-11-18T16:27:00.000-08:00

Deciding whether or not to trust a person is like deciding whether or not to climb a tree, because you might get a wonderful view from the highest branch, or you might simply get covered in sap, and for this reason many people choose to spend their time alone and indoors, where it is harder to get a splinter.

Lemony Snickett -- Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid

Mad TV Bob Newhart Skit - Mo Collins - Stop it

2007-11-08T22:41:00.001-08:00

Good sound advice on how to deal with your problems and issues...

2007-11-07T07:31:00.000-08:00

A Bitter Truth

Perhaps if we saw what was ahead of us, and glimpsed the crimes, follies, and misfortunes that would befall us later on, we would all stay in our mother's wombs, and then there would be nobody in the world but a great number of very fat, very irritated women.

Lemony Snickett Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid.

Great Big Sea - Feel it Turn

2007-10-13T23:59:00.001-07:00

A poignant song

The Mom Song

2007-10-06T18:25:00.001-07:00

Thanks to Raging Calvinist for this.

When I Go Down

2007-10-06T18:16:00.001-07:00

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregaurd
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find the end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not that way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregaurd
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

Any control I thought I had just slipped through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet You love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do You make it light
As I exhale I hear Your voice
And I answer You, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's a fallen man's praise
Cause I love You
Oh God, I love You

And life is now worth living
If only because of You
And when they say that I am dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to You
I won't look very far
Cause You'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again

2007-10-06T17:42:00.000-07:00

Church Sign Smack Down

Click on the link above for something pretty funny.

2007-10-03T17:43:00.000-07:00

"Every faculty you have, your power of thinking or of moving your limbs from moment to moment, is given to you by God. If you devoted every moment of your whole life exclusively to his service you could not give Him anything that was not in a sense His own already. So that when we talk of a man doing anything for God or giving anything to God, I will tell you what it is really like. It is like a small child going to his father and saying, 'Daddy, give me sixpence to buy you a birthday present.' Of course, the father does, and he is pleased with the child's present. It is all very nice and proper, but only an idiot would think that the father is sixpence to the good on the transaction. When a man has made these two discoveries, God can really get to work. It is after this that real life begins. The man is awake now..."

C.S. Lewis

2007-09-21T18:21:00.000-07:00

Sorry this is so small. This is my youngest grandchild, Elora Ann and myself.

Sixpence None The Richer - Breathe Your Name (Video)

2007-09-20T20:16:00.001-07:00

One of my newest favorite bands...

Sixpence None the Richer

2007-09-20T20:11:00.001-07:00

sixpence none the richer. Don't dream it's over

2007-09-20T19:51:00.001-07:00

2007-09-05T06:51:00.000-07:00

Summertime Friends...

2007-09-03T17:43:00.000-07:00

My Grand-daughters (so far) Top -- Keiannah who is now 6, and beneath, Elora Ann, who is now eight months.

2007-09-03T17:33:00.000-07:00

More Family Photos -- Top photo is the entire gang, including old ugly (and I don't mean me!). Next photo is of my grand-daughter Keiannah, and my grandson, Rogan. Next is a shot of my eldest, Trish, with her husband Codey, and daugher Elora whom we adora. Beneath is my eldest son, Nathanael, and his girl, Trinity. Another wedding of one of my offspring could be in the near future. Lastly, the day of Ben's wedding there was a train wreck. I think this is sort of a cool shot of the happy couple with the burning train engines in the background.

2007-09-03T17:25:00.000-07:00

This is my son Ben and his new bride, Tonya. Aren't they a nice looking couple?

[.x.] good charlotte, emotionless [.x.]

2007-09-01T20:36:00.001-07:00

This song is for the X.

2007-08-08T12:06:00.001-07:00

Super Progress...

When I consider that I used to wear a size 20 and am now needing to buy size 10 in a lot of clothing, I think I have made super progress. Some day I'll post a before and after picture once I reach my goal weight and have firmed up a few remaining spots. In the meantime, I sure like having the problem of having to find a way to replace my over-sized wardrobe...

2007-08-05T14:20:00.000-07:00

Am I A Feminist?

It appears that some confusion exists in the minds of some of my readers about where I am now compared to where I used to be philosophically. Recently someone asked if I was now a feminist who now hates marriage and children based on some of the things that have appeared on my blog in the last few months. I guess it depends on what you mean by feminism. If you are thinking the Betty Freidan style of feminism, the answer is no. If you mean the sort of liberal feministic egalitarianism that allows for women pastors/elders, etc., in the Church, the answer is no. If you mean the baby-hating, zero population growth, pro-abortion feminist, the answer is still no.

I'm anti-tyranny.

I'll try to explain. Remember the story of the Pharisees going after the disciples for rubbing grain through their hands on the Sabbath? Remember Jesus' response to them? He reminded them of the story of David and the shewbread and then stated that God desires mercy, and not sacrifice.

In certain circles people can get their heads all twisted up with propositions and principles and then start sacrificing people on the altar of those principles, forgetting mercy in the process. Case in point: being against child spacing or limiting a family's size and then requiring homeschooling of all the children even in situations where you know that the mother in the home is stretched to the limit and not receiving much, if any, help from her spouse, and then condemning her in the process for not living up to the ideal. This is a situation similar to that where Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for tying burdens on people's backs and then not lifting a finger to help them.

Love of propositions as opposed to love of God and people can have a very dehumanizing effect on the human soul. It will make you unyielding and unmerciful and all with the highest motivation.

I'm dealing with the fall out of a broken marriage and seven minor children that need to be looked after. I am having to work after 26 years as a full time housewife with all the qualifications for working in a donut shop, and the adjustment for everyone is huge. I am not only going to have to continue to provide for minor children into my 60's, I also have to plan for my own financial future. I could be a lot more specific about what is happening in my life, but one thing I have learned is that anything that I say can and will be used against me. One person in particular, who reads this blog, does not do so with my best interests at heart.

Am I against marriage? Not at all. The World's Shortest Fairytale tickled my funnybone, especially the part about not being farted on. There are worse things in this world than being single. If the chance to marry a Christian man who is kind, loving, and a partner comes along, not a "patriarch" who wants the prestige and honor of the position, but doesn't want to do the work, then I'm willing to consider it. I'm not having more children. At the age of 46 and after 12 children and 20 pregnancies, I think I have done my part in populating the world. I'm still doing babies and toddlers at the same time I am a grandmother and now have to work full time at something. Can you blame me for not wanting to add to what I am already carrying? Any man who wants me, had better want and accept me for who I am, and not for my ability to procreate. This doesn't make me anti child. It just means that I am finally giving myself a break from the unrealistic ideals I used to carry.

My own circumstances have forced me to look past principles into what happens to people when they are applied in a wooden and narrow way. It has forced me to look at others with more mercy and less of a desire to sacrifice them on the altar of my absolutes. The Bible was written, not just for people who do it all right and have the picture perfect marriage and a large brood of godly, obedient children. It was also written for the rest of us who don't match the picture on the cover of The Teaching Home magazine.

2007-07-29T22:28:00.000-07:00

World's Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
The girl said "No."

And so the girl lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank margaritas with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed slender, had a closet full of shoes, clothes and handbags, and was never farted on.

The End

2007-06-29T23:31:00.001-07:00

Things I See Out My Window

So I am sitting in my office on the phone, looking out my window. I see a graceful white-tailed deer eating grass on my front lawn. All of a sudden the deer lifts its head in alarm and then bounds off into the woods -- pursued by a baby clad only in a diaper. James strikes again.

On fiire - Switchfoot

2007-06-26T08:29:00.001-07:00

For those tempted to cynicism because of experience with Christianity... This is where reality is found.

Switchfoot - This is your life

2007-06-26T08:26:00.001-07:00

This is your life. Are you who you want to be?

Jars Of Clay - I Need You (Live)

2007-06-25T23:20:00.001-07:00

The words say it all...

2007-06-25T22:08:00.000-07:00

A New Way to Post Lyrics

You just gotta love YouTube. Now I can not only post lyrics, I can also post the actual music video which makes the lyrics just that much more meaningful....

Relient K-Be My Escape

2007-06-25T22:07:00.001-07:00

OFFICIAL - PAUL MCCARTNEY- DANCE TONIGHT

2007-06-25T21:46:00.001-07:00

I think this is one of the most engaging pieces of music I've heard lately.

2007-06-11T16:16:00.000-07:00

When I Go Down

Sung by Reliant K

I'll tell you flat out
it hurts so much to think of this
so from my thoughts I will exclude
the very thing that
I hate more than everything is
the way I'm powerless
to dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
so many things that could've been much more
and I just pray
my problems go
away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works

when I go down
I go down hard
and I take everything I've learned
and teach myself some disregard
when I go down
it hurts to hit the bottom
and of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can clear myself
of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
into a place where peace can search me out and find
that I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
the hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away so many things
that could have been much more
I've thrown away the secret
to find an end to this
and I just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
and I take everything I've learned
and teach myself some disregard
When I go down
it hurts to hit the bottom
and of the things that got me there
I think if only I had fought them.

Any control I thought I had
just slips right through my hands
while my ever-present conscience
shakes its head and reprimands me
reprimands me then and
there I confess I'll blame all this
on my selfishness
yet you love me and that consumes me
and I'll stand up again and do so willingly

You give me hope,
and hope it gives me life
you touch my heavy heart,
and when you do you make it light
as I exhale I hear your voice
and I answer you,
though I hardly make a noise
and from my lips
the words I choose to say
seem pathetic,
but it's a fallen man's praise
because I love you
oh God, I love you

and life is now worth living
if only because of you
and when they say I'm dead and gone
it won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I life my eyes to you
I won't look very far
cause you'll be there
with open arms
to lift me up again
to lift me up again

2007-06-11T15:58:00.000-07:00

Two Best Friends, Reprise

2007-06-05T11:55:00.000-07:00

"On Fire"

Song and lyrics by Daniel Victor and Jonathan Foreman of Switchfoot

They tell you where you need to go

They tell you when you'll need to leave

They tell you what you need to know

They tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you knowsT

here's more than what you've heard

There's so much more than empty conversations

Filled with empty words

And you're on fire

When He's near you

You're on fire

When He speaks

You're on fire

Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around

Give me one more chance to see

Give me everything You are

Give me one more chance to be... (near You)

Cause everything inside me looks like

Everything I hate

You are the hope I have for change

You are the only chance

I'll take

When I'm on fire

When You're near me

I'm on fire

When You speak

And I'm on fire

Burning at these mysteries

These mysteries...

I'm standing on the edge of me [x3]

I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.

And i've been standing on the edge of me

Standing on the edge

And I'm on fire

When You're near me

I'm on fireWhen You speak(Yea)

I'm on fire

Burning at these mysteries... these mysteries... these mysteries

Ah you're the mystery

You're the mystery

2007-06-05T09:53:00.001-07:00

Telling the Truth

There is much in relation to all the RPNA church crud that I have been holding back on my blog for a variety of reasons. One of the reasons was because there was one particular person who influenced me and who has a disdain for people who bare their hearts for the general public. For a number of years I felt like I had to keep this person pleased and happy with me in order to have their approval and good opinion and to keep them off my back. Well, that is yet another chain that has fallen from me in recent months.

Another reason was because I know that those still in the RPNA (General Meeting that Never Meets) make those of us who are disaffected brethren the topic of conversation after their society meetings. I have heard that some of them give one another "high fives" for not belonging to The Effort, which was an informal meeting of those of us who had questions about the way we were being governed, and that not belonging to The Effort or having those same questions has now become yet another unwritten term of communion for those who are still "in" or who want to be "in".

You can call it pride if you like, but I just didn't want to add fuel to the fires of "I told you so" that I know is circulating in that sphere. The prediction was made by one of the elders wives that those who were "excommunicated" by that phoney church court would end up all over the map in terms of what they were doing. IOW, none of us would hold to the "faithful" positions that the RPNA (GM) had taught us. Well thank God, many of us are being freed from all that mess, is all I can say. It may look like being all over the map to outsiders, but what I am seeing is that some of us are finding our way back to God and that the Lord is using a variety of methods to accomplish this.

So why have I decided to open up and share what I really think and feel? Well, I know that I am risking more of the same stupidity from the phony law advocate that I experienced recently. I am also making myself more of a target for those after society meeting conclaves and telephone conversations where the faithful gather around the elders and they all "tsk, tsk" together over the latest evidence of depravity and unfaithfulness on the part of the disaffected. However, I am not writing for that audience. Instead, I want to share what I am thinking/feeling because I know that I am not the only one who thinks/feels this way. One of the worst things that can happen in this sort of situation is to feel isolated and alone in what you are experiencing. By sharing my own angst, concerns, questions, and even triumphs, maybe someone out there will be encouraged to think that perhaps they aren't crazy or even "Thank God someone understands!"

I don't know if any of you are familiar with the concept of stages of grieving that have been identified by Elizabeth Kubler Ross, but don't be surprised if you find yourself experiencing this. I know that I have. In the past few months I have found myself swinging through most of the stages at one point or another. But as one friend told me, you can be completely self conscious about which stage you are in, but it doesn't do a thing to help you get through it any quicker or easier. Well yeah. The only thing I can recommend is that you just ride the waves knowing that at some point they will stop heaving and tossing you about.

Why grief? Many of us invested a lot of time and energy in this enterprise. There is the loss of years that went into this and the result is what? Being given over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh and classed with scandalous persons who make sin a way of life. This has the same feeling that you get when you find out that someone has slandered you and accused you of some serious sin. You feel guilty and slimed by it, even though it isn't true.

Then there is the grief over lost or divided relationships. In the RPNA they say they don't practice shunning, but what do you call it when one of the elders has nothing to do with members of his own family who don't agree with him on every jot and tittle of his own profession of faith? Now if you happen to be a child of this elder and you see what happens to other family members who don't toe the line, how much room does that leave you for being honest about what you really think or feel? And if you think that this sort of thing keeps them in line -- well guess again. Do we really want outward conformity at the expense of honesty and the means of getting to the heart of matters? Some people are experiencing divisions in their own families with husbands, and children being pitted against wives and mothers. If you don't think that this causes grief, guess again.

The elders' record for restoration of the lost is dismal. Just recently the elders sent out a rebuttal to The Effort's paper and they also wrote up a document on steps to repentance in order to effect reconciliation with the disaffected. But guess what? I don't know a single person who was excommunicated who received this document. I only found out about it when one of the insiders, who was subsequently excommunicated himself, sent it around. So who was the intended audience, I have to ask? Talk, and apparently writing, is cheap. These so called undershepherds take the example of the Great Shepherd, who left the 99 to seek the lost one and turn it on their heads. They strike the flock and scatter it instead of gathering it back in. Not that I want to be gathered back to this particular fold, mind you. But still, you get the point, right?

So the upshot of all this is to say that even though you and I might be happy and relieved to be out from under all the restrictions, guilt, and control we experienced there, you might also still be grieving. It may be a happy and advantageous release, but it is still like experiencing a death and grief is just a part of all that.

2007-05-26T19:26:00.000-07:00

Where I Am At

I don't read a lot of fiction because I find most of it substandard. But I make an exception for Frank Perretti. Below is the autobiographical introduction to his novel, The Visitation. Aside from the obvious fact that I have never been in a charismatic church and have never aspired to full time ministry, he says what I have been feeling/thinking lately.

"I never thought I'd get sick of being a Christian. I was practically born a Christian, raised in a Christian home, nurtured in church and Sunday School. If there was anything going on at church -- special meetings, singspirations, Bible studies, vacation Bible School-- I was there. I read my Bible every day, prayed regularly, witnessed to others whenever I could, and knew all the hymns by heart. I was a youth pastor, an associate pastor, a teacher, a preacher, a public speaker. I was on the right road, had plenty of approval, and no plans to change course.

But no one to ld me I was still growing up and that the time would come when all the familiar trappings of the Christianity that I grew up with would no longer be comfortable. Like a child growing out of his clothes, I was having trouble getting things to fit -- except for one T-shirt that said, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.

No, I wasn't backsliding. Satan wasn't tempting me. I wasn't even disillusioned -- well, not with God. Call it growing pains. I was beginning to feel the difference between religion and relationship. The more I longed to know God, the more fed up I got with all the Christian "stuff". Where was God really? Would I really find Him in all the religious trappings, my particular Christian culture that told me by word and example what a Christian ought to look like, act like, believe, and do? For most of my life I'd wrapped that world around me like a security blanket; I felt safe, like a child at home with loving parents.

But kids like us grow up and need our own relationship with God, forged in the heart through time and experience, not draped around us by the church we attend. We need to know God for ourselves, not secondhand.

Coming to that realization, that point of growth, can be a lonely time. You just feel so tired of everything: No, I didn't have my "quiet time" this morning, so arrest me. If I have to sing that chorus one more time I'll scream. Maybe I'll stay home from church this time just for some peace and quiet.

And you don't buy everything so readily. Maybe that was a prophecy to you, but to me it was bad acting. How do I know that God really said that to Pastor? I didn't hear anything. Are we really going to vanish in the twinkling of an eye?

And everyone has a cure for what ails you: You need to read your Bible and pray more. You need to come back to the Lord. These are the lies of the Enemy; speak in tongues and they'll go away.

Well, don't worry. I made it through. Jesus walked with me through every moment, and I could see Him so much more clearly on the other side. I have a wonderful church family, I like singing the choruses, and I still read my Bible and pray every day. But things look different now. My faith is my own, I like where the Lord has brought me, and I won't be going back."

I won't be going back.

2007-05-26T19:05:00.000-07:00

Beware

I have a reasonable certainty of knowing who the unChristian, sheep-baiting, "hit and run" cowardly retard is who sent me the letter below signed "Law Advocate." He has the unfortunate habit of writing parables. This man is a law unto himself and considers himself above the law and the rest of the sheep apparently. And so do his elders because I have yet to see them rein him in. For all I know, they applaud his savaging of the sheep. If he is smart, he will back off from this particular ewe because I am NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THIS SORT OF BALONEY. Any more of this, and I'll be consulting a real lawyer about harassment. And I am NOT kidding.

2007-05-15T14:00:00.000-07:00

Well Gee, To Whom or to Which Organization Could This be Referring To?

I got the following in my inbox recently. I so like things like this. It brings back all the good times and memories of a certain organization I was in, and certain people I was associated with. Ah yes, the good old days. I feel so warm and fuzzy when I think of them. If this is coming from where I think it is coming from, it is further evidence that certain parties have not only taken leave of their teeny tiny minds, but also that they still delight in anonymous "hit and run" tactics, as well as persecution of the defectors from their little flock of "faithful" followers. How Christian of them. How faithful.

If anyone else out there (and you know who you are) has received something similar, I would appreciate it if you would contact me privately.

Please note the highlighted areas of the following:

May 14th, 2007
To Whom it may concern:

You have been identified as a person or organization that may be of interest in regards to the following matter under investigation. It has been brought to our attention by several private and aggrieved parties that the content of an Internet publication(s) that you either control, influence, or create or provide content for, allegedly contains that which is defamatory of specific persons and organizations expressly being named therein. You may have created or posted defamatory information, or facilitated its publication. These allegations pertain to the express use of names within this publication(s), and assert that the defamation is either of a direct nature (being derogatory predications or false information that is directly stated about such express names), or of an indirect nature (express names being implicated within a derogatory context), or by otherwise facilitating any such defamatory activity or content (allowing links to defamatory pages, failure to enforce conditions of use by moderators or owners, etc.).

The allegation further points out that the express and universally public employment of these express names on the Internet publication(s) in question is not occurring by the explicit consent of those being so named and allegedly defamed. Nor, the allegation also notes, are these names being used therein with any kind of implicit consent having otherwise been granted to you by the named persons, such as by way of any common and express membership with the named in any voluntary organization or special Internet group (wherein such names are used).

Furthermore, it is alleged that you may have also publicly disclosed that which was relatively private information belonging to an organization and those of its membership, without having either any right or permission to publicly publish such information beyond such boundaries; and, that you likely have done so with malice in order to defame or derogate. It is alleged, thereby, that you may have violated the rights not only of this organization as an organization, but also the privacy rights belonging to all of the persons named (or otherwise listed) in such publications as may have now been, by your unilateral and presumptive action(s), made universally public on the Internet.

Lastly, if such allegations are substantiated in a court of law, it appears that you may likely be found to have also violated the explicit terms of service (TOS) stipulated by your Internet service provider (or host, etc.), which terms you previously had contracted and covenanted to abide by. If this is the case, any secondary liability you may have to them arising from any legal action taken by others, is unknown.Request is hereby made that you immediately suspend and survey your Internet publication(s) and/or posts in order to arrest any ongoing defamation by forthwith removing any such defamatory content as you may be held directly or indirectly responsible for (including legacy threads and posts); and, in the future (when sites/pages are re-activated or posting is resumed), that you desist from engaging in any activity as is defamatory or in a violation of rights. There are not only moral implications to defamation, but there are also civil and legal consequences for defamation.

You do not have legal impunity or liberty to do ills that are unlawful, whether in Cyberspace or otherwise.The specific names and specific content that you are hereby being requested to remove or amend will not be provided to you for your direction in this matter: The moral and legal burden is upon you to publish only that which you know to be, in legal fact, not defamatory; and to publish only those names and that content for which you have either legal right or permission to so publicly make known.If any such defamatory content (or links to such) be allowed to persist on your Internet publication(s) or posts, or if you continue to create and/or publish other defamatory content, it should not be unexpected that full financial reparations for the same shall be sought for any and all direct or consequential losses to the earnings, reputations, or estates of those alleging defamation of their persons and names. This includes financial reparations for any and all hindrances or obstructions to their present or potential capital, employments, organizations, or business interests, and for all legal fees and costs in prosecuting a case relative to such damages, and for any and all possible punitive damages that might be recoverable by any and all legal theories that may be lawfully allowed in such a case.

It appears from the content of the Internet publication(s) in question, that you may likely make some claim to religion. It would seem to be good for you and for all concerned if you simply practice the ethical behavior and morals of the religion that you apparently claim that you have. It would seem that discussion of such religious topics might be engaged rationally in an honorable way, without defamation or without Internet publication of relatively private information without permission. If you are held legally liable in civil court, in accord with just laws, for doing otherwise, have no illusions as to that you are being persecuted for religion when you have rather, by lawless behavior, abandoned its very principles in these very things.

A simple and reasonable request is being made of you per the above, and only on behalf of private persons. No further notifications or requests will follow this first and final request that is here made to you. Your activity (or inactivity) on the Internet publication(s) in question will be monitored in accord with this request, and copied as requisite. The next contact you will receive, if any, will be by service of papers upon you, likely either at your residence or workplace, or wherever else the server might find convenient at that time. This will occur only if it is deemed necessary according to the results gathered by the aforesaid monitoring.This is not a threat, nor to be construed as a threat, but it is simply cautionary information that you are now being given the opportunity to consider and wisely use ahead of time. It is not the purpose of this cautionary information to judge any case, or to set forth the proofs to such an end. This shall be done, as necessary, in civil court. Please use common sense, basic civility, and good judgment by simply complying with this simple request as is now being gratuitously made available to you in advance.Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Law Advocate

Oh boy, am I ever going to have fun with this!

2007-04-21T20:23:00.000-07:00

A Sane View of Things....

From Credenda Agenda

Volume 18, Issue 4: Husbandry

Birth Control

Douglas Wilson

When a man and a woman come together in marriage sexually, much more should be involved than simply the procreation of children. At the same time, because our culture wants to make sexual activity almost purely recreational, Christians need to make sure we don't lose either part of the picture. The central biological purpose of sexual relations is the procreation of children, and we have to list this under the heading of "stubborn facts."

Of course, there are additional design purposes involved as well. In this way, it is comparable to food—the biological purpose of food is to nourish and strengthen the body. But God could have made food that was every bit as nutritious as food actually is, and have done so without the almost infinite range of tastes. What is the biological purpose of the taste of oranges, or watermelon, or beef gravy?

So, without losing our balance, what can we say about birth control? If the analogy above holds straight across, then is not the widespread use of contraceptives comparable to inventing and consuming calorie-free food? No, not quite. One place where the analogy breaks down is that food is necessary for individual survival. Were we to invent food that was absolutely nourishment-free, the end result would be that the eaters of it would starve to death. Fruitful sex is necessary to the survival of the human race, but it is not necessary to the survival of the individual. It is not necessary to the physical survival of a childless couple. The point of the illustration is to show how kind and liberal God is with His blessings. He layers them, stacking them on top of one another. When we discover that God has "this" purpose in something, it is wronging Him to simply assume that this is the end of the story.

Because Scripture says nothing about birth control in itself, we cannot conclude that it is a malum in se, an evil in itself. Doing so would take us well past what is written. Like everything else in this category, it would be sinful, or not, based on things like motive, context, method, and so on.

With regard to method, an obvious example would be the use of techniques that take the lives of unborn children. Abortion is considered by many to be a form of birth control, and so it is—a murderous form of birth control. In a similar way, bank robbery is "making a withdrawal from multiple accounts." But a guilty species does not become innocent by being a member of an innocent genus.

Motive and context would be defined by what Scripture says about faithful children generally. Everything else being equal, fruitfulness is a good thing. It is a blessing. So if a Christian couple have bought all the current propaganda, and they are diligently limiting themselves to 1.2 children, then they are allowing the current false assumptions of the world to dictate to them how the Bible is to be read. But if another couple know that children are a blessing, and they use birth control in order to "space" their seven children, I would be hard pressed to say that this was an example of some kind of compromise. A man can have a high view of apple trees and still not plant them a foot and a half apart in his orchard.

There is another consideration. The Bible teaches that it is not just a matter of having them. Bringing up a child involves a good twenty years or so. Having ten children means that you are dealing with a couple (overlapping) centuries of child-rearing. When this is done right, it is glorious. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. But when it is not done right, the results are correspondingly disastrous. Samuel would not have been more greatly blessed if he had had five sons taking bribes instead of two.

Looking around the secular world, there is plenty to react to. Looking around the conservative Christian world, there is plenty to react to. But we ought not to be reactionary. Children are a blessing, and if they are individually loved, nourished, read to, fed, and educated, they remain a blessing.

Scripture does not encourage us to think that wisdom and fecundity automatically go together. And at the same time, the Bible does not encourage us to seek out barrenness as though it were a blessing. It is not.

We are told that none of us should think of ourselves more highly than we ought to think (Rom. 12:3). Before you build the tower, you ought to do some contingency planning (Luke 14:28). Sit down and count the cost. What are your likely financial boundaries? What is your health like? How old will you be when the youngest graduates from high school? Will you short-change your oldest daughters in their education by pressing them into service taking care of their younger siblings? Given how hard you will have to work to feed them all, will you have any time and energy left over to love them? Remember that children don't just need quality time; they need quantity time. What will the tuition payments to the Christian school be when all of them are enrolled? Are you equipped to homeschool so many children at so many different levels, or will things quickly deteriorate as they are left to instruct themselves or each other?

This is susceptible to misunderstandings, I know. But having answered all the questions above (and others like them) as honestly as you can, knowing what you can do, I would encourage you to have all the children you can.

But that can is much more than biological.

2007-04-04T17:36:00.000-07:00

Repentance

"Repent is not a word we are terribly stoked about in our culture. It might be just one notch above STD or "You're fired"....

But what if Jesus said "repent" in a completely different way? For example, imagine that He is looking you in the eye right now and speaks the word.

"Repent," He says. He is smiling, confident.

"Repent."

His eys tell you that He knows you well. His tone of voice hints that one day you'll see that repenting was the best choice you ever made. His body language exudes so much positive energy that you get the sense that He mgith have come halfway around the world just to tell you the news -- "Repent."

If you head it like that , you would receive the word as a gift. It still might now sound like good news, but in the long run, you would find that it was.

To repent means to turn around, to stop what you're doing and do the opposite. To repent means to assume one thing was true, you now know it's wrong -- all wrong -- and you will now believe and act upon something totally different. Repent is a good strong word full of hope and new beginnings. In the context of Jesus' kingdom, repent is an invitation to another world, another life, a way of being that was supposed to be all along and can be now.

...Actually, we need to repent often. We need to repent, for example, of our convenient assumption that following Jesus and pursuing the American Dream are in complete harmony and will take us in pretty much the same direction. They won't. The reality of the kingdom is dangerous and beautiful and life altering.

We need to repent of smugly held beliefs, especially the "enlightened" ones that convince us we have no need to repent. We need to repent of our rightness, our arrogant belief that since we care about goodness -- that we, for example, see genocide as the evil it is -- then we'll see every evil for what it is, including the evil hiding in our own hearts.

Repentance means that we choose to agree only with God's perspective. That He alone is God and He alone can understand the blatant ways in which our own hearts deceive us. Evil that we will never notice exists in us and around us -- yet its' as obvious to God as genocide is to us.

To repent is to say to God: "I'm blind. I don't see, but I want to. Please show me Your heart in everything."

Excerpted from This Beautiful Mess by Rick McKinley

2007-04-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

Best DUI Ever!

2007-02-26T20:12:00.000-08:00

Why Some Women Become Feminists

Boy, is there ever a lot that I can relate to in this blogpost and some of Heart's comments further down the page.

Back in 1985 I read The Way Home by Mary Pride. Gary North has always reminded us that ideas have consequences. Sometimes you don't see the consequences, or logical fallout, of those ideas until years have passed and they have had time to come to fruition. Since I lived the lifestyle espoused in The Way Home, or attempted to, I have seen the results in my own life and in the lives of other women I know. A quiver full mentality combined with the belief that good Christians homeschool before all other options is a recipe for burning out women, particularly if the quiver becomes overly full. I know quite a few women who have fallen by the wayside in an attempt to be the homebirthing, home churching, gardening, home businesswomen, mothers of many married to men with a patriarchal bent. If the number of children is large enough, and if dad isn't helping out much, something will give -- the marriage, the health, the mental well being of the wife/mother or maybe all three can all be in jeopardy given enough time.

I've come to the opinion that partriarchalism is NOT Biblical. If you go back and read what Genesis 3:16 says, the desire of the woman for her husband's position and the fact that he will rule over her is a result of the Fall and part of the curse. Patriarchalism and power struggles are not what existed before the Fall. I like the way that Rushdoony portrayed the relationship that existed between Adam and Eve in their pre-Fall state of innocency: they were co-regents over creation. Sanctification is supposed to lead us back to that state, not away from it.

2007-02-25T16:31:00.000-08:00

Today's Words of Wisdom

"It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that's how freedom grows. For everything we know about God's Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That's an act of true freedom. If you bite and ravage each other, watch out—in no time at all you will be annihilating each other, and where will your precious freedom be then?

My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day. Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence?

It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.

This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.

But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. "

taken from The Message paraphrase of Galatians 5:13-23

2007-02-21T19:34:00.000-08:00

Only For the Weak

sung by Avalon

Some say it's rules and regulations
And trying to always be right
No room for mistakes in the choices we make
For only the strong survive
But it's not about perfect performance
Or resolution of will
It's all about surrender
Giving up
Being still

Chorus: It's only for the weak
For the faint of heart
Those driven to their knees
Those who live with scars
There's power from beyond
We're certain where it's from
And that's our source of strength
Before we follow Christ
We need to be advised
It's only for the weak

He welcomes the worn and weary
All who are wounded by sin
And just as we are, we can fall in His arms
Rest and find shelter in Him
Seems like each day is a battle
With burdens and struggles to face
Only in our losing
Do we really see how much we've gained

Chorus: It's only for the weak
For the faint of heart
Those driven to their knees
Those who live with scars
There's power from beyond
We're certain where it's from
And that's our source of strength
Before we follow Christ
We need to be advised
It's only for the weak

The Father always starts
With a willing heart
Open to how
He moves
As His Spirit is poured
He will do so much more
Than we dreamed He could do

Chorus: It's only for the weak
For the faint of heart
Those driven to their knees
Those who live with scars
There's power from beyond
We're certain where it's from
And that's our source of strength
Before we follow Christ
We need to be advised
It's only for the weak

2007-02-21T16:42:00.000-08:00

SERVING NOTICE

To all current and past members of the RPNA (GM) or (whatever you want to call it )-- I DO NOT want to have emails, phone calls, or contact concerning anything to do with the RPNA, your/their take on covenanter doctrines, more condemnation, more scolding, rebukes, recriminations, complaints, or being told that I and my children are given over to Satan and that we are all on our way to hell, and that I am an unfaithful wife, mother, Christian, human being. I have news for you --- we are all unfaithful. Salvation is based on grace alone by faith alone in Christ alone, not on your or my purported faithfulness, knowledge, doctrinal purity, church affiliation, method of baptism, etc., etc.,

There is nothing worse than Calvinists who don't get grace.

2007-02-20T21:42:00.000-08:00

How to Sort

I may have mentioned recently that my friend Grant once told me that the trials and tribulations of life make a great filter for sorting out who your friends really are. You see me pictured here with one of my staunchest and dearest allies and my best friend who has survived the latest round of sorting. Willena has been keeping me company for over a month now and she plans to remain with me for at least another week or so. I owe her and her family a huge debt for allowing her to stay with me all this time. She has been a quiet and comfortable presence who has quite stolen my son James' heart with her winning ways. She is always good for a hug every night before bed, and often when I am feeling down for no particular reason. I also have hardly had to wash a single dish while she has been here. I think I am getting spoiled, and I don't know how I will be able to manage when she is gone. I think her family should be extra generous and let her live with me indefinitely. Okay???

2007-02-20T21:36:00.000-08:00

A Rare Sighting...

If you look carefully, you will see my new sparkly nose stud. I recently scared my parents by thanking them for the birthday money they had sent and declaring I was planning to get my navel pierced. hehehe...

2007-02-11T16:39:00.000-08:00

Quote of the Day

"T.S. Eliot once observed that humans cannot bear very much reality. This has been taken very much to heart by our mothers, but re-written somewhat to perpetuate a common message: Men need protection from the truth about themselves. Or more simply, men cannot bear reality.

...The hardest thing for a man to do is to cope with feelings -- his, yours, or anyone else's -- so heaven forbid that you might confront him with the news that he's hurt you. If he's been hurt, let him sulk, rage, drink, or pout. And if he abuses you, verbally or physically, "it's one of the sacrifices you have to make for having a man." Keep the family strong and the marriage whole, the message goes, and do what you can, sacrifice yourself, to ensure that he doesn't find out the truth. Suffocate him with kindness, spare him grief, and be sure he doesn't learn about himself, stop needing you -- and leave!

...It seems that protecting a man from himself, not "calling him on some of his problems," gives him what he wants: a sense that he's right, wise, emotionally stable, too involved in important matters like work to be bothered with incdental issues like relationships; and the exhilarating illusion that he's in control. Protecting a man from understanding who he is leads to disenchantment, insoluble dilemmas, and in the most extreme cases, the fracturing of a marriage. The worst thing that can be said about helping a man not to help himself is that the woman suffers. And nothing is more futile than spending a lifetime grieving over how "he won't change," and making excuses for him at the same time.

... Who asks that the message's dictum be carried out -- you, your husband, or both of you? Is the message stated or merely implied that you will be his emotional protector? What is the mechanism that moves you to protect a man, even though you claim it makes you unhappy to do so?

...Some of us admit to the truth though: we say we're protecting him, but we're really protecting ourselves. We can exercise a discernible amount of control over a man when we treat him as if he were a hopelessly frightened child. We get accustomed to his failing and cooperate in blunting his emotional growth and development.

What stops us? Frankly, many women... are hesitant to take the chance to help their husbands become full partners in marriage. Stopping a discussion that is crucial to married life because it might upset him, or pretending something doesn't exist to keep him at a distance from the facts, keeps a man in an emotionally childlike position forever. And should you believe that one wrong move would destroy the relationship -- that is, telling the truth or confronting him -- you're better off without it! Marriage should be a friendship. In a friendship there may be words exchanged that are hurtful, but that doesn't mean there is no love in the relationship. If you live in fear of not protecting your husband, you're only hurting yourself."

from Men are Just Desserts by Sonya Friedman

2007-01-24T20:58:00.000-08:00

2007-01-24T19:48:00.000-08:00

From Nobody to Somebody

(Excerpts from Men are Just Desserts: How Learning to Be a Woman With a Life of Your Own Can Enrich the Life You Share with a Man by Sonya Friedman)

Who are the women who think of themselves as nobodies? How does a nobody behave?

A nobody is unable or afraid to say anything positive about herself.... A somebody would say: I did it! I got my license!" "I'm a good cook!"

A nobody cannot list her strengths. A somebody would say: "There are four qualities I know to be true about myself. I'm a good listener and a great friend. I'm reliable and I don't give away secrets."

A nobody advertises to others that she's needy for approval and would be willing to do anything to maintain a relationship... A somebody is aware of the difference between doing a favor for someone she cares about and enslaving herself to another's directives and approval. A somebody doesn't apologize for others' intended slights or oversights and would say: "You forgot my birthday and I'm a little hurt by it."

A nobody believes that because she's a woman any and every man is superior to her. She subscribes to fixed rules about what the sexes are "supposed" to be and do. These very narrow boundaries keep her in a subordinate position... Living under her husband's thumb, she diminishes the contributions she makes to the household and feel guilty if she wants more from life... A somebody recognizes that being a woman doesn't automatically label her as inferior. Nor does she feel that a man is doing her an inestimable favor by marrying her.

A nobody doesn't trust her judgements, values, or grasp of the facts. She gives over the authority to someone else... The nobody not only surrenders her position on judgements or information; more importantly, she hides the truth about her feelings. She never believes that what she's experiencing is true at all and is content with the alibis that others provide... A somebody has faith in her judgements and summons respect from others.

A nobody dislikes her own company and cannot entertain herself easily, have a laugh on her own, or go to a movie or dinner without someone by her side. Others validate her existence... A somebody knows that if she doesn't like being in her own presence, why should someone else? A somebody likes the respite that being alone provides and she is able to bring more of her real self to another -- not less.

A nobody makes no demands -- sexually, emotionally, or financially. Fearful that she'll be totally rejected if she asks for gratification of any sort, the nobody becomes accustomed to collecting the crumbs that others throw her... A somebody knows that she has the right to ask for what she thinks she deserves. She is willing to take a chance and ask, rather than be taken advantage of or taken for granted.

The nobody can't say no to anyone. She is always at another's beck and call, fearful that if she doesn't say yes, she will be punished by a withdrawal of love... A somebody sees the difference between asserting herself and subjugating herself to another.

A nobody can't be selective or turn anything down. A nobody is thrilled that she's had an an offer at all... Nobodies don't expect to matter, and they set up situations so they are proved right. A nobody makes a decision because she doesn't think she deserves any more. A nobldy will often select a man who mistreats her, because, she thinks, that man sees to her core of her soul and recognizes her lack of worth. And how smart of him! A man who would treat her well is a man who, in her estimation, doesn't have any sense at all!

A nobody has illusions that a man with a lot of confidence can fill that void in her -- and he'll have enough in store for the two of them. With a sigh of relief, the nobody murmurs, "Well, he's got it all. I don't have to worry about that now."

...Instead of learning about confidence from a man and emulating this quality, the woman who thinks she is a nobody tends to draw inward. Why? Because such women need to look up to a man. Desperate not to be an equal partner, but to make the man the main course, the nobody can shrink to virtually nothing. But it's worth the price, the nobody says, because I can look up to him.

One of the truths we have to live with is that we may wind up alone because of death, divorce, or desertion. We have to prepare for it. If you can't prepare for it within the marriage, how will you face it if it should crop up? And if you live as a nobody, where will you be?

Every woman has a responsibility to make herself economically and emotionally independent before she chooses a mate or she will be a "child bride" for the rest of her life. One reason she will not grow is that she has relinquished all her options and let her husband direct her life. But the more you do for yourself, the more you become a "somebody" for yourself and other people. As you become autonomous, you can give up being a nobody -- inside or outside of marriage. When you experience autonomy, you can invite people into your life because they're not going to be a threat to you. You never have to worry that you'll become permanently attached to a man as if you were a living appendage...

...What do you want from marriage? To share your life with someone you care about deeply, or to be taken care of like a child? To develop common goals with someone you respect, or to marry the man you believe will reach goals for you? To develop as an adult within an intimate relationship, or to remain a child who must still fo llow someone else's rules and be judged by someone else's standards? Look and the process and content of marriage, not the longevity. You can be married for twenty-five years and still be miserable, lonely, alienated...

... The wisest move you can make is to start to become an individual. And you don't even have to deal with issues of the past; these only complicate matters. History is written and you can't undo it, but you can attempt to change for tomorrow by making a small effort.

You don't need to assume the role of a nobody so that HE can be somebody...

2007-01-24T19:39:00.000-08:00

Yes, Sir! That's My (Grand) Baby!

My daughter carried on the fine naming tradition. First there was Constance Ann, my mother. Then there was me, Cheryl Ann. Next came Patricia Ann. Now we have Elora Ann, aka Mugsy, which falls under the "silly name for child" tradition. She's sweet though rather grumpy looking in this photo. I'm hoping to get up to see her in real life soon...

2007-01-11T23:02:00.000-08:00

Joy! Joy! Joy!

It is always good to see good friends you haven't seen in a while. It is even better when they have managed to survive what could have been a fatal accident. My friend Grant, and Slav, his driver, hit a truck on their way north to PG from the Lower Mainland. Lest you think Slav is a poor driver, it was because of his quick thinking and quicker reflexes that they managed to survive. And it was totally the fault of the driver who was parked, not on the side of the road, but stopped dead in the middle of the lane without hazards on.

I didn't realize until today how upsetting I found the news of their near miss til I finally had a chance to see them both. Now I am thanking God for his mercies in allowing them to live to see another day.

Tomorrow night is a belated birthday celebration with Grant, Slav, and a few other kinesionics practitioners. I can hardly wait. They are such fun to be with and the camaraderie and shared inside jokes are precious. I have a babysitter lined up for Saturday so that I can spend a good deal of the day with them as well. We do a lot of collaboration, share notes, discuss different ways of approaching particular situations we have run into, and talk a lot of shop. We also practice on one another. It's like vacation and play for me to do this. Can you tell I love my work? I love my friends as well. May the Lord grant us many more opportunities to work together.

2007-01-11T12:41:00.000-08:00

Still Struggling with "Perfection"

Seven days ago I contracted laryngitis and lost my voice. One of my male clients said I was now the "perfect" woman: attractive and silent. [makes wry face] Since that time, my voice has come and gone, but mostly been gone. This made for an interesting Monday. I had to speak at a local homeschool meeting that evening and had no voice for it. I used some of my energy stuff and did some tapping for it and managed to get enough of a voice to make it through the evening. Today I am breaking down and going to see a doctor for a round of antibiotics. When I start coughing up hard green chunks of goo from my voice box, it is time for drastic measures. In the meantime, I am making do with eye contact and body language. The children have discovered how much meaning can be packed into a single glance.

2007-01-11T09:41:00.000-08:00

On Birthdays and Such

Yesterday I completed yet another trip around the sun. My life has undergone some rather profound changes in the past year -- things I didn't anticipate happening when the sun rose on my 45th birthday.

When you are young, life is mapped out before you in a sort of formula that is supposed to equal "happily ever after." Somewhere along the way things begin to go wrong. The road you set out on with such confidence, that appeared, from a distance, to have only a few gentle turns and smooth surfaces, appears upon closer inspection to be filled with potholes that could swallow transport trucks, u-turns, construction with long line -ups, and detour signs.

In the past year I've lost two more sons from home, lost my church, and lost my marriage. I think I am still reeling a bit from the drastic changes that have been taking place as a result of all that. It is with some surprise that I find myself still standing at the end of the day. God's mercies are there in that I have yet to spend a day in bed crying in my pillow in sheer self-pity or desperation. Some days putting one foot in front of the other in a rather robotic fashion is all that I can manage. Yet at least I am still moving.

It hasn't all been negative. I have a wonderful friend who lost his mobility 16 years ago due to an accident. He now spends his days in a wheelchair. One of the things he said to me recently was that the accident and resulting paralysis was an excellent filter for finding out who his real friends are. My recent excommunication and marriage breakdown are accomplishing the same for me. I am finding out who really loves me and who is really my friend. I have friends who call me almost daily or who write to me or check up on me to make sure that I am going to make it. Sometimes they deliver faithful wounds, but they are also quick to apply the salve and bandages and crutches necessary to get me up and hobbling again.

This is sort of like razing a house to the foundations and starting over again. I kind of figured that by the time I hit middle age I would have alot of stuff already figured out and would just spend the rest of my life touching up things here and there. Instead, I find myself going back to the basics yet again with regard to faith. Yeah, I know. At a time that I should be gobbling down and digesting meat, I find myself back on a diet of pablum and milk. But it is either that or just quit eating altogether. And some days anorexia is a real problem, figuratively speaking.

There are a lot of voices telling me one thing or telling me another. Do this, don't do that. God says this, God doesn't say that. And the information is conflicting but delivered with the strength of conviction and certainty that they hold the truth in righteousness. I want to put my fingers in my ears and shut them all out and run away. Tell me God -- directly -- what it is You want of me. And You better hurry, because I have all these kids I still have to raise with some semblance of having my act together and knowing what it is that I am doing.

Below are two of the musical offerings that offer a glimpse of the gritty reality of my life as a Christian. I don't know what the future holds for me or mine. I can only hope in the One who holds it for me.

Oh My God
by Jars of Clay

Oh my God, look around this place
Fingers reach around the bone
You set the break and set the tone
Flights of grace and future falls
in present pain
All fools say, "Oh my God."

Oh my God, why are we so afraid?
We make it worse when we don't bleed
There is no cure for our disease
Turn a phrase and rise again
Or fake your death and only tell your closest friends
Oh my God

Oh my God, can I complain?
You take away my firm belief
And graft my soul upon Your grief
Weddings, boats and alibis
All drift away and a mother cries

Liars and fools, sons and failures
Theives will always say
Lost and found, ailing wanderers
Healers always say
Whores and angels, men with problems
Broken-hearted, separated
Orphans always say
War creators, racial haters
Preachers always say
Distant fathers, fallen warriors
Givers always say
Pilgrim saints, lonely widows
Users always say
Fearful mothers, watchful doubters
Saviours always say

Sometimes I cannot forgive
And these days mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be
Maybe I could get some sleep
While I lay, I dream we're better
Scales were gone and faces lighter
When we wake, we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other
Sometimes I can close my eyes
And all the fear that keeps me silent
Falls below my heavy breathing
What makes me so badly bent?
We all have a chance to murder
We all feel the need for wonder
We still want to be reminded
That the pain is worth the thunder

Sometimes when I lose my grip
I wonder what to make of Heaven
All the times I thought to reach up
All the times I had to give
Babies underneath their beds
Hospitals that cannot treat
All the wounds that money causes
All the comforts of cathedrals
All the cries of thirsty children
This is our inheritance
All the rage of watching mothers
This is our greatest offence

Oh my God
Oh my God
Oh my God...

2007-01-11T09:29:00.000-08:00

Dead Man
by Jars of Clay

January 1, I've got a lot of things on my mind

I'm looking at my body through a new spy satellite

Try to lift a finger, but I don't think I can make the call

So tell me if I move, 'cause I don't feel anything at all

So carry me

I'm just a dead man

Lying on the carpet

Can't find a heartbeat

Make me breathe

I want to be a ne man

Tired of the old one

Out with the old plan

I woke up from a dream about an empty funeral

But it was better than the party full of people I don't really know

They've got hearts to break and burn

Dirty hands to feel the earth

There's something in my veins

But I can't seem to make it work, it won't work

So carry me

I'm just a dead man

Lying on the carpet

Can't find a heartbeat

Make me breathe

I want to be a new man

Tired of the old one

Out with the old plan

Can you feel a beat inside of me?

Any pulse?

Getting worse?

Any pulse?

Getting worse?

Inside of me, can you find a beat?

2007-01-07T15:03:00.000-08:00

The Public Cross

Today the children and I listened to a sermon by Douglas Wilson entitled, "The Public Cross" based on I Corinthians 2: 1-10. As I listened, it occured to me how much my faith (and likely that of others) is often very mixed with unbelief. We take the words "Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love him" as permission to think that God really isn't going to do the things that He clearly says He is going to do in His Word. In other words, when the Bible speaks of the glory of the Lord filling the nations, and all nations worshipping him, we project this all into the future life as though it were an eschatological fairy tale for eternity after the end of the world, never thinking that it will actually occur in this life. It is precisely because it will occur that the rulers of the world would not have put Christ to death if they had known what would come of it. The death of Christ isn't merely about personal salvation. Where you spend eternity is not something that keeps your political rulers up late at night or causes them to break out in persecutions. Rather what gets their goat, and always has done, is the way the cross of Christ challenges them in their capacity as political leaders and threatens their power. That is why, from the very beginning, it was the political and ecclesiastical leaders who conspired to put Christ to death, who posted guards at the tomb, and who were the first ones to know that He had come back from the dead. They believed Christ's words about His coming resurrection where His own disciples did not.

It is so easy to get locked into a few specific aspects of the faith and totally miss or ignore others. Very often salvation is something that is talked of only in terms of the individual. Yet Scripture talks of salvation in terms of groups of people, like households, cities, and nations. Salvation comes not only to individuals, it comes to the collective -- the one and the many. Man is a social creature and as a social creature he is saved. We are saved not only as individuals, we are saved as a community -- the Church.

2007-01-06T15:57:00.000-08:00

The Kangaroos Continue to Hop

Last night word came that the boys in the RPNA (GM) "court" have spared no labor in excommunicating five more people for daring to question them. In their usual fashion, they have chosen to emphasize form and structure over substance and content. This benefits them greatly as it allows them to avoid all difficult questions and the accountability that come with it. I think it is quite telling that they are showing a decided reluctance to put anything down in writing when dealing with some of these brethren. After all, if you only say it and it isn't recorded anywhere, it is easy to say that someone has lied or misrepresented you and then it is their word against yours. However, if you have to commit your words to paper, well, your words can then be passed around and inspected, and maybe even come back to bite you.

This brings the total of people excommunicated in the last few months to 30. When you count the children in these homes, the number is closer to 90 something. We can congratulate the "court" on their efficiency in dealing so summarily with so many in so short a time!

2007-01-06T15:47:00.000-08:00

Tee Hee...

I am now an official member of the "Cute Nose Club." Last week I went to a shop and got my nose pierced and a small shiny clear stone stud put in. When my nose has finished healing, my plan is to get myself a small sparkly little diamond as a replacement. Strategically placed glitz does a lot to lift a girl's spirits.

2007-01-04T22:53:00.000-08:00

Kiss That Girl

Sung by Sheryl Crow

I woke up this mornin' with my makeup on

I've been fakin' it lately, but those days are gone

You look at me and wonder why

I got to cut these strings and learn to fly

But the girl is only in your mind

She's leavin' everything behind

She's not the girl that's gonna make it right

So you can kiss that girl goodbye

We're so glad you made it in this dead end town

Everybody's waiting for you to come down

You're gonna wake up from your dream

You're gonna find someone who looks like me

But the girl is only in your mind

She's leavin' everything behind

She's not the girl that's gonna make it right

So you can kiss that girl goodbye

You could look forever for someone like me

She's just a memory

So you can kiss the girl goodbye

Kiss that girl goodbye

So you can kiss the girl goodbye

So you can kiss this girl goodbye

2007-01-04T09:39:00.000-08:00

PURE calls for New Pastors and Elders
from Reformation 21 Website
(with thanks to Joyce)

PURE Seeks the Rt. Rev. Sanc
Posted October 24, 2006

We would like to invite Rt. Rev. Sanc T. Monious to be our ruling elder. We had posted an advertisement and were hoping for a South African ruling elder, but the Rt. Rev. seems just the kind of man that is called for really, and no one from South Africa has actually come forward (though several have not).

I ought to say that in the past months the church has split, holding rival services across the living room in which they were meeting (in fact one of the members has threatened to burn the apostate’s podium but that would leave her without one also- of course she doesn’t speak in her own assembly: she just stands there) but they are hoping that a ruling elder can reunite the body.

Wanted: Ruling ElderTo head new micro-denomination.

Denomination consists of two members in good standing in Mexico City, Mexico.
Ruling Elder must subscribe to the Westminster Confession, and the original charter of the Massachusetts Bay Colony.

Preferably residing in South Africa, so that the denomination might be international, encompassing both oceans and extending over the whole face of the earth.
At present this little band of believers is the purest church in the world. Seeking an Elder to consolidate unity within the denomination, lead it forth as the flagship of the reformation, to administer the sacraments, and enforce church discipline.

(One of the members is involved in the open sin of thinking in her heart that perhaps the church’s policy on catabaptism is at odds with its firm belief in the nature of the pope as anti-Christ, in violation of the Westminster Confession -as well as the charter of the Massachusetts Bay Colony- and stands in possible need of excommunication. Though without an elder she is equally unable to communicate. This member has appealed to the general assembly, pending such a time as it exists.)

The name of the new denomination is the PURE — Presbyterian Uber-Reformed Evangelicals. We find that Scripture is insufficient without the original charter of the Massachusetts Bay Colony, to determine the nature of the true church and are, so far as we know, the only church in existence complying with that charter. The plight of man is serious indeed but God has not left himself without a remnant: two are better than one, and a threefold cord is not easily broken. God’s Kingdom is advancing on the enemy.

Join the two of us or get out of the way.

2007-01-03T15:32:00.000-08:00

Excommunication Revisited

A few months ago I posted a copy of the ungodly and unscriptural oath that was administered to me by the so-called church court of the RPNA (GM) (whatever that is). Then I posted the notice of excommunication this "court" issued upon my refusal to sign the oath. I subsequently took it all down on the requests of some of the brethren who were still seeking to charitably work through the issues with the elders in question. However, it has become increasingly evident that the elders in question have hardened themselves in their position and are determined to go down with the ship, even if it means excommunicating everyone except for those who are related to them or are their most ardent loyalists. These elders seem to be developing mass excommunication into a fine art. The first group of people had ten members in it. The latest group contained fifteen, some of which had slipped their collective minds for a number of months and even over a year. But hey ho, nothing like the New Year for making a clean sweep. More are expected soon.

I have not only reposted the original comments, oath, and notice of excommunication, but I have added in the public protest that the Prince George society composed in response to the oath in question.

Why am I putting all of this out here? This is to warn anyone who may be considering joining with the RPNA (GM) of what you could be in for if you join hands with them unless God grants them grace to repent.

Here is my original post, which I had put up on November 5, 2006:

BOING! BOING! BOING! [sound of kangaroos hard at work]

I am going to commemorate 2006 as the year in which I was liberated from domestic and ecclesiastical tyranny.

I'm not going to comment much on the former at this time, but for your edification (or not) I will post information concerning the latter below.

First of all, I have considered myself a Presbyterian Covenanter for the past oh, 10 or so years. Lately, things in our societies have taken a nasty turn. They say that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely, and my latest experience hasn't done anything to disprove that. A few years ago we had a presbytery. It was dissolved when there was disagreement over the issue of birth control. Some of the elders believe that potential procreation trumps all other purposes, responsibilities and duties of marriage, even if the life/health of the wife is in danger. One of them felt it did not. So, on the basis of something that has never been established in a lawful General Assembly, a prohibition against birth control in all circumstances was made an implicit term of communion and those who disagreed were tossed out. Promises were made concerning a position paper on birth control, but to date, no paper has been forthcoming.

When presbytery dissolved, we were left in limbo. We had clear expressions from the remaining elders of not having an organized session, but now we find out a few years later that it should have been obvious to all of us that saying that we didn't have an organized session clearly means we have an extraordinarily organized session with all the powers of a General Assembly over the entire universe.

Those of us who have had questions about the structure of church gov't that we had and some of the things being done in its name have been drummed out of the societies by these popish presbyterians.

I'm not going to bore you all with all the tedious details, but after more than two years of going back and forth with the elders trying to have some questions answered, we find ourselves on the outside looking in, and with no higher court of appeal.

So here you go, for your information, you have before you the oath that they required me to swear followed by their declaration of my excommunication. Please note that I have been charged with an unknown sin by an unknown person. Matthew 18 procedures have not been followed. By that I mean, that this is the first time I learned that I had offended someone, and they have not come to me privately to get it cleared up. Nor did they bring two or three witnesses. Instead they passed Go and collected $200. Nice, eh?

October 4, 2006
Dear Cheryl,

Please confirm receipt of this document immediately by email to the Members ofSession: Pastor Greg Price, Elder Greg Barrow, and Elder Lyndon Dohms.

The Session of the RPNA (GM) has received, reviewed, and accepted formal charges of sin that have been filed with this Court and in which charges you are formally named as a defendant. Please understand that this does not mean that the case has already been tried.However, we do find the charges to be in order. As is true with any case brought beforethe Court, this is a very serious matter that could potentially affect the status of yourcurrent membership in the RPNA (GM). Therefore, please carefully and prayerfullyconsider the following requirements that this lawful Court of Jesus Christ now imposes upon you (as defendant) and upon the plaintiff by lawful authority and out of love for Christ and His Church.

Preparatory to adjudicating the charges filed against you, the Court requires that a formaloath be taken by both plaintiff and defendant in which you both, in accord with yourmembership obligations, bear formal testimony in the name of Jesus Christ that you:

1. Have no known disagreement with the Terms of Communion of the RPNA (GM),and,

2. Formally own the Session of the RPNA (GM) as a lawful and faithful Court ofChrist.

This is necessary, in the judgment of the Court, to ensure that all parties involved in this formal dispute (both the one making the charges and the one being charged) assure theCourt of their continued commitment to adhere to the obligations agreed upon at the time of their membership.

The reasons for the Court making this oath mandatory are as follows:

1. Those doctrinal errors or practical scandals that require the Session of the RPNA(GM), as an authoritative Church Court, to refuse a person admission into themembership of the RPNA (GM), also, in consistency, require it to remove one who isalready a member barring repentance.

Thus, if a person should come seeking membership in the RPNA (GM) and should not positively testify to the Court that he/she has no known disagreement with the Terms ofCommunion of the RPNA (GM), and that he/she positively “owns” this Court as a lawful and faithful Court of Jesus Christ, that one would “not” be admitted into membership. If this candidate for membership should say, “I don’t know (or I am not sure) if you are a lawful and faithful Court of Christ,” that person would be positively excluded from admission into membership within the RPNA (GM).Likewise, if a person who is already a Member of the RPNA (GM)—having already affirmed in his/her membership agreement and by his/her continued membership in theRPNA (GM) that he/she has no known disagreement with the Terms of Communion ofthe RPNA (GM) and owns the Session of the RPNA (GM) as a Church Court that is both lawful and faithful—fails, when called upon to do so by a lawful authority, to positively continue to testify of these things, that one, also, would be excluded (i.e. removed) from membership within the RPNA (GM) barring repentance.

2. Failure to take a lawful oath, when imposed by lawful authority, in matters of great
importance, is scandalous and against God’s law.

Westminster Confession of Faith Chapter 22:2,3 states,

“Yet as, in matters of weight and moment, an oath is warranted by the word of God under the New Testament, as well as under the Old; so a lawful oath, being imposed by
lawful authority, in such matters, ought to be taken” (1 Kings 8:31; Ezra 10:5; Nehemiah13:25).“Yet it is a sin to refuse an oath touching any thing that is good and just, being imposedby lawful authority” (Exodus 22:7-11; Numbers 5:19-21; Nehemiah 5:12).

Thus, failure to take the oath below would, in the judgment of this Court, be a dishonor to God, a scandal to the Church, a violation of your own membership agreement, and a disobedience to and dishonoring of the lawful ordinance of ecclesiastical authority given to the Session of the RPNA (GM) as a Court of Christ. Therefore, all who refuse such an oath (unless of course the oath is demonstrably unlawful) may and ought to be disciplined according to the rule of Christ set down in the Word of God in Matthew 18:17-20.

This oath is not optional, and failure to sign this oath and return it to the Clerk of Session within the stipulated time frame will result in the enactment of Church discipline, and barring repentance, will result in formal and public termination of your membership inthe RPNA (GM). Here then is the oath that the Court now imposes upon you (as defendant) by the lawful authority given to the Session of the RPNA (GM) from Christ who is Savior and Head of the Church:

I, Cheryl Grenon, freely and voluntarily, according to my own conscience and not being induced or compelled by any unlawful external means, by the grace of God and in the name of Jesus Christ, sincerely, in the plain and common sense of these terms, without equivocation or mental reservation, formally testify that I, Cheryl Grenon, in no way knowingly disagree with any of the five Terms of Membership of the RPNA (GM), or any of the six Terms of Communion of the RPNA (GM) inclusive of its published position papers (namely, “A Brief Defence Of Dissociation In The Present Circumstances”, “A Brief Testimony Against The Practice Of Occasional Hearing”, “The Common Cup:Evaluated From A Biblical, Historical, And Medical Perspective”, “The Practice Of Headcoverings In Public Worship”, “A Reformation Discussion Of ExtraordinaryPredictive Prophecy Subsequent To The Closing Of The Canon Of Scripture”,“Reformed Presbytery In North America Deed Of Constitution”, and “Position Paper And Response To Questions Circulated About Sessional Authority Within The RPNA(General Meeting)”), and I formally testify that I own the authority of the Session of theRPNA (GM) in both its extraordinary form and jurisdiction, which is presently comprised of Pastor Greg Price, Ruling Elder Greg Barrow, and Ruling Elder Lyndon Dohms, as that Presbyterian Church Court, which is both lawful and faithful to the true Covenanted testimony of Jesus Christ and is agreeable to the Scripture and to all of the SubordinateDocuments of the RPNA (GM). I further testify, in the name of Christ, that I do and will willingly submit to the Session of the RPNA (GM) (in so far as they conform to the Word of God), and that I will endeavor to conduct myself in this upcoming Court proceeding truthfully, honestly and charitably.

Signed,_________________________________________________________
Cheryl Grenon

This signed oath must be returned to the Clerk of the Court, Elder Lyndon Dohms in paper copy [address deleted] by 12 AM,Wednesday, October 18, 2006.

Dear Member, the Court appeals to you not only from the authority of Christ, but also from the love of Christ to fulfill this duty incumbent upon you as a Member of the RPNA(GM).

Please confirm receipt of this document immediately by email to the Members of Session: Pastor Greg Price, Elder Greg Barrow, and Elder Lyndon Dohms.

Respectfully submitted in the fear of God and in the love of Christ,

The Session of the RPNA (GM)Pastor Greg PriceElder Greg BarrowElder Lyndon Dohms

PLEASE NOTE THAT I REFUSED TO SIGN SUCH AN ENTRAPPING AND UNGODLY OATH IN WHAT IS A PATENTLY UNJUST AND INEQUITABLE PROCEEDING

Upon being issued this oath, the Prince George Society responded with the following protest:

October 18, 2006
Dear covenanted brethren,

Greetings in the name of our precious Savior. We cherish your fellowship and pray this letter finds you in the joy of the Lord.

In writing you today, it is our sincere and abiding desire to see true Presbyterian government among us,according to Scripture and according to those Subordinate Standards received and acknowledged in covenanted Historical Testimony. Our purpose now is to openly object to a recent effort to divide us and separate us from fellowship with you. This again deferred our hope of over two years to have counsel from Pastor Greg Price, Elder Greg Barrow and Elder Lyndon Dohms on a variety of concerns, as providence and duty permitted.

Oath Demanded
On October 4, 2006, all our society members were served with demand for an ‘Oath’ (copy below), as a preliminary step to adjudicate unnamed charges brought by an unnamed Plaintiff. As we reflected on this latest step, we realized a line had been crossed demonstrating an obstinacy we could no longer allow to pass over in silence. The result is this public protest and complaint (Eccl 12:14; Lu 12:2).

Background
In July 2004, many brethren gathered in Prince George to celebrate the marriage of _______and ________; that same day, _______was born. In a face-to-face conversation between Pastor Price, Elder Barrow and a 3-member committee of ours in the early hours of Friday, July 2, we related our concern for improved society communication, and shared our plan to distribute a letter that weekend. The purpose of that letter was to ask them and all the brethren to consider what might be of use to us in a historically proven subordinate standard for the promotion of better communication. This was also the first time our society heard Greg Price and Greg Barrow refer to ‘the Session’.

As a courtesy, we shared a draft of our letter with Pastor Price and Elder Barrow (Elder Dohms was notyet in Prince George). Rather than give it out to brethren that Saturday, we were asked to wait 7 daysbefore mailing our letter to the brethren, which would afford them and Elder Dohms a thorough preview.

We agreed to the 7-day window, which would also give us time to review their ‘Session’ claim.
The next day however, Saturday July 3, ‘withdrawal’ of the undistributed draft was made conditional toour being admitted to the Lord’s Table. They refused to speak with us as a society on our commonconcern, insisting they be taken up as individual households. Ultimately, that 7-day window stretched intoan exercise of over two years, of which those July proceedings were but a preview. This was the context of our attempted dialogue with the Elders, during which we honored them with the confidentiality they requested of us, but which they unapologetically did not return in kind.

In the weeks following, we discreetly polled brethren to assess common perception on the ‘is there a Session?’ question, and found we were not alone in our confusion that summer of 2004. We submitted a ‘revised’ draft to each Elder on September 24. As an example of the need for greater communication, it referred to our surprise on the ‘Session’ question back in July. October 7, they put eight questions to us. According to the written record, October 31, 2004 marks their first public reference to themselves by the judicial term ‘Session of the RPNA (General Meeting)’. This was found in the signature of a widely circulated email.

In the course of two years we have been questioned about our motives (Jul./04; Oct./04), told we had separated (July 2005), and that we were causing division among the brethren by not deferring areas of private duty and liberty to them (2006). We have suffered misrepresentation, innuendo, and injury. With many tears and crying out to God, we have guarded our hearts against resentment or bitterness and maintained our desire to see the whole covenanted remnant strengthened. However, any hope we had for meaningful direct dialogue with the Elders effectively came to an end this last October 4, 2006.

The essential problem is that when they served us with this oath, they did so with knowledge of
concerns we had put before each Elder, in escalating degrees no less than six times since July 2004. Their demand, which might be an otherwise lawful and appropriate one, ought not to have been requested or demanded of us until they had taken all reasonable measures to instruct us directly on the relevant questions and outstanding issues. On July 16, 2005, they did comment on our concerns when Greg Barrow emailed rpna_pg@telus.net (cc: Greg Price and Lyndon Dohms):

“We share your concern and agree that the questions you are raising, along with their
attendant implications, warrant our more immediate attention. At the same time we
believe that because your response is questioning the very existence and lawfulness of
our extraordinary Session (and by implication the lawfulness of every member of the
RPNA who presently receives our oversight as faithful), these matters also deserve
careful clarification of your position, further discussion among ourselves, and finally a
carefully written full response to your concerns. This will take time.” (Para. 3b)

From their own words they have demonstrated they understood our concerns had significant implications. Our concerns were also relevant in pre-communion interviews days later in Edmonton, AB, confirming their awareness. Therefore, ignorance cannot be a valid factor in their choice of demand format, which lacks any acknowledgement of our concerns let alone attempt at accommodation.

The demand has five main elements. While all may be cause for concern at different levels, one is completely opposed to any interest in justice. Our hope for justice did not break at:

(1) Their calling themselves a constituted court (nor at the lack of: date of calling and constitution, documented measures to secure informed consent, commencing a confused agenda).

(2) The adopting of practices and doctrinal positions without the beauty of a meaningful, Presbyterian overture.

(3) The requiring us to swear this oath without stating the formal charge and Plaintiff which advantages all other parties have (which appears as potential entrapment contrary to ecclesiastical jurisprudence on ‘informed’ consent).

(4) The right of lawful authorities to impose lawful oaths on those under their jurisdiction (not contested by any among us).

Those four elements might have been considered privately on another day as providence and duty permitted (Deut. 29:29). However, when considered against the two year record, our hope for justice broke upon number five, seeing it as fundamentally problematic to a reasonable hope in their actions:

(5) Putting words in our mouths and by them, constructing commitments we never made
(We have underlined some relevant portions in the oath document itself following our letter)
In choosing to frame the oath as they did, with the knowledge they had, they effectively chose to position us as no members at all of the covenanted community and therefore our unanswered questions will never have to be fully answered. To take the oath would have us own the PPSA, which they claim answers the Session question for us. We are put in a lose/lose situation. Such design stumbles all concerned from fulfilling lawful covenantal vows in good conscience (Solemn League & Covenant, Articles I & II), and is best designed to provoke wrath (Col. 3:21).

Therefore, may God have mercy upon us all as we make known this measure to position us ‘outside the camp’ from covenanted brethren in Christ. This policy of exclusion and “self-preservation” can only be seen as gross incompetence at best, maliciously bearing false witness at worst (LCat. Q.144, Q.145); demonstrating their ‘gift for government’ (1 Cor. 12:28), the facts sustain massive injury in either case. While not a commentary on their personal virtues, which are many, it is an example of governance they claim to fulfill as a judicial court. We might
pass over this out of a misguided desire to ‘live peaceably with all men’ (Rom. 12:18) at all costs, but for the fact it appears the very kind of historical revisionism, linguistic gamesmanship, and tyranny (whether in gross incompetence or willful pride) that the godly have contended against in all ages.

In our documented context, this oath must be seen for what it is: an unlawful imposition contrary to justice, peace and the Presbyterian way. Nevertheless, we have been asked to voluntarily, plainly and firmly testify some things “without equivocation or mental reservation.”

In this context, contrary to the words and commitments imputed to us by Greg Price, Greg Barrow, and Lyndon Dohms October 4, 2006, we publicly testify that:

1. On July 2, 2004, our society committee asked Greg Price and Greg Barrow in person for details corroborating their claim to be members of “a lawful and faithful Court of Christ.”

2. From July 2 until we submitted a revised draft September 24, 2004, we had received no
corroborating details to support the proposition they claimed. We did not and have not denied the proposition, but to this day our concerns remain unanswered, and thus we were not then and are not now in a position to conscientiously own something called, “the Session of the RPNA (GM)”.

3. None of our Prince George society members requested admittance into anything called, “the
RPNA (GM)” which professed body is not now observed existing in the “plain and common
sense” of the words, as established in published covenanted history and Presbyterian polity.

4. Our Society has stated relevant concerns in escalating degrees to each Elder on no less than sixoccasions for over two years since July 2004.

And therefore,
5. In light of our multiple unanswered questions of over two years, to construct our patience and
longstanding commitment to Reformed Presbyterianism (12 years) and the covenanted way (10
years) as tacit consent, and as our having ‘continuing’ “membership commitments” as they frame them, does such injury to the record that we cannot endure further such abuses in silence or patience, lest we sin against our own consciences crying out for peace, charity and reformationbeyond mere words (1 Cor. 13:1). and,

6. We do own approved subordinate standards in the “plain and common sense” of the terms,
however it does not follow that our commitments contemplated the recent public vindication titled ‘Sessional Authority’ of June 4, 2006. We do not own arbitrary claims as settled and binding judicial positions on the whole world without such claims firmly established out of approved argument and example in our covenanted historical testimony, lest in one blow we countenance both independency and prelacy. With the Apostles, we have guarded our consciences from dishonesty (Acts 24:16; 2 Cor. 4:2) and labored to walk faithfully before one Lord (Acts 4:19).

An aggravating problem is that the Elders alleged on August 25, 2006 that some offence exists between our entire society, and one or all of them, on some matter out of our July 23, 2006 email. To date they have refused to identify the matter, let alone substantiate the claim. This does not support their receiving of, let alone hearing of, a case against us, before resolving that fundamental issue which compromises any assurance for justice and equity. Our record of inquiry and entreaty goes back to July 2, 2004; even if they asserted the unspecified ‘charge’ and unnamed ‘Plaintiff’ had a claim preceding our record of inquiry, the conflict of interest is flagrant. Surely it is to put the cart before the horse; surely the resolving
of one must precede the other?

An underlying concern is the reluctance on their part (October 2004; August 25, 2006) to clarify their understanding of confidentiality in our dialogue attempts to date. Is this because the topic of confidentiality is another concept so complex it is beyond the understanding of the average person? We must wonder if the confusion is not so much in the topics as in those claiming such wisdom (Prov. 27:2).

Our concerns may be better highlighted in the Reformation question: “Does the Church exist for the edification of the government, or the government for the edification of the Church?” At this time, we are convinced by Scripture and Historical Testimony that the form of proceedings taken here is NOT proven as Presbyterian by any convention of charity or heavenly wisdom.

In Closing
[Irrelevant portion edited out concerning our records of correspondance.]

We do hope to see all the Societies established in humble, proper Presbyterian governance in the bond of unity, together serving the Kingdom of Jesus Christ here on earth in keeping our covenantal vows. It is said that words expressing ‘love’ for one another are nothing without humility, repentance, and Truth in action. The Savior also demanded profession before men (Matt. 10:32, 33); may we not be found as Peter on that sad day when the cock did crow (Luke 22:60-62). May we all ’play the man’ (2 Sam. 10:12), not in carnal defense of reputation or party as for Paul or Apollos (1 Cor. 3:4-6), but for Christ alone.

Our hopes and prayers for you all continue, as we beseech the Father for Minister, Elders and His flock.

Society of Prince George
October 18, 2006
Prince George Society members
[names deleted]

The refusal to take the oath earned me the following:

Announcement from the Session of the RPNA (General Meeting)November 4, 2006

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

It is our sad but necessary ministerial duty to announce publicly to those under our oversight, that Mrs. Cheryl Grenon of Prince George, British Columbia, Canada, has refused to swear a lawful Oath imposed upon her (October 4, 2006) by this lawful Church Court reaffirming her membership agreement (before being served with charges of sin [filed in good order and received by the Court] by a member of the RPNA—GM), and in so doing has sinfully excommunicated herself from membership and has shown public contempt for Christ and His Ordinance of a lawful Church Court. Not only did the Session give in the Letter of October 4, 2006 (that accompanied the Oath) scriptural citations, confessional support and reasonable arguments consistent with her membership agreement, but also sent the public Letter of October 28, 2006 (and a corrected version October 29, 2006) responding to various objections offered by members in Prince George (and others) to taking the Oath. The Session did in that Letter prove (by way of reference to its Position Paper on Sessional Authority June 4, 2006),accuse of sin, rebuke in brotherly love, and command in the fear of God, Cheryl Grenon to repent of her sin, but she has not stated to the Session either her repentance or her intention to repent. Although Cheryl has not explicitly written to terminate her membership with the RPNA (GM), she has done so implicitly by publicly, actively, and voluntarily refusing to take a lawful Oath that reaffirms her submission to the Session as a lawful Court and her acknowledgement that she has no known disagreement with the Terms of Communion of this Church.

Thus, Cheryl Grenon has sinned against Christ and His Ordinance of Church Government within this lawful Church Court by refusing to sign a lawful Oath and showing public contempt for such a Court.

“Now Korah, the son of Izhar, the son of Kohath, the son of Levi, and Dathan and Abiram, the sons of Eliab, and On, the son of Peleth, sons of Reuben, took men: And they rose up before Moses, with certain of the children of Israel, two hundred and fifty princes of the assembly, famous in the congregation, men of renown: And they gathered themselves together against Moses and against Aaron, and said unto them, Ye take too much upon you, seeing all the congregation are holy, everyone of them, and the LORD is among them: wherefore then lift ye up yourselves above the congregation of the LORD?” (Numbers 16:1-3)

“Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” (Matthew 18:18-20)

“And as they went through the cities, they delivered them the decrees for to keep, that were ordainedof the apostles and elders which were at Jerusalem.” (Acts 16:4)

“Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.” (Hebrews 13:17)

Cheryl Grenon’s public, active, and voluntary refusal to reaffirm her submission to our lawful Church Court, and her membership within a faithful Church of Christ is, in our judgment, a sinful division and schism within the body of Christ (Romans 16:17), and without scriptural warrant.

With much grief and sorrow, for the purpose of informing those under our oversight, we declare that the membership status of Mrs. Cheryl Grenon has now formally changed, and we publicly declare her to be placed upon our List of Deserters, and judicially declare in the name of Jesus Christ that she is now in a position of being formally excommunicated from the Visible Church. We do so in hope praying that God may by this action deliver her unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, THAT THE SPIRIT MAY BE SAVED IN THE DAY OFTHE LORD JESUS (1 Corinthians 5:5). We take not this step because we hate Cheryl, butbecause we love her and earnestly desire her repentance and reconciliation.

We remind the congregation that our duty toward Cheryl is to constantly and humbly pray forher reconciliation in the truth, and that each of us ought to be mindful and careful of our respective duties in regard to having familiar fellowship with those who are excommunicated from the Church. We would call to the attention of all who are under our inspection that to practice familiar fellowship with those who are excommunicated is likewise a sin that is censurable and contrary to the Word of God (1 Corinthians 5:11-13) and to our Terms of Communion (_The First Book of Discipline_, “The Seventh Head--Of EcclesiasticalDiscipline”).

Finally, we would remind you that, as members of the RPNA (General Meeting), each time you become informed of, or witness, a judicial action enacted by this court, you have a scriptural duty either to consent to that judicial action (either expressly or tacitly) as that done faithfully by a lawful court of Christ, or to dissent with arguments agreeable to Scripture and good reason (expressly and formally in writing) should you deem this action to be unfaithfully done. Please note, that your consent need not be formally expressed, as we take silence in this matter to be your tacit consent and approval of both the lawfulness of our Court and the faithfulness of the judicial action being enacted. If you disagree with what we have done as a Court, or for some reason believe that we are not lawfully constituted as a Court of Christ to perform such an act of jurisdiction, then it is your duty, according to God’s Word and your membership agreement, to immediately, formally, and honestly express your dissent, reasons and/or questions in writing to the Session.

For Christ's Crown and Covenant,

The Session of the RPNA (General Meeting)
Pastor Greg Price Ruling Elder
Lyndon DohmsRuling
Elder Greg Barrow

My concluding remarks: I would hope that those who have read this would not think that this is classic presbyterianism at work. Nor do I think that this is representative of what Covenanted presbyterianism is all about. To be truthful, I am no longer sure what covenanted presbyterianism looks like because I suspect, given the perceived deviations that I see from the standards, that what was dished out is nothing like the real McCoy. (Please note that I am exercising a great deal of restraint and would really like to say some other more forthright things. But I will spare my readers' blushes.)

I have something going in my favor -- I am not the only one who was kicked out. My entire society was on the chopping block and met the same fate. Misery loves company, but I can truthfully say that I am far from miserable and actually delighted to be set free from this whole mess. My next task is figuring out what to do next...

2006-12-29T23:58:00.000-08:00

Rules for Life...

"Rule for Life Number One: You marry at the level of your own psychological health.

Strive though you will to find someone who possesses the strengths you lack, you will ultimately wind up with a man who's approximately your double. What are you missing? Most women bounce from crib to school to college (if they're lucky) to a quasi-career, then into a connubial bed, without first defining who they are. Their totality depends on getting a husband...

"Dr. Albert Ellis, in Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy, lists twelve important self-defeating beliefs that preven tus from defining ourselves clearly and becoming adults. Among these, the following are critical:

It is terrible when things are different from what I would like them to be.
My suffering is caused by others and events beyond my control.
It is easier for me to avoid than to face up to difficulties and responsibilities in my life.
I can become happy without taking action on my own behalf.
I have little control over how I feel.

"These five beliefs all share a common basis: "I have little or no command over my life and must or should adhere to others' notions of who I am and how I should live my life." But responsibilities and difficulties do not disappear through denial or evasion. Happiness is not dispensed to you. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make me feel inferior without my consent.""

From Men are Just Desserts by Sonya Friedman

2006-12-29T23:55:00.000-08:00

2006-12-29T00:23:00.000-08:00

There is a River

by Jars of Clay

There is a river that washes you clean

There is a tree that marks the places you've been

Blood that was spilled, though not your own

For all of your tears are the wages for things you've done

And all of those nights

Spent in the darkness of your mind

Give it up, let it go

These are things you were never meant to shoulder

There is a river that washes you clean

There is a tree that marks the places you've been

Blood that was spilled although not your own

For all of those tears, love will atone

So give up the right

To control the waves that empty out your life

Above wild skies

Are the rays that break the shadows we design

Give it up, let go

These are things you were never meant to shoulder

Give it up, let go.

There is a river that washes you clean

There is a tree that marks the places you've been

Blood that was spilled, though not your own

For all of these things, love will atone

I know the world can turn in different ways

Most of the time we're simply hanging on

And under the signs of how we all behave

We might find the place that we belong

For all of those nights that you cried all alone

All of your tears, love will atone.

2006-12-29T00:09:00.000-08:00

Crazy Times

by Jars of Clay

You're cold that way

And that's why you say

The things that you say

You can't attract The things that you lack

You're trying in vain

Chorus:

It seems it's always the crazy times

You find you'll wake up and realize

It takes more than your saline eyes

To make things right

You spiral down

You've broken your crown

You don't feel like a [king]

You've seen the proof

But you're still crying wolf

You'll never believe

[Chorus]

You try to climb a broken ladder

Grip the missing rungs

And fall down, down, down

Seems sometime ago you said

This wouldn't last

And now you sit here crying

Beside your bed

You feel left for dead

You kneel in the dark...

It takes more than your saline eyes

To make things right

2006-12-29T00:01:00.000-08:00

Work

by Jars of Clay

Just in case, I will leave my things packed
So I can run away
I cannot trust these voices
I don't have a line of prospects that can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to that can bring me sweet release
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone."

Empty spaces with shadows lit by streetlights
The warning signs and weight of tired conversations
In the absence of a shoulder, in the abscess of a thief
On the brink of this destruction, on the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets and I'm living out
Every word they speak, every word they speak

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"

I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work

2006-12-28T23:35:00.000-08:00

Hollow Women

"If you feel you need a man to assure you that life is meaningful, stop now. It's time to reassess your skills, your personality, your self-esteem. The truth is, the more you are, the less you need.The more you are, the more you possess yourself without getting caught up with pleasing others and the more you can understand that no one's going to make you happy or complete, but yourself. The more you are the more you will realize that a man can detract from or enhance your happiness, but he can never be responsible for answering all your needs. The more you are, the more you see that he is not the main course, -- you are."

excerpted from Men Are Just Desserts: How Learning to Be a Woman with a Life of Your Own Can Enrich the Life You Share with a Man by Sonya Friedman

I may have more to say on this topic in coming days.

2006-12-27T09:17:00.000-08:00

Fade To Grey
by Jars of Clay

It's not hard to know what you're thinking
When you look down on me now
Your trance of love is seeking
To turn this world around
But in my state of blind confusion
No God can pull me out
I see your love is willing
To turn me inside out

And then I see you there
The lonely tears I cry
I wish they'd release me

It's in despair that I find faith
Summon the night to bow down to day
When ignorance is bliss
Save me from myself

Chorus:
And then I see You there
With Your arms open wide and
You try to embrace me
These lonely tears I cry
They keep me in chains and
I wish they'd release me
Cold is the night but
Colder still is the heart made of stone, turned from clay
And if you follow me
You'll see all the black, all the white fade to grey

Fade to grey

2006-12-24T10:17:00.000-08:00

This One's for Wrose...

"Numb"
by David Usher

Hey, have you fallen off the shelf?
Can I help you get yourself, back together?
I'm so tired, can I help you save yourself?

Have your friends all changed?
All the people that you thought would be around,
As your light goes grey,
Are you losing all the hope you thought you'd found,
I think we're numb [x3]

Hey, have you found somebody new?
Have you found yourself unglued, for the first time in your life?
Can I help you save yourself?

Have your friends all changed?
All the people that you thought would be around,
As your life goes grey,
Are you losing all the hope you thought we'd found,
I think we're numb [x6]

And tell me do you feel like dying?
Tell me does it hurt just waking?
Tell me have you lost the reasons you ever wanted to fight?
Has it left you lonely?
Tell me do you pray for morning?
Tell me does it hurt just waking?
Tell me have you lost the reasons you ever wanted to fight?
And you know it's all impossible.

And nothing feels the same,
Life is full now,
Every morning when the light comes in,
Everybody sings the same song tonight,
Better fly away, yeah

Have your friends all changed?
All the people that you thought would be around,
As your light goes grey,
Are you losing all the hope you thought you'd found,
I think we're numb. [x9]

2006-12-17T10:52:00.000-08:00

Parable
by Douglas Wilson

Once there was a young man who worked for a retail store that was owned by a fellow Christian, and his job was that of a cashier. Although he was tender-hearted, he was also undisciplined and weak-willed, and when he was running short on funds one month, he "borrowed" from the till one day with every intention of paying it back. Of course, his lack of discipline made that impossible, despite his intention, and he was not able to do it.

Some time went by, but one day as his boss was going through the books, the discrepancy was discovered. His boss confronted him, he confessed, and his boss, not surprisingly, fired him. The young man was in agony over this for some days, but after about a week, he borrowed from his parents the amount he had taken, came back to his former boss, gave him the money back, and sought his forgiveness for what he had done.

His boss said that he did forgive him, completely. The air cleared, they had quite a good conversation. At the end of the conversation, the young man asked, quite casually, if he could have his job back. Much to his surprise, his boss shook his head no.

"What do you mean?" the young man asked, before he really had a chance to think. "I thought you forgave me!"

"Well, I did," his boss said. "I am more than willing to come to the Lord’s Supper together with you" (the two attended the same church). "I have not needed to tell the police about what you have done at all."

"But I thought forgiveness meant putting everything back just the way it was before."

"Well, no," his boss said. "It means putting some things back. Like fellowship. But qualifications for fellowship are not the same thing as qualifications for office. Simple forgiveness is all that is necessary for the former. But qualifications for holding office are higher. And if you don’t meet them, and I see that you don’t, it doesn’t mean that I have not forgiven you."

The young man shook his head, confused. "I thought . . ." he began.

His former boss interrupted him. "I have forgiven you," he said, "completely. Nothing stands between us. You have sought forgiveness, and I owe you that forgiveness. But I don’t owe you a job."

2006-12-14T22:27:00.000-08:00

Stuck in a Moment
Lyrics by U2

I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I will not forsake
The colors that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing
I am still enchanted
By the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears
Through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now
My, oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

2006-12-10T18:06:00.000-08:00

Why So Many Lyrics?

Regular readers of this blog will have noticed that since September that there hasn't been a lot of original posting happening here. Instead I have been putting up lyrics to various songs. There has been a lot happening in my life in the last few months -- stuff I would rather not comment on directly. Instead I put up lyrics that express what I am feeling/thinking at any given point in time. Sorry to be so oblique. Maybe some day I will be able to be more direct about it all. In the meantime, here is today's offering:

One Day At a Time
sung by Jeremy Camp on his Stay CD

One day at a time
I will walk this road I've traveled so far
One day at a time well I know I will carry on
One day at a time I can see you took my life this far
One day at a time I will take this faith along

All this hope I breathe is given by the hand that carries me
Until I'm complete and I'll take all I will
To understand this plan you have for me, for me
I've been shut up shut down held out held down
In ways I never knew I would

I can't feel your fullness in my life
Well iIve been burned out broken torn out torn down
In ways I never knew I would
I can't feel your fullness in my life

One day at a time
I will take these words you've given me
One day at a time
I will rest in knowing you
One day at a time
I will share this gift you've given me
One day at a time
I will walk these valleys through

All I know is that I see how much my heart
Is longing to be cradled by your side
And I'll give all I can to one day soon
Be held by your hand, by your hand

In all these things Iwill press on
I'll be with you I know it won't be long

2006-12-10T11:35:00.000-08:00

"Mistakes Are the Privilege of the Active Person"

The above quote comes from an email from my friend, Margery K. The context of the email was yet another discussion on God's grace and its nature. I have been pondering the above, especially in connection with the life of King David and by way of comparison, with my own. Mistakes are not necessarily the same thing as sin, of course. But if you are at all an active person who is going out and doing things, chances are you will have a lot of mistakes and maybe even a lot of sins happening. But as Margery has also reminded me, "mistakes are God's little learning opportunities." I seem to be getting a lot of those lately.

I guess the reason I am pondering David's life is that he was no poster boy for a sanitized view of sainthood. He was a truly great man with some spectacular failures in his life and yet he remained a man of God. A mark of salvation is that no matter how often or how far you fall, you always rise up and persevere, though you may find yourself at Heaven's gate bloodied and beaten by life and the consequences of sin. And you will find yourself more than a conqueror.

This is a time of sifting for me. I don't know how long this sifting will last, but I have the distinct feeling that it won't be over soon. I feel a fragility of soul that I have never felt before. I sometimes think I could easily splinter into a thousand million pieces. At other times, I feel a strong core of something sustaining me that surprises me. Temptations to complete despair and hopelessness can sometimes consume me, and then the Lord sends someone or something along to show me that I am not completely forsaken and that He is keeping me and maybe even using me. Most days all I know is to put one foot in front of the other and just do the duty that is in front of me. Some days I know that I am sustained by the power of God and His love for me. On the days that I don't know that, or doubt it, He sustains me anyhow and covers my sinful doubts with His mercy.

One of the things I am noticing in the Scriptures are the contrasts that exist. Psalm 40: 12 talks about how our iniquities are more than the hairs of our heads causing the heart to fail because of the sheer magnitude of their number. But earlier in the Psalm we also read how God's mercies are more than can be numbered. Does sin abound? Grace more than abounds to cover it. There are numerous superlatives found in Scripture regarding the love and mercy of God. Ephesians tells us that God is rich in mercy, and there is an exceeding richness of grace; riches of grace, made to abound to us. God is no stingy miser when it comes to covering our sins. The bizarre thing about grace is that the more you see your need of it, and the more you receive it, the less you feel like doing the things that require your need of it in the first place. Or so I am finding. Sanctification is happening, I guess.

I don't have a graceful way of ending this post. Sorry.

2006-12-08T08:10:00.000-08:00

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
lyrics by U2

I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you
But I still havent found what Im looking for
But I still havent found what Im looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven't found what Im looking for
But I still havent found what Im looking for

I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well yes Im still running

You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it

But I still havent found what Im looking for...

2006-12-07T21:20:00.000-08:00

Five Candles
Lyrics by Jars of Clay

A promise or a dare
I would jump if I knew you'd catch me
Staring over the edge
I can't tell if you'll be here for me
I close my eyes and make a wish
Turn out the lights and take a breath
Pray that when the wick is burned
You would say that it's all about love

Chorus:
You were there when I needed you
You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open
You were there when I needed you
You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open
You were never here

I remember you said
Love was more than your good intentions
Empty boxes on the floor
Things I never asked you for
I pray that when the wick is burned
You would say that it's all about love

[Chorus]

I can't see the promise of
Excuses you fall upon
I pray to God not holding on
To things you've left undone

[Chorus x 2]
You were there when I
You were there when I
You were there when I needed you

2006-12-07T21:15:00.000-08:00

Liquid
lyrics by Jars of Clay

Arms nailed down,
Are you tellin me something?
Eyes turned out, Are you looking for someone?

This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.

Blood-stained brow,
Are you dying for nothing?
Flesh and blood,
Is it so elemental?

This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.
This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.

Blood-stained brow,
He wasn't broken for nothing.
Arms nailed down,
He didn't die for nothing.

This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.
This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.
This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.
This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.

Sometimes when life is complicated and tangled, it helps to go back to the one thing you know.

2006-11-14T20:05:00.000-08:00

Flood

Rain rain on my face
It hasn't stopped raining for days
My world is a flood
Slowly I become one with the mud

But if I can't swim after forty days
And my mind is crushed by the crashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me up Lift me up -
When I'm falling Lift me up -
I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again

Down pour on my soul
Splashing in the ocean
I'm losing control
Dark sky all around
I can't feel my feet touching the ground

But if I can't swim after forty days
And my mind is crushed by the crashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me up Lift me up - When I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again

Calm the storms that drench my eyes
And dry the streams still flowing
Casting down all the waves of sin
And guilt that overthrow me

If I can't swim after forty days
And my mind is crushed by the crashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall -
Lift me up

2006-11-14T09:48:00.000-08:00

He

Lyrics from Jars of Clay

Don't try to reach me, I'm already dead
The pain when it grips me, for things that I've done
Well, I try to make you proud
But for crying out loud
Just give me a chance to hide away
Exhaustion takes over, will this someday be over?

Fearful tears are running down
The pain you've laid, don't speak a sound
Don't take my heart away from me
And they think I fell down, again

Daddy, don't you love me
Then why do you hit me
And Momma don't you love me
Then why do you hurt me
Well, I try to make you proud
But for crying out loud
Just give me a chance to hide away
Exhaustion takes over, will this someday be over?

Fearful tears are running down
The pain you've laid, don't speak a sound
Don't take my heart away from me
And they think I fell down

A teardrop falls from up in the heavens
Drowning the sorrow of angels in high
For the least of the helpless, the hopeless, the loveless
Your Jesus, His children, He holds in His eyes
He loves you, He sees you,
He knows you, Protects you,
He needs you, He holds you...

I am NOT referring to my parents in the above song. I was not a victim of child abuse and my parents are the best. This song is merely reflective of the effects of what I have been going through recently. Stuff is bubbling up from the bottom of my soul -- stuff that has been stuffed down and repressed for years.

2006-11-01T21:51:00.000-08:00

Invisible To You

Sung by Mary Coughlin

from the CD Celtic Moods

Didn't see me, you didn't see me at all

Couldn't hear me, so you couldn't have heard me fall

And you never knew though I did everything I could do

'Cause I, I was invisible to you

Lost my shadow, crossed my shadow with yours

Passed a mirror, got no reflection there anymore

Since you walked right through, now I can't even seem to be blue

'Cause I, I was invisible to you

Oh I, I was invisible to you

Two in the morning

Staring at these pictures on my wall

It's funny how the pictures never call

And you never knew

Though I did everything I could do

'Cause I, I was invisible to you

Didn't see me, you didn't see me at all

Couldn't hear me, so you couldn't have heard me fall

And you never knew though I did everything I could do

'Cause I, I was invisible to you

Oh I, I was invisible to you...

2006-10-18T12:45:00.000-07:00

"Learning To Breathe"

by Switchfoot

Hello, good morning, how you do?

What makes your rising sun so new?

I could use a fresh beginning too

All of my regrets are nothing new

So this is the way that I say I need You

This is the way that

I'mLearning to breathe

I'm learning to crawl

I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall

I'm living again, awake and alive

I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how you been?

Yesterday left my head kicked in

I never, never thought that

I would fall like that

Never knew that I could hurt this bad

So this is the way that I say I need You

This is the way that I say I love You

This is the way that I say I'm Yours

This is the way, this is the way

That I'm learning to breathe

I'm learning to crawl

I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall

I'm living again, awake and alive

I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

These abundant skies...

2006-10-06T10:27:00.000-07:00

Like a Child
by Jars of Clay

Dear God,
Surround me as I speak,
The bridges that I walk across are weak
Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bare

Dear God,
Don't let me fall apart
You've held me close to you
I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand

They say that I can move the mountains
And send them falling to the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe
With Faith Like a Child

Sometimes,
When I feel miles away
And my eyes can't see your face
I wonder if I've grown to lose
The recklessness I walked in light of you

They say that I can move the mountains
And send them crashing to the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe
With Faith Like a Child

They say that love can heal the broken
They say that hope can make you see
They say that faith can find a Savior
If you would follow and believe
With Faith Like a Child

2006-09-26T10:10:00.000-07:00

Your [Wo]Man

by SmashMouth (with apologies for some minor editing)

I don't know why I'm with you
The only right thing I do is get along with you
And days go bye-bye for you but they fly by for me
It's true
I talked to you late last night
You said it wasn't all right but it would be all right
And when you sleep by yourself
You're not alone I'm with you

But you weren't listening when I told you everything
That you need I ain't got
You should be gone by now but you're not

I play guitar all night long
And I know hundreds of songs and I'll just play them all
And even when I get home somehow you're still alone
It's true
I don't know why you're with me
The only reason I see some sort of fetish thing
Some people like to be pleased and
Some like to be teased
Which are you?

I tried to warn you but you said just play dead
As long as we stay
True

But you weren't listening when I told you everything
That you need I ain't got
You should be gone by now but you're not
But you're not

Did your head not receive the shape of everything
That you are and I am?
I should be happy as your [wo]man
You know that I'm not

I play guitar all night long
And I know hundreds of songs and I'll just play them all
And when you sleep by yourself
You're not alone I'm with you
As long as we stay true

--You weren't listening when I told you everything
That you need I ain't got
You should be gone by now but you're not

But you're not

2006-09-26T09:22:00.000-07:00

Face to Face
by Josh White of Telecast

Minutes dissolve as I fight this fall
I'm learning to crawl, trembling I call
Restrain my heart, replace it with You
Jesus, I'll deny myself. I will follow You

There will be a day
When all will fade away
And all that will remain
Is loving you face to face
Jesus, I pray
That You would come today
Faith will be replaced
With loving You face to face

You are the Gate
Which I entered in
You are the Path
Which I'm following
You are the Light
That carries me through
You are the Guide
That's leading me back to You.

There will be a day
When all will fade away
And all that will remain
Is loving You face to face
Jesus, I pray
That you would come today
Faith will be replaced
With loving you face to face.

2006-09-25T22:15:00.000-07:00

Saturate
By Josh White of Telecast

Dwelling on days gone by
All of this wasted time
Why do I want just to talk with You?

Burn away all the lies inside
Remind me where You reside, this time
I will remain in You

I won’t be satisfied
Until I’ve laid my eyes on You
I will abide in You
I won’t be satisfied Until You’re all that comes through
Until I’m saturated in You.

Feelings come and feelings go
Don’t care, just want to know
You more and more every moment

There are days that are dark, and I’m scared
Days I just fall apart, but You’re there
I will remain in You

And I will hold to You
In a world that’s so confused
Jesus, I love you
Saturate me with You.

2006-09-23T11:56:00.000-07:00

Too Little, Too Late

How ironic. I wrote the words to this song that my son composed music for and I wrote it in response to what was happening in a friend's marriage. I never thought I would look back at it and see that it fit my life as well. All except for the bit about hate. I don't hate. I just feel indifferent.

The signs have been there
They’ve been there so long
The seeds you sowed so long ago
Have grown up too strong
The harvest now is bitter
As you reap what you have sown
Still waters run deep
And now you are alone

Your tears drop down your face like rain
As love slowly turns to hate
Repentance comes but now you fear
It’s too little, too late.

You thought the rules would bend for you
Well they bent until they broke
Neglect of duties and of joys
Made faith a perfect joke
Hypocrisy unseen by you
Made hearts as soft as stone
Still waters brought a deep divide
And now you are alone

Your children the unwilling victims
Of your "noble" sacrifice
To what you thought was the higher
And greater purpose of your life.
Seeds of missed opportunities
Were watered by their tears
And now you wish to go back in time
To uproot all the lost years.

Your tears drop down your face like rain
As love slowly turned to hate
Repentance comes but now you find
It’s too little, too late.

2006-09-22T11:47:00.000-07:00

Waiting for the World to Fall
by Jars of Clay from the Chronicles of Narnia Soundtrack

I'm afraid it's been too long
to try to find the reasons why
I let my world close in around
a smaller patch of fading sky
But now I've grown beyond the walls
to where I've never been
And it's still winter in my wonderland

Chorus
I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone

I close my eyes and try to see
the world unbroken underneath
The farther off and already
it just might make the life I lead
A little more than make-believe
when all my skies are painted blue
And the clouds don't ever change
the shape of who I am to You

Chorus

I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone

When I catch the light of falling stars
my view is changing me
My view is changing me

I'm waiting

2006-09-21T16:53:00.000-07:00

Much Afraid
by Jars of Clay

Empty again
Sunken down so far
So scared to fall
I might not get up again
So I lay at your feet
All my brokenness
I carry all of my burdens to you

All of these things I've held up in vain
No reason nor rhyme
Just the scars that remain
Of all of these things
I'm so much afraid
Scared out of my mind
By the demons I've made
Sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go
Oh, sweet Jesus, never ever let me go