On Birthdays and Such

Yesterday I completed yet another trip around the sun. My life has undergone some rather profound changes in the past year -- things I didn't anticipate happening when the sun rose on my 45th birthday.

When you are young, life is mapped out before you in a sort of formula that is supposed to equal "happily ever after." Somewhere along the way things begin to go wrong. The road you set out on with such confidence, that appeared, from a distance, to have only a few gentle turns and smooth surfaces, appears upon closer inspection to be filled with potholes that could swallow transport trucks, u-turns, construction with long line -ups, and detour signs.

In the past year I've lost two more sons from home, lost my church, and lost my marriage. I think I am still reeling a bit from the drastic changes that have been taking place as a result of all that. It is with some surprise that I find myself still standing at the end of the day. God's mercies are there in that I have yet to spend a day in bed crying in my pillow in sheer self-pity or desperation. Some days putting one foot in front of the other in a rather robotic fashion is all that I can manage. Yet at least I am still moving.

It hasn't all been negative. I have a wonderful friend who lost his mobility 16 years ago due to an accident. He now spends his days in a wheelchair. One of the things he said to me recently was that the accident and resulting paralysis was an excellent filter for finding out who his real friends are. My recent excommunication and marriage breakdown are accomplishing the same for me. I am finding out who really loves me and who is really my friend. I have friends who call me almost daily or who write to me or check up on me to make sure that I am going to make it. Sometimes they deliver faithful wounds, but they are also quick to apply the salve and bandages and crutches necessary to get me up and hobbling again.

This is sort of like razing a house to the foundations and starting over again. I kind of figured that by the time I hit middle age I would have alot of stuff already figured out and would just spend the rest of my life touching up things here and there. Instead, I find myself going back to the basics yet again with regard to faith. Yeah, I know. At a time that I should be gobbling down and digesting meat, I find myself back on a diet of pablum and milk. But it is either that or just quit eating altogether. And some days anorexia is a real problem, figuratively speaking.

There are a lot of voices telling me one thing or telling me another. Do this, don't do that. God says this, God doesn't say that. And the information is conflicting but delivered with the strength of conviction and certainty that they hold the truth in righteousness. I want to put my fingers in my ears and shut them all out and run away. Tell me God -- directly -- what it is You want of me. And You better hurry, because I have all these kids I still have to raise with some semblance of having my act together and knowing what it is that I am doing.

Below are two of the musical offerings that offer a glimpse of the gritty reality of my life as a Christian. I don't know what the future holds for me or mine. I can only hope in the One who holds it for me.

Oh My God
by Jars of Clay

Oh my God, look around this place
Fingers reach around the bone
You set the break and set the tone
Flights of grace and future falls
in present pain
All fools say, "Oh my God."

Oh my God, why are we so afraid?
We make it worse when we don't bleed
There is no cure for our disease
Turn a phrase and rise again
Or fake your death and only tell your closest friends
Oh my God

Oh my God, can I complain?
You take away my firm belief
And graft my soul upon Your grief
Weddings, boats and alibis
All drift away and a mother cries

Liars and fools, sons and failures
Theives will always say
Lost and found, ailing wanderers
Healers always say
Whores and angels, men with problems
Broken-hearted, separated
Orphans always say
War creators, racial haters
Preachers always say
Distant fathers, fallen warriors
Givers always say
Pilgrim saints, lonely widows
Users always say
Fearful mothers, watchful doubters
Saviours always say

Sometimes I cannot forgive
And these days mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be
Maybe I could get some sleep
While I lay, I dream we're better
Scales were gone and faces lighter
When we wake, we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other
Sometimes I can close my eyes
And all the fear that keeps me silent
Falls below my heavy breathing
What makes me so badly bent?
We all have a chance to murder
We all feel the need for wonder
We still want to be reminded
That the pain is worth the thunder

Sometimes when I lose my grip
I wonder what to make of Heaven
All the times I thought to reach up
All the times I had to give
Babies underneath their beds
Hospitals that cannot treat
All the wounds that money causes
All the comforts of cathedrals
All the cries of thirsty children
This is our inheritance
All the rage of watching mothers
This is our greatest offence

Oh my God
Oh my God
Oh my God...

Dead Man
by Jars of Clay

January 1, I've got a lot of things on my mind

I'm looking at my body through a new spy satellite

Try to lift a finger, but I don't think I can make the call

So tell me if I move, 'cause I don't feel anything at all

So carry me

I'm just a dead man

Lying on the carpet

Can't find a heartbeat

Make me breathe

I want to be a ne man

Tired of the old one

Out with the old plan

I woke up from a dream about an empty funeral

But it was better than the party full of people I don't really know

They've got hearts to break and burn

Dirty hands to feel the earth

There's something in my veins

But I can't seem to make it work, it won't work

So carry me

I'm just a dead man

Lying on the carpet

Can't find a heartbeat

Make me breathe

I want to be a new man

Tired of the old one

Out with the old plan

Can you feel a beat inside of me?

Any pulse?

Getting worse?

Any pulse?

Getting worse?

Inside of me, can you find a beat?

The Public Cross

Today the children and I listened to a sermon by Douglas Wilson entitled, "The Public Cross" based on I Corinthians 2: 1-10. As I listened, it occured to me how much my faith (and likely that of others) is often very mixed with unbelief. We take the words "Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love him" as permission to think that God really isn't going to do the things that He clearly says He is going to do in His Word. In other words, when the Bible speaks of the glory of the Lord filling the nations, and all nations worshipping him, we project this all into the future life as though it were an eschatological fairy tale for eternity after the end of the world, never thinking that it will actually occur in this life. It is precisely because it will occur that the rulers of the world would not have put Christ to death if they had known what would come of it. The death of Christ isn't merely about personal salvation. Where you spend eternity is not something that keeps your political rulers up late at night or causes them to break out in persecutions. Rather what gets their goat, and always has done, is the way the cross of Christ challenges them in their capacity as political leaders and threatens their power. That is why, from the very beginning, it was the political and ecclesiastical leaders who conspired to put Christ to death, who posted guards at the tomb, and who were the first ones to know that He had come back from the dead. They believed Christ's words about His coming resurrection where His own disciples did not.

It is so easy to get locked into a few specific aspects of the faith and totally miss or ignore others. Very often salvation is something that is talked of only in terms of the individual. Yet Scripture talks of salvation in terms of groups of people, like households, cities, and nations. Salvation comes not only to individuals, it comes to the collective -- the one and the many. Man is a social creature and as a social creature he is saved. We are saved not only as individuals, we are saved as a community -- the Church.

The Kangaroos Continue to Hop

Last night word came that the boys in the RPNA (GM) "court" have spared no labor in excommunicating five more people for daring to question them. In their usual fashion, they have chosen to emphasize form and structure over substance and content. This benefits them greatly as it allows them to avoid all difficult questions and the accountability that come with it. I think it is quite telling that they are showing a decided reluctance to put anything down in writing when dealing with some of these brethren. After all, if you only say it and it isn't recorded anywhere, it is easy to say that someone has lied or misrepresented you and then it is their word against yours. However, if you have to commit your words to paper, well, your words can then be passed around and inspected, and maybe even come back to bite you.

This brings the total of people excommunicated in the last few months to 30. When you count the children in these homes, the number is closer to 90 something. We can congratulate the "court" on their efficiency in dealing so summarily with so many in so short a time!

Tee Hee...

I am now an official member of the "Cute Nose Club." Last week I went to a shop and got my nose pierced and a small shiny clear stone stud put in. When my nose has finished healing, my plan is to get myself a small sparkly little diamond as a replacement. Strategically placed glitz does a lot to lift a girl's spirits.

Kiss That Girl

Sung by Sheryl Crow

I woke up this mornin' with my makeup on

I've been fakin' it lately, but those days are gone

You look at me and wonder why

I got to cut these strings and learn to fly

But the girl is only in your mind

She's leavin' everything behind

She's not the girl that's gonna make it right

So you can kiss that girl goodbye

We're so glad you made it in this dead end town

Everybody's waiting for you to come down

You're gonna wake up from your dream

You're gonna find someone who looks like me

But the girl is only in your mind

She's leavin' everything behind

She's not the girl that's gonna make it right

So you can kiss that girl goodbye

You could look forever for someone like me

She's just a memory

So you can kiss the girl goodbye

Kiss that girl goodbye

So you can kiss the girl goodbye

So you can kiss this girl goodbye

PURE calls for New Pastors and Elders
from Reformation 21 Website
(with thanks to Joyce)


PURE Seeks the Rt. Rev. Sanc
Posted October 24, 2006

We would like to invite Rt. Rev. Sanc T. Monious to be our ruling elder. We had posted an advertisement and were hoping for a South African ruling elder, but the Rt. Rev. seems just the kind of man that is called for really, and no one from South Africa has actually come forward (though several have not).

I ought to say that in the past months the church has split, holding rival services across the living room in which they were meeting (in fact one of the members has threatened to burn the apostate’s podium but that would leave her without one also- of course she doesn’t speak in her own assembly: she just stands there) but they are hoping that a ruling elder can reunite the body.

Wanted: Ruling ElderTo head new micro-denomination.

Denomination consists of two members in good standing in Mexico City, Mexico.
Ruling Elder must subscribe to the Westminster Confession, and the original charter of the Massachusetts Bay Colony.

Preferably residing in South Africa, so that the denomination might be international, encompassing both oceans and extending over the whole face of the earth.
At present this little band of believers is the purest church in the world. Seeking an Elder to consolidate unity within the denomination, lead it forth as the flagship of the reformation, to administer the sacraments, and enforce church discipline.

(One of the members is involved in the open sin of thinking in her heart that perhaps the church’s policy on catabaptism is at odds with its firm belief in the nature of the pope as anti-Christ, in violation of the Westminster Confession -as well as the charter of the Massachusetts Bay Colony- and stands in possible need of excommunication. Though without an elder she is equally unable to communicate. This member has appealed to the general assembly, pending such a time as it exists.)

The name of the new denomination is the PURE — Presbyterian Uber-Reformed Evangelicals. We find that Scripture is insufficient without the original charter of the Massachusetts Bay Colony, to determine the nature of the true church and are, so far as we know, the only church in existence complying with that charter. The plight of man is serious indeed but God has not left himself without a remnant: two are better than one, and a threefold cord is not easily broken. God’s Kingdom is advancing on the enemy.

Join the two of us or get out of the way.

Excommunication Revisited

A few months ago I posted a copy of the ungodly and unscriptural oath that was administered to me by the so-called church court of the RPNA (GM) (whatever that is). Then I posted the notice of excommunication this "court" issued upon my refusal to sign the oath. I subsequently took it all down on the requests of some of the brethren who were still seeking to charitably work through the issues with the elders in question. However, it has become increasingly evident that the elders in question have hardened themselves in their position and are determined to go down with the ship, even if it means excommunicating everyone except for those who are related to them or are their most ardent loyalists. These elders seem to be developing mass excommunication into a fine art. The first group of people had ten members in it. The latest group contained fifteen, some of which had slipped their collective minds for a number of months and even over a year. But hey ho, nothing like the New Year for making a clean sweep. More are expected soon.

I have not only reposted the original comments, oath, and notice of excommunication, but I have added in the public protest that the Prince George society composed in response to the oath in question.

Why am I putting all of this out here? This is to warn anyone who may be considering joining with the RPNA (GM) of what you could be in for if you join hands with them unless God grants them grace to repent.

Here is my original post, which I had put up on November 5, 2006:

BOING! BOING! BOING! [sound of kangaroos hard at work]


I am going to commemorate 2006 as the year in which I was liberated from domestic and ecclesiastical tyranny.

I'm not going to comment much on the former at this time, but for your edification (or not) I will post information concerning the latter below.

First of all, I have considered myself a Presbyterian Covenanter for the past oh, 10 or so years. Lately, things in our societies have taken a nasty turn. They say that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely, and my latest experience hasn't done anything to disprove that. A few years ago we had a presbytery. It was dissolved when there was disagreement over the issue of birth control. Some of the elders believe that potential procreation trumps all other purposes, responsibilities and duties of marriage, even if the life/health of the wife is in danger. One of them felt it did not. So, on the basis of something that has never been established in a lawful General Assembly, a prohibition against birth control in all circumstances was made an implicit term of communion and those who disagreed were tossed out. Promises were made concerning a position paper on birth control, but to date, no paper has been forthcoming.

When presbytery dissolved, we were left in limbo. We had clear expressions from the remaining elders of not having an organized session, but now we find out a few years later that it should have been obvious to all of us that saying that we didn't have an organized session clearly means we have an extraordinarily organized session with all the powers of a General Assembly over the entire universe.

Those of us who have had questions about the structure of church gov't that we had and some of the things being done in its name have been drummed out of the societies by these popish presbyterians.

I'm not going to bore you all with all the tedious details, but after more than two years of going back and forth with the elders trying to have some questions answered, we find ourselves on the outside looking in, and with no higher court of appeal.

So here you go, for your information, you have before you the oath that they required me to swear followed by their declaration of my excommunication. Please note that I have been charged with an unknown sin by an unknown person. Matthew 18 procedures have not been followed. By that I mean, that this is the first time I learned that I had offended someone, and they have not come to me privately to get it cleared up. Nor did they bring two or three witnesses. Instead they passed Go and collected $200. Nice, eh?


October 4, 2006
Dear Cheryl,

Please confirm receipt of this document immediately by email to the Members ofSession: Pastor Greg Price, Elder Greg Barrow, and Elder Lyndon Dohms.

The Session of the RPNA (GM) has received, reviewed, and accepted formal charges of sin that have been filed with this Court and in which charges you are formally named as a defendant. Please understand that this does not mean that the case has already been tried.However, we do find the charges to be in order. As is true with any case brought beforethe Court, this is a very serious matter that could potentially affect the status of yourcurrent membership in the RPNA (GM). Therefore, please carefully and prayerfullyconsider the following requirements that this lawful Court of Jesus Christ now imposes upon you (as defendant) and upon the plaintiff by lawful authority and out of love for Christ and His Church.

Preparatory to adjudicating the charges filed against you, the Court requires that a formaloath be taken by both plaintiff and defendant in which you both, in accord with yourmembership obligations, bear formal testimony in the name of Jesus Christ that you:

1. Have no known disagreement with the Terms of Communion of the RPNA (GM),and,

2. Formally own the Session of the RPNA (GM) as a lawful and faithful Court ofChrist.

This is necessary, in the judgment of the Court, to ensure that all parties involved in this formal dispute (both the one making the charges and the one being charged) assure theCourt of their continued commitment to adhere to the obligations agreed upon at the time of their membership.

The reasons for the Court making this oath mandatory are as follows:

1. Those doctrinal errors or practical scandals that require the Session of the RPNA(GM), as an authoritative Church Court, to refuse a person admission into themembership of the RPNA (GM), also, in consistency, require it to remove one who isalready a member barring repentance.

Thus, if a person should come seeking membership in the RPNA (GM) and should not positively testify to the Court that he/she has no known disagreement with the Terms ofCommunion of the RPNA (GM), and that he/she positively “owns” this Court as a lawful and faithful Court of Jesus Christ, that one would “not” be admitted into membership. If this candidate for membership should say, “I don’t know (or I am not sure) if you are a lawful and faithful Court of Christ,” that person would be positively excluded from admission into membership within the RPNA (GM).Likewise, if a person who is already a Member of the RPNA (GM)—having already affirmed in his/her membership agreement and by his/her continued membership in theRPNA (GM) that he/she has no known disagreement with the Terms of Communion ofthe RPNA (GM) and owns the Session of the RPNA (GM) as a Church Court that is both lawful and faithful—fails, when called upon to do so by a lawful authority, to positively continue to testify of these things, that one, also, would be excluded (i.e. removed) from membership within the RPNA (GM) barring repentance.

2. Failure to take a lawful oath, when imposed by lawful authority, in matters of great
importance, is scandalous and against God’s law.

Westminster Confession of Faith Chapter 22:2,3 states,

“Yet as, in matters of weight and moment, an oath is warranted by the word of God under the New Testament, as well as under the Old; so a lawful oath, being imposed by
lawful authority, in such matters, ought to be taken” (1 Kings 8:31; Ezra 10:5; Nehemiah13:25).“Yet it is a sin to refuse an oath touching any thing that is good and just, being imposedby lawful authority” (Exodus 22:7-11; Numbers 5:19-21; Nehemiah 5:12).

Thus, failure to take the oath below would, in the judgment of this Court, be a dishonor to God, a scandal to the Church, a violation of your own membership agreement, and a disobedience to and dishonoring of the lawful ordinance of ecclesiastical authority given to the Session of the RPNA (GM) as a Court of Christ. Therefore, all who refuse such an oath (unless of course the oath is demonstrably unlawful) may and ought to be disciplined according to the rule of Christ set down in the Word of God in Matthew 18:17-20.

This oath is not optional, and failure to sign this oath and return it to the Clerk of Session within the stipulated time frame will result in the enactment of Church discipline, and barring repentance, will result in formal and public termination of your membership inthe RPNA (GM). Here then is the oath that the Court now imposes upon you (as defendant) by the lawful authority given to the Session of the RPNA (GM) from Christ who is Savior and Head of the Church:

I, Cheryl Grenon, freely and voluntarily, according to my own conscience and not being induced or compelled by any unlawful external means, by the grace of God and in the name of Jesus Christ, sincerely, in the plain and common sense of these terms, without equivocation or mental reservation, formally testify that I, Cheryl Grenon, in no way knowingly disagree with any of the five Terms of Membership of the RPNA (GM), or any of the six Terms of Communion of the RPNA (GM) inclusive of its published position papers (namely, “A Brief Defence Of Dissociation In The Present Circumstances”, “A Brief Testimony Against The Practice Of Occasional Hearing”, “The Common Cup:Evaluated From A Biblical, Historical, And Medical Perspective”, “The Practice Of Headcoverings In Public Worship”, “A Reformation Discussion Of ExtraordinaryPredictive Prophecy Subsequent To The Closing Of The Canon Of Scripture”,“Reformed Presbytery In North America Deed Of Constitution”, and “Position Paper And Response To Questions Circulated About Sessional Authority Within The RPNA(General Meeting)”), and I formally testify that I own the authority of the Session of theRPNA (GM) in both its extraordinary form and jurisdiction, which is presently comprised of Pastor Greg Price, Ruling Elder Greg Barrow, and Ruling Elder Lyndon Dohms, as that Presbyterian Church Court, which is both lawful and faithful to the true Covenanted testimony of Jesus Christ and is agreeable to the Scripture and to all of the SubordinateDocuments of the RPNA (GM). I further testify, in the name of Christ, that I do and will willingly submit to the Session of the RPNA (GM) (in so far as they conform to the Word of God), and that I will endeavor to conduct myself in this upcoming Court proceeding truthfully, honestly and charitably.

Signed,_________________________________________________________
Cheryl Grenon

This signed oath must be returned to the Clerk of the Court, Elder Lyndon Dohms in paper copy [address deleted] by 12 AM,Wednesday, October 18, 2006.

Dear Member, the Court appeals to you not only from the authority of Christ, but also from the love of Christ to fulfill this duty incumbent upon you as a Member of the RPNA(GM).

Please confirm receipt of this document immediately by email to the Members of Session: Pastor Greg Price, Elder Greg Barrow, and Elder Lyndon Dohms.

Respectfully submitted in the fear of God and in the love of Christ,

The Session of the RPNA (GM)Pastor Greg PriceElder Greg BarrowElder Lyndon Dohms

PLEASE NOTE THAT I REFUSED TO SIGN SUCH AN ENTRAPPING AND UNGODLY OATH IN WHAT IS A PATENTLY UNJUST AND INEQUITABLE PROCEEDING

Upon being issued this oath, the Prince George Society responded with the following protest:


October 18, 2006
Dear covenanted brethren,

Greetings in the name of our precious Savior. We cherish your fellowship and pray this letter finds you in the joy of the Lord.

In writing you today, it is our sincere and abiding desire to see true Presbyterian government among us,according to Scripture and according to those Subordinate Standards received and acknowledged in covenanted Historical Testimony. Our purpose now is to openly object to a recent effort to divide us and separate us from fellowship with you. This again deferred our hope of over two years to have counsel from Pastor Greg Price, Elder Greg Barrow and Elder Lyndon Dohms on a variety of concerns, as providence and duty permitted.

Oath Demanded
On October 4, 2006, all our society members were served with demand for an ‘Oath’ (copy below), as a preliminary step to adjudicate unnamed charges brought by an unnamed Plaintiff. As we reflected on this latest step, we realized a line had been crossed demonstrating an obstinacy we could no longer allow to pass over in silence. The result is this public protest and complaint (Eccl 12:14; Lu 12:2).

Background
In July 2004, many brethren gathered in Prince George to celebrate the marriage of _______and ________; that same day, _______was born. In a face-to-face conversation between Pastor Price, Elder Barrow and a 3-member committee of ours in the early hours of Friday, July 2, we related our concern for improved society communication, and shared our plan to distribute a letter that weekend. The purpose of that letter was to ask them and all the brethren to consider what might be of use to us in a historically proven subordinate standard for the promotion of better communication. This was also the first time our society heard Greg Price and Greg Barrow refer to ‘the Session’.


As a courtesy, we shared a draft of our letter with Pastor Price and Elder Barrow (Elder Dohms was notyet in Prince George). Rather than give it out to brethren that Saturday, we were asked to wait 7 daysbefore mailing our letter to the brethren, which would afford them and Elder Dohms a thorough preview.

We agreed to the 7-day window, which would also give us time to review their ‘Session’ claim.
The next day however, Saturday July 3, ‘withdrawal’ of the undistributed draft was made conditional toour being admitted to the Lord’s Table. They refused to speak with us as a society on our commonconcern, insisting they be taken up as individual households. Ultimately, that 7-day window stretched intoan exercise of over two years, of which those July proceedings were but a preview. This was the context of our attempted dialogue with the Elders, during which we honored them with the confidentiality they requested of us, but which they unapologetically did not return in kind.

In the weeks following, we discreetly polled brethren to assess common perception on the ‘is there a Session?’ question, and found we were not alone in our confusion that summer of 2004. We submitted a ‘revised’ draft to each Elder on September 24. As an example of the need for greater communication, it referred to our surprise on the ‘Session’ question back in July. October 7, they put eight questions to us. According to the written record, October 31, 2004 marks their first public reference to themselves by the judicial term ‘Session of the RPNA (General Meeting)’. This was found in the signature of a widely circulated email.


In the course of two years we have been questioned about our motives (Jul./04; Oct./04), told we had separated (July 2005), and that we were causing division among the brethren by not deferring areas of private duty and liberty to them (2006). We have suffered misrepresentation, innuendo, and injury. With many tears and crying out to God, we have guarded our hearts against resentment or bitterness and maintained our desire to see the whole covenanted remnant strengthened. However, any hope we had for meaningful direct dialogue with the Elders effectively came to an end this last October 4, 2006.


The essential problem is that when they served us with this oath, they did so with knowledge of
concerns we had put before each Elder, in escalating degrees no less than six times since July 2004. Their demand, which might be an otherwise lawful and appropriate one, ought not to have been requested or demanded of us until they had taken all reasonable measures to instruct us directly on the relevant questions and outstanding issues. On July 16, 2005, they did comment on our concerns when Greg Barrow emailed rpna_pg@telus.net (cc: Greg Price and Lyndon Dohms):

“We share your concern and agree that the questions you are raising, along with their
attendant implications, warrant our more immediate attention. At the same time we
believe that because your response is questioning the very existence and lawfulness of
our extraordinary Session (and by implication the lawfulness of every member of the
RPNA who presently receives our oversight as faithful), these matters also deserve
careful clarification of your position, further discussion among ourselves, and finally a
carefully written full response to your concerns. This will take time.” (Para. 3b)


From their own words they have demonstrated they understood our concerns had significant implications. Our concerns were also relevant in pre-communion interviews days later in Edmonton, AB, confirming their awareness. Therefore, ignorance cannot be a valid factor in their choice of demand format, which lacks any acknowledgement of our concerns let alone attempt at accommodation.

The demand has five main elements. While all may be cause for concern at different levels, one is completely opposed to any interest in justice. Our hope for justice did not break at:

(1) Their calling themselves a constituted court (nor at the lack of: date of calling and constitution, documented measures to secure informed consent, commencing a confused agenda).

(2) The adopting of practices and doctrinal positions without the beauty of a meaningful, Presbyterian overture.

(3) The requiring us to swear this oath without stating the formal charge and Plaintiff which advantages all other parties have (which appears as potential entrapment contrary to ecclesiastical jurisprudence on ‘informed’ consent).

(4) The right of lawful authorities to impose lawful oaths on those under their jurisdiction (not contested by any among us).

Those four elements might have been considered privately on another day as providence and duty permitted (Deut. 29:29). However, when considered against the two year record, our hope for justice broke upon number five, seeing it as fundamentally problematic to a reasonable hope in their actions:

(5) Putting words in our mouths and by them, constructing commitments we never made
(We have underlined some relevant portions in the oath document itself following our letter)
In choosing to frame the oath as they did, with the knowledge they had, they effectively chose to position us as no members at all of the covenanted community and therefore our unanswered questions will never have to be fully answered. To take the oath would have us own the PPSA, which they claim answers the Session question for us. We are put in a lose/lose situation. Such design stumbles all concerned from fulfilling lawful covenantal vows in good conscience (Solemn League & Covenant, Articles I & II), and is best designed to provoke wrath (Col. 3:21).

Therefore, may God have mercy upon us all as we make known this measure to position us ‘outside the camp’ from covenanted brethren in Christ. This policy of exclusion and “self-preservation” can only be seen as gross incompetence at best, maliciously bearing false witness at worst (LCat. Q.144, Q.145); demonstrating their ‘gift for government’ (1 Cor. 12:28), the facts sustain massive injury in either case. While not a commentary on their personal virtues, which are many, it is an example of governance they claim to fulfill as a judicial court. We might
pass over this out of a misguided desire to ‘live peaceably with all men’ (Rom. 12:18) at all costs, but for the fact it appears the very kind of historical revisionism, linguistic gamesmanship, and tyranny (whether in gross incompetence or willful pride) that the godly have contended against in all ages.


In our documented context, this oath must be seen for what it is: an unlawful imposition contrary to justice, peace and the Presbyterian way. Nevertheless, we have been asked to voluntarily, plainly and firmly testify some things “without equivocation or mental reservation.”

In this context, contrary to the words and commitments imputed to us by Greg Price, Greg Barrow, and Lyndon Dohms October 4, 2006, we publicly testify that:

1. On July 2, 2004, our society committee asked Greg Price and Greg Barrow in person for details corroborating their claim to be members of “a lawful and faithful Court of Christ.”

2. From July 2 until we submitted a revised draft September 24, 2004, we had received no
corroborating details to support the proposition they claimed. We did not and have not denied the proposition, but to this day our concerns remain unanswered, and thus we were not then and are not now in a position to conscientiously own something called, “the Session of the RPNA (GM)”.

3. None of our Prince George society members requested admittance into anything called, “the
RPNA (GM)” which professed body is not now observed existing in the “plain and common
sense” of the words, as established in published covenanted history and Presbyterian polity.

4. Our Society has stated relevant concerns in escalating degrees to each Elder on no less than sixoccasions for over two years since July 2004.

And therefore,
5. In light of our multiple unanswered questions of over two years, to construct our patience and
longstanding commitment to Reformed Presbyterianism (12 years) and the covenanted way (10
years) as tacit consent, and as our having ‘continuing’ “membership commitments” as they frame them, does such injury to the record that we cannot endure further such abuses in silence or patience, lest we sin against our own consciences crying out for peace, charity and reformationbeyond mere words (1 Cor. 13:1). and,

6. We do own approved subordinate standards in the “plain and common sense” of the terms,
however it does not follow that our commitments contemplated the recent public vindication titled ‘Sessional Authority’ of June 4, 2006. We do not own arbitrary claims as settled and binding judicial positions on the whole world without such claims firmly established out of approved argument and example in our covenanted historical testimony, lest in one blow we countenance both independency and prelacy. With the Apostles, we have guarded our consciences from dishonesty (Acts 24:16; 2 Cor. 4:2) and labored to walk faithfully before one Lord (Acts 4:19).

An aggravating problem is that the Elders alleged on August 25, 2006 that some offence exists between our entire society, and one or all of them, on some matter out of our July 23, 2006 email. To date they have refused to identify the matter, let alone substantiate the claim. This does not support their receiving of, let alone hearing of, a case against us, before resolving that fundamental issue which compromises any assurance for justice and equity. Our record of inquiry and entreaty goes back to July 2, 2004; even if they asserted the unspecified ‘charge’ and unnamed ‘Plaintiff’ had a claim preceding our record of inquiry, the conflict of interest is flagrant. Surely it is to put the cart before the horse; surely the resolving
of one must precede the other?


An underlying concern is the reluctance on their part (October 2004; August 25, 2006) to clarify their understanding of confidentiality in our dialogue attempts to date. Is this because the topic of confidentiality is another concept so complex it is beyond the understanding of the average person? We must wonder if the confusion is not so much in the topics as in those claiming such wisdom (Prov. 27:2).

Our concerns may be better highlighted in the Reformation question: “Does the Church exist for the edification of the government, or the government for the edification of the Church?” At this time, we are convinced by Scripture and Historical Testimony that the form of proceedings taken here is NOT proven as Presbyterian by any convention of charity or heavenly wisdom.

In Closing
[Irrelevant portion edited out concerning our records of correspondance.]

We do hope to see all the Societies established in humble, proper Presbyterian governance in the bond of unity, together serving the Kingdom of Jesus Christ here on earth in keeping our covenantal vows. It is said that words expressing ‘love’ for one another are nothing without humility, repentance, and Truth in action. The Savior also demanded profession before men (Matt. 10:32, 33); may we not be found as Peter on that sad day when the cock did crow (Luke 22:60-62). May we all ’play the man’ (2 Sam. 10:12), not in carnal defense of reputation or party as for Paul or Apollos (1 Cor. 3:4-6), but for Christ alone.

Our hopes and prayers for you all continue, as we beseech the Father for Minister, Elders and His flock.

Society of Prince George
October 18, 2006
Prince George Society members
[names deleted]

The refusal to take the oath earned me the following:

Announcement from the Session of the RPNA (General Meeting)November 4, 2006

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

It is our sad but necessary ministerial duty to announce publicly to those under our oversight, that Mrs. Cheryl Grenon of Prince George, British Columbia, Canada, has refused to swear a lawful Oath imposed upon her (October 4, 2006) by this lawful Church Court reaffirming her membership agreement (before being served with charges of sin [filed in good order and received by the Court] by a member of the RPNA—GM), and in so doing has sinfully excommunicated herself from membership and has shown public contempt for Christ and His Ordinance of a lawful Church Court. Not only did the Session give in the Letter of October 4, 2006 (that accompanied the Oath) scriptural citations, confessional support and reasonable arguments consistent with her membership agreement, but also sent the public Letter of October 28, 2006 (and a corrected version October 29, 2006) responding to various objections offered by members in Prince George (and others) to taking the Oath. The Session did in that Letter prove (by way of reference to its Position Paper on Sessional Authority June 4, 2006),accuse of sin, rebuke in brotherly love, and command in the fear of God, Cheryl Grenon to repent of her sin, but she has not stated to the Session either her repentance or her intention to repent. Although Cheryl has not explicitly written to terminate her membership with the RPNA (GM), she has done so implicitly by publicly, actively, and voluntarily refusing to take a lawful Oath that reaffirms her submission to the Session as a lawful Court and her acknowledgement that she has no known disagreement with the Terms of Communion of this Church.

Thus, Cheryl Grenon has sinned against Christ and His Ordinance of Church Government within this lawful Church Court by refusing to sign a lawful Oath and showing public contempt for such a Court.

“Now Korah, the son of Izhar, the son of Kohath, the son of Levi, and Dathan and Abiram, the sons of Eliab, and On, the son of Peleth, sons of Reuben, took men: And they rose up before Moses, with certain of the children of Israel, two hundred and fifty princes of the assembly, famous in the congregation, men of renown: And they gathered themselves together against Moses and against Aaron, and said unto them, Ye take too much upon you, seeing all the congregation are holy, everyone of them, and the LORD is among them: wherefore then lift ye up yourselves above the congregation of the LORD?” (Numbers 16:1-3)

“Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” (Matthew 18:18-20)

“And as they went through the cities, they delivered them the decrees for to keep, that were ordainedof the apostles and elders which were at Jerusalem.” (Acts 16:4)

“Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.” (Hebrews 13:17)

Cheryl Grenon’s public, active, and voluntary refusal to reaffirm her submission to our lawful Church Court, and her membership within a faithful Church of Christ is, in our judgment, a sinful division and schism within the body of Christ (Romans 16:17), and without scriptural warrant.

With much grief and sorrow, for the purpose of informing those under our oversight, we declare that the membership status of Mrs. Cheryl Grenon has now formally changed, and we publicly declare her to be placed upon our List of Deserters, and judicially declare in the name of Jesus Christ that she is now in a position of being formally excommunicated from the Visible Church. We do so in hope praying that God may by this action deliver her unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, THAT THE SPIRIT MAY BE SAVED IN THE DAY OFTHE LORD JESUS (1 Corinthians 5:5). We take not this step because we hate Cheryl, butbecause we love her and earnestly desire her repentance and reconciliation.

We remind the congregation that our duty toward Cheryl is to constantly and humbly pray forher reconciliation in the truth, and that each of us ought to be mindful and careful of our respective duties in regard to having familiar fellowship with those who are excommunicated from the Church. We would call to the attention of all who are under our inspection that to practice familiar fellowship with those who are excommunicated is likewise a sin that is censurable and contrary to the Word of God (1 Corinthians 5:11-13) and to our Terms of Communion (_The First Book of Discipline_, “The Seventh Head--Of EcclesiasticalDiscipline”).

Finally, we would remind you that, as members of the RPNA (General Meeting), each time you become informed of, or witness, a judicial action enacted by this court, you have a scriptural duty either to consent to that judicial action (either expressly or tacitly) as that done faithfully by a lawful court of Christ, or to dissent with arguments agreeable to Scripture and good reason (expressly and formally in writing) should you deem this action to be unfaithfully done. Please note, that your consent need not be formally expressed, as we take silence in this matter to be your tacit consent and approval of both the lawfulness of our Court and the faithfulness of the judicial action being enacted. If you disagree with what we have done as a Court, or for some reason believe that we are not lawfully constituted as a Court of Christ to perform such an act of jurisdiction, then it is your duty, according to God’s Word and your membership agreement, to immediately, formally, and honestly express your dissent, reasons and/or questions in writing to the Session.

For Christ's Crown and Covenant,

The Session of the RPNA (General Meeting)
Pastor Greg Price Ruling Elder
Lyndon DohmsRuling
Elder Greg Barrow

My concluding remarks: I would hope that those who have read this would not think that this is classic presbyterianism at work. Nor do I think that this is representative of what Covenanted presbyterianism is all about. To be truthful, I am no longer sure what covenanted presbyterianism looks like because I suspect, given the perceived deviations that I see from the standards, that what was dished out is nothing like the real McCoy. (Please note that I am exercising a great deal of restraint and would really like to say some other more forthright things. But I will spare my readers' blushes.)

I have something going in my favor -- I am not the only one who was kicked out. My entire society was on the chopping block and met the same fate. Misery loves company, but I can truthfully say that I am far from miserable and actually delighted to be set free from this whole mess. My next task is figuring out what to do next...

Rules for Life...

"Rule for Life Number One: You marry at the level of your own psychological health.

Strive though you will to find someone who possesses the strengths you lack, you will ultimately wind up with a man who's approximately your double. What are you missing? Most women bounce from crib to school to college (if they're lucky) to a quasi-career, then into a connubial bed, without first defining who they are. Their totality depends on getting a husband...

"Dr. Albert Ellis, in Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy, lists twelve important self-defeating beliefs that preven tus from defining ourselves clearly and becoming adults. Among these, the following are critical:

• It is terrible when things are different from what I would like them to be.
• My suffering is caused by others and events beyond my control.
• It is easier for me to avoid than to face up to difficulties and responsibilities in my life.
• I can become happy without taking action on my own behalf.
• I have little control over how I feel.

"These five beliefs all share a common basis: "I have little or no command over my life and must or should adhere to others' notions of who I am and how I should live my life." But responsibilities and difficulties do not disappear through denial or evasion. Happiness is not dispensed to you. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make me feel inferior without my consent.""

From Men are Just Desserts by Sonya Friedman

There is a River

by Jars of Clay

There is a river that washes you clean

There is a tree that marks the places you've been

Blood that was spilled, though not your own

For all of your tears are the wages for things you've done

And all of those nights

Spent in the darkness of your mind

Give it up, let it go

These are things you were never meant to shoulder

There is a river that washes you clean

There is a tree that marks the places you've been

Blood that was spilled although not your own

For all of those tears, love will atone

So give up the right

To control the waves that empty out your life

Above wild skies

Are the rays that break the shadows we design

Give it up, let go

These are things you were never meant to shoulder

Give it up, let go.

There is a river that washes you clean

There is a tree that marks the places you've been

Blood that was spilled, though not your own

For all of these things, love will atone

I know the world can turn in different ways

Most of the time we're simply hanging on

And under the signs of how we all behave

We might find the place that we belong

For all of those nights that you cried all alone

All of your tears, love will atone.

Crazy Times

by Jars of Clay

You're cold that way

And that's why you say

The things that you say

You can't attract The things that you lack

You're trying in vain

Chorus:

It seems it's always the crazy times

You find you'll wake up and realize

It takes more than your saline eyes

To make things right

You spiral down

You've broken your crown

You don't feel like a [king]

You've seen the proof

But you're still crying wolf

You'll never believe

[Chorus]

You try to climb a broken ladder

Grip the missing rungs

And fall down, down, down

Seems sometime ago you said

This wouldn't last

And now you sit here crying

Beside your bed

You feel left for dead

You kneel in the dark...

It takes more than your saline eyes

To make things right

Work

by Jars of Clay

Just in case, I will leave my things packed
So I can run away
I cannot trust these voices
I don't have a line of prospects that can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to that can bring me sweet release
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone."

Empty spaces with shadows lit by streetlights
The warning signs and weight of tired conversations
In the absence of a shoulder, in the abscess of a thief
On the brink of this destruction, on the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets and I'm living out
Every word they speak, every word they speak

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"

I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work

Hollow Women

"If you feel you need a man to assure you that life is meaningful, stop now. It's time to reassess your skills, your personality, your self-esteem. The truth is, the more you are, the less you need.The more you are, the more you possess yourself without getting caught up with pleasing others and the more you can understand that no one's going to make you happy or complete, but yourself. The more you are the more you will realize that a man can detract from or enhance your happiness, but he can never be responsible for answering all your needs. The more you are, the more you see that he is not the main course, -- you are."

excerpted from Men Are Just Desserts: How Learning to Be a Woman with a Life of Your Own Can Enrich the Life You Share with a Man by Sonya Friedman

I may have more to say on this topic in coming days.

Fade To Grey
by Jars of Clay


It's not hard to know what you're thinking
When you look down on me now
Your trance of love is seeking
To turn this world around
But in my state of blind confusion
No God can pull me out
I see your love is willing
To turn me inside out

And then I see you there
The lonely tears I cry
I wish they'd release me

It's in despair that I find faith
Summon the night to bow down to day
When ignorance is bliss
Save me from myself

Chorus:
And then I see You there
With Your arms open wide and
You try to embrace me
These lonely tears I cry
They keep me in chains and
I wish they'd release me
Cold is the night but
Colder still is the heart made of stone, turned from clay
And if you follow me
You'll see all the black, all the white fade to grey

Fade to grey

This One's for Wrose...

"Numb"
by David Usher

Hey, have you fallen off the shelf?
Can I help you get yourself, back together?
I'm so tired, can I help you save yourself?

Have your friends all changed?
All the people that you thought would be around,
As your light goes grey,
Are you losing all the hope you thought you'd found,
I think we're numb [x3]

Hey, have you found somebody new?
Have you found yourself unglued, for the first time in your life?
Can I help you save yourself?

Have your friends all changed?
All the people that you thought would be around,
As your life goes grey,
Are you losing all the hope you thought we'd found,
I think we're numb [x6]

And tell me do you feel like dying?
Tell me does it hurt just waking?
Tell me have you lost the reasons you ever wanted to fight?
Has it left you lonely?
Tell me do you pray for morning?
Tell me does it hurt just waking?
Tell me have you lost the reasons you ever wanted to fight?
And you know it's all impossible.

And nothing feels the same,
Life is full now,
Every morning when the light comes in,
Everybody sings the same song tonight,
Better fly away, yeah

Have your friends all changed?
All the people that you thought would be around,
As your light goes grey,
Are you losing all the hope you thought you'd found,
I think we're numb. [x9]

Parable
by Douglas Wilson


Once there was a young man who worked for a retail store that was owned by a fellow Christian, and his job was that of a cashier. Although he was tender-hearted, he was also undisciplined and weak-willed, and when he was running short on funds one month, he "borrowed" from the till one day with every intention of paying it back. Of course, his lack of discipline made that impossible, despite his intention, and he was not able to do it.

Some time went by, but one day as his boss was going through the books, the discrepancy was discovered. His boss confronted him, he confessed, and his boss, not surprisingly, fired him. The young man was in agony over this for some days, but after about a week, he borrowed from his parents the amount he had taken, came back to his former boss, gave him the money back, and sought his forgiveness for what he had done.

His boss said that he did forgive him, completely. The air cleared, they had quite a good conversation. At the end of the conversation, the young man asked, quite casually, if he could have his job back. Much to his surprise, his boss shook his head no.

"What do you mean?" the young man asked, before he really had a chance to think. "I thought you forgave me!"

"Well, I did," his boss said. "I am more than willing to come to the Lord’s Supper together with you" (the two attended the same church). "I have not needed to tell the police about what you have done at all."

"But I thought forgiveness meant putting everything back just the way it was before."

"Well, no," his boss said. "It means putting some things back. Like fellowship. But qualifications for fellowship are not the same thing as qualifications for office. Simple forgiveness is all that is necessary for the former. But qualifications for holding office are higher. And if you don’t meet them, and I see that you don’t, it doesn’t mean that I have not forgiven you."

The young man shook his head, confused. "I thought . . ." he began.

His former boss interrupted him. "I have forgiven you," he said, "completely. Nothing stands between us. You have sought forgiveness, and I owe you that forgiveness. But I don’t owe you a job."

Stuck in a Moment
Lyrics by U2

I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I will not forsake
The colors that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing
I am still enchanted
By the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears
Through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now
My, oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

Why So Many Lyrics?


Regular readers of this blog will have noticed that since September that there hasn't been a lot of original posting happening here. Instead I have been putting up lyrics to various songs. There has been a lot happening in my life in the last few months -- stuff I would rather not comment on directly. Instead I put up lyrics that express what I am feeling/thinking at any given point in time. Sorry to be so oblique. Maybe some day I will be able to be more direct about it all. In the meantime, here is today's offering:

One Day At a Time
sung by Jeremy Camp on his Stay CD

One day at a time
I will walk this road I've traveled so far
One day at a time well I know I will carry on
One day at a time I can see you took my life this far
One day at a time I will take this faith along

All this hope I breathe is given by the hand that carries me
Until I'm complete and I'll take all I will
To understand this plan you have for me, for me
I've been shut up shut down held out held down
In ways I never knew I would

I can't feel your fullness in my life
Well iIve been burned out broken torn out torn down
In ways I never knew I would
I can't feel your fullness in my life

One day at a time
I will take these words you've given me
One day at a time
I will rest in knowing you
One day at a time
I will share this gift you've given me
One day at a time
I will walk these valleys through

All I know is that I see how much my heart
Is longing to be cradled by your side
And I'll give all I can to one day soon
Be held by your hand, by your hand

In all these things Iwill press on
I'll be with you I know it won't be long

"Mistakes Are the Privilege of the Active Person"

The above quote comes from an email from my friend, Margery K. The context of the email was yet another discussion on God's grace and its nature. I have been pondering the above, especially in connection with the life of King David and by way of comparison, with my own. Mistakes are not necessarily the same thing as sin, of course. But if you are at all an active person who is going out and doing things, chances are you will have a lot of mistakes and maybe even a lot of sins happening. But as Margery has also reminded me, "mistakes are God's little learning opportunities." I seem to be getting a lot of those lately.

I guess the reason I am pondering David's life is that he was no poster boy for a sanitized view of sainthood. He was a truly great man with some spectacular failures in his life and yet he remained a man of God. A mark of salvation is that no matter how often or how far you fall, you always rise up and persevere, though you may find yourself at Heaven's gate bloodied and beaten by life and the consequences of sin. And you will find yourself more than a conqueror.

This is a time of sifting for me. I don't know how long this sifting will last, but I have the distinct feeling that it won't be over soon. I feel a fragility of soul that I have never felt before. I sometimes think I could easily splinter into a thousand million pieces. At other times, I feel a strong core of something sustaining me that surprises me. Temptations to complete despair and hopelessness can sometimes consume me, and then the Lord sends someone or something along to show me that I am not completely forsaken and that He is keeping me and maybe even using me. Most days all I know is to put one foot in front of the other and just do the duty that is in front of me. Some days I know that I am sustained by the power of God and His love for me. On the days that I don't know that, or doubt it, He sustains me anyhow and covers my sinful doubts with His mercy.

One of the things I am noticing in the Scriptures are the contrasts that exist. Psalm 40: 12 talks about how our iniquities are more than the hairs of our heads causing the heart to fail because of the sheer magnitude of their number. But earlier in the Psalm we also read how God's mercies are more than can be numbered. Does sin abound? Grace more than abounds to cover it. There are numerous superlatives found in Scripture regarding the love and mercy of God. Ephesians tells us that God is rich in mercy, and there is an exceeding richness of grace; riches of grace, made to abound to us. God is no stingy miser when it comes to covering our sins. The bizarre thing about grace is that the more you see your need of it, and the more you receive it, the less you feel like doing the things that require your need of it in the first place. Or so I am finding. Sanctification is happening, I guess.

I don't have a graceful way of ending this post. Sorry.

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
lyrics by U2

I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you
But I still havent found what Im looking for
But I still havent found what Im looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven't found what Im looking for
But I still havent found what Im looking for

I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well yes Im still running

You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it

But I still havent found what Im looking for...

Five Candles
Lyrics by Jars of Clay

A promise or a dare
I would jump if I knew you'd catch me
Staring over the edge
I can't tell if you'll be here for me
I close my eyes and make a wish
Turn out the lights and take a breath
Pray that when the wick is burned
You would say that it's all about love

Chorus:
You were there when I needed you
You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open
You were there when I needed you
You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open
You were never here

I remember you said
Love was more than your good intentions
Empty boxes on the floor
Things I never asked you for
I pray that when the wick is burned
You would say that it's all about love

[Chorus]

I can't see the promise of
Excuses you fall upon
I pray to God not holding on
To things you've left undone

[Chorus x 2]
You were there when I
You were there when I
You were there when I needed you

Liquid
lyrics by Jars of Clay

Arms nailed down,
Are you tellin me something?
Eyes turned out, Are you looking for someone?

This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.

Blood-stained brow,
Are you dying for nothing?
Flesh and blood,
Is it so elemental?

This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.
This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.

Blood-stained brow,
He wasn't broken for nothing.
Arms nailed down,
He didn't die for nothing.

This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.
This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.
This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.
This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.

Sometimes when life is complicated and tangled, it helps to go back to the one thing you know.

Flood

Rain rain on my face
It hasn't stopped raining for days
My world is a flood
Slowly I become one with the mud

But if I can't swim after forty days
And my mind is crushed by the crashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me up Lift me up -
When I'm falling Lift me up -
I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again

Down pour on my soul
Splashing in the ocean
I'm losing control
Dark sky all around
I can't feel my feet touching the ground

But if I can't swim after forty days
And my mind is crushed by the crashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me up Lift me up - When I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again

Calm the storms that drench my eyes
And dry the streams still flowing
Casting down all the waves of sin
And guilt that overthrow me

If I can't swim after forty days
And my mind is crushed by the crashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall -
Lift me up

He

Lyrics from Jars of Clay

Don't try to reach me, I'm already dead
The pain when it grips me, for things that I've done
Well, I try to make you proud
But for crying out loud
Just give me a chance to hide away
Exhaustion takes over, will this someday be over?

Fearful tears are running down
The pain you've laid, don't speak a sound
Don't take my heart away from me
And they think I fell down, again

Daddy, don't you love me
Then why do you hit me
And Momma don't you love me
Then why do you hurt me
Well, I try to make you proud
But for crying out loud
Just give me a chance to hide away
Exhaustion takes over, will this someday be over?

Fearful tears are running down
The pain you've laid, don't speak a sound
Don't take my heart away from me
And they think I fell down

A teardrop falls from up in the heavens
Drowning the sorrow of angels in high
For the least of the helpless, the hopeless, the loveless
Your Jesus, His children, He holds in His eyes
He loves you, He sees you,
He knows you, Protects you,
He needs you, He holds you...


I am NOT referring to my parents in the above song. I was not a victim of child abuse and my parents are the best. This song is merely reflective of the effects of what I have been going through recently. Stuff is bubbling up from the bottom of my soul -- stuff that has been stuffed down and repressed for years.

Invisible To You

Sung by Mary Coughlin

from the CD Celtic Moods

Didn't see me, you didn't see me at all

Couldn't hear me, so you couldn't have heard me fall

And you never knew though I did everything I could do

'Cause I, I was invisible to you

Lost my shadow, crossed my shadow with yours

Passed a mirror, got no reflection there anymore

Since you walked right through, now I can't even seem to be blue

'Cause I, I was invisible to you

Oh I, I was invisible to you

Two in the morning

Staring at these pictures on my wall

It's funny how the pictures never call

And you never knew

Though I did everything I could do

'Cause I, I was invisible to you

Didn't see me, you didn't see me at all

Couldn't hear me, so you couldn't have heard me fall

And you never knew though I did everything I could do

'Cause I, I was invisible to you

Oh I, I was invisible to you...

"Learning To Breathe"

by Switchfoot

Hello, good morning, how you do?

What makes your rising sun so new?

I could use a fresh beginning too

All of my regrets are nothing new

So this is the way that I say I need You

This is the way that

I'mLearning to breathe

I'm learning to crawl

I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall

I'm living again, awake and alive

I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how you been?

Yesterday left my head kicked in

I never, never thought that

I would fall like that

Never knew that I could hurt this bad

So this is the way that I say I need You

This is the way that I say I love You

This is the way that I say I'm Yours

This is the way, this is the way

That I'm learning to breathe

I'm learning to crawl

I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall

I'm living again, awake and alive

I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

These abundant skies...

Like a Child
by Jars of Clay

Dear God,
Surround me as I speak,
The bridges that I walk across are weak
Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bare

Dear God,
Don't let me fall apart
You've held me close to you
I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand

They say that I can move the mountains
And send them falling to the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe
With Faith Like a Child

Sometimes,
When I feel miles away
And my eyes can't see your face
I wonder if I've grown to lose
The recklessness I walked in light of you

They say that I can move the mountains
And send them crashing to the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe
With Faith Like a Child

They say that love can heal the broken
They say that hope can make you see
They say that faith can find a Savior
If you would follow and believe
With Faith Like a Child

Your [Wo]Man

by SmashMouth (with apologies for some minor editing)

I don't know why I'm with you
The only right thing I do is get along with you
And days go bye-bye for you but they fly by for me
It's true
I talked to you late last night
You said it wasn't all right but it would be all right
And when you sleep by yourself
You're not alone I'm with you

But you weren't listening when I told you everything
That you need I ain't got
You should be gone by now but you're not

I play guitar all night long
And I know hundreds of songs and I'll just play them all
And even when I get home somehow you're still alone
It's true
I don't know why you're with me
The only reason I see some sort of fetish thing
Some people like to be pleased and
Some like to be teased
Which are you?

I tried to warn you but you said just play dead
As long as we stay
True

But you weren't listening when I told you everything
That you need I ain't got
You should be gone by now but you're not
But you're not

Did your head not receive the shape of everything
That you are and I am?
I should be happy as your [wo]man
You know that I'm not

I play guitar all night long
And I know hundreds of songs and I'll just play them all
And when you sleep by yourself
You're not alone I'm with you
As long as we stay true


--You weren't listening when I told you everything
That you need I ain't got
You should be gone by now but you're not

But you're not

Face to Face
by Josh White of Telecast

Minutes dissolve as I fight this fall
I'm learning to crawl, trembling I call
Restrain my heart, replace it with You
Jesus, I'll deny myself. I will follow You

There will be a day
When all will fade away
And all that will remain
Is loving you face to face
Jesus, I pray
That You would come today
Faith will be replaced
With loving You face to face

You are the Gate
Which I entered in
You are the Path
Which I'm following
You are the Light
That carries me through
You are the Guide
That's leading me back to You.

There will be a day
When all will fade away
And all that will remain
Is loving You face to face
Jesus, I pray
That you would come today
Faith will be replaced
With loving you face to face.

Saturate
By Josh White of Telecast

Dwelling on days gone by
All of this wasted time
Why do I want just to talk with You?

Burn away all the lies inside
Remind me where You reside, this time
I will remain in You

I won’t be satisfied
Until I’ve laid my eyes on You
I will abide in You
I won’t be satisfied Until You’re all that comes through
Until I’m saturated in You.

Feelings come and feelings go
Don’t care, just want to know
You more and more every moment

There are days that are dark, and I’m scared
Days I just fall apart, but You’re there
I will remain in You

And I will hold to You
In a world that’s so confused
Jesus, I love you
Saturate me with You.

Too Little, Too Late

How ironic. I wrote the words to this song that my son composed music for and I wrote it in response to what was happening in a friend's marriage. I never thought I would look back at it and see that it fit my life as well. All except for the bit about hate. I don't hate. I just feel indifferent.

The signs have been there
They’ve been there so long
The seeds you sowed so long ago
Have grown up too strong
The harvest now is bitter
As you reap what you have sown
Still waters run deep
And now you are alone

Your tears drop down your face like rain
As love slowly turns to hate
Repentance comes but now you fear
It’s too little, too late.

You thought the rules would bend for you
Well they bent until they broke
Neglect of duties and of joys
Made faith a perfect joke
Hypocrisy unseen by you
Made hearts as soft as stone
Still waters brought a deep divide
And now you are alone


Your children the unwilling victims
Of your "noble" sacrifice
To what you thought was the higher
And greater purpose of your life.
Seeds of missed opportunities
Were watered by their tears
And now you wish to go back in time
To uproot all the lost years.

Your tears drop down your face like rain
As love slowly turned to hate
Repentance comes but now you find
It’s too little, too late.

Waiting for the World to Fall
by Jars of Clay from the Chronicles of Narnia Soundtrack

I'm afraid it's been too long
to try to find the reasons why
I let my world close in around
a smaller patch of fading sky
But now I've grown beyond the walls
to where I've never been
And it's still winter in my wonderland

Chorus
I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone

I close my eyes and try to see
the world unbroken underneath
The farther off and already
it just might make the life I lead
A little more than make-believe
when all my skies are painted blue
And the clouds don't ever change
the shape of who I am to You

Chorus

I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone

When I catch the light of falling stars
my view is changing me
My view is changing me

I'm waiting

Much Afraid
by Jars of Clay

Empty again
Sunken down so far
So scared to fall
I might not get up again
So I lay at your feet
All my brokenness
I carry all of my burdens to you

All of these things I've held up in vain
No reason nor rhyme
Just the scars that remain
Of all of these things
I'm so much afraid
Scared out of my mind
By the demons I've made
Sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go
Oh, sweet Jesus, never ever let me go

Worlds Apart
by Jars of Clay

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind

To rid myself of all but love,
To give and die
To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
More deeply than the oceans,
More abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life
I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

And I pray,
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remains
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
The battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
And wash the feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak,
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
The sin and soaked heart and make it yours
Take my world all apart
Take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I used to love
Fall to dust and thrown away

I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
So wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remain
So steal my heart and take the pain
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
Take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
Take my world apart

Worlds Apart.

Whipping up My Energy

The other day I went to the library and took out some Tai Chi videos. I also took out two videos called Three Minutes to Power and Three Minutes to Peace by Master Lawrence Tan. The latter are videos based on the Universal form that uses a form of Kung Fu to build energy or calm yourself down, based on movements and breathing patterns that help to fuel your energy meridians.

In Eastern practices, breathing is very important. When you take in oxygen and it hitches up with the red blood cells, this creates a strong positive charge in the body. The water and tissues of the body have a strong negative charge. If you remember from your Grade 8 science class, whenever you have a positive charge and a negative charge you have energy and work potential. Think of it as a battery with its negative and positive poles. Then think of the meridians that are designated as being either yin or yang. This is just another way of saying positive or negative.

Electrical energy of the direct current kind is produced in the body and helps to cause many of its functions. There seems to be some evidence that we have both analog and digital forms of energy as well. Tai Chi and other forms of martial arts help to build the "chi" or bio-electrical energy stores of the body through the various movements that are performed. Some of the movements not only strengthen your own chi but can also be used to weaken your opponent's energy levels. I've seen this when I "unzipped" one of my sons central meridian that runs up the center of the trunk of the body. I then gave him a push that sent him flying backwards across the room, much to his and my surprise. He towers over my 5'11" with his 6'1" and muscular bulk and is considerably stronger than I am.

Anyhow, one of the things that I have trained my recticular activating system (the part of the brain that filters out stuff and brings things to your attention) to notice is subtle electrical current, especially as detected through my hands. When I was done doing some of the tai chi and the Universal form, I could feel a surge of energy in my hands and body and my mind became clear and focused. So yeah, it works.

I'm working on learning the tai chi forms as a means of stress relief and of improving my body's electrical function, as well as a means of getting in shape.

Speaking of shape, I am now into a size 14. Yeah! Still have about 25 or so pounds to go, but I'm getting there.

How to Be Diappointed in Life

"One of the best ways to have lots of disappointment in your life is to construct an image of how you would like things to be, and then try to make everything that way. You will feel disappointed as long as the world doesn't match your picture. That is one of the best ways I know of to keep yourself in a constant state of disappointment, because you are never going to get the world to match your picture. "

Frogs into Princes by Richard Bandler and John Grinder

One Heavy Burden Lifted

I can't believe how unstressed I feel now that I am no longer homeschooling. I'm ecstatic and the kids are very happy. I went to the parent/teacher open house last night and got to meet all the teachers that the children have. One of them I knew before as a homeschooler and I know she is truly gifted and called to teach.

Those of you who have had to labor for years, feeling like a square peg in a round hole will know exactly what I mean when I say that is how I felt as a homeschooler. It 's ok to go on about the high calling of homeschooling, but if you haven't got the knack of it, it makes for drudgery for everyone. It is like asking a tone deaf person to practice the piano for years in the hopes that one day they will be able to play a concert. I can teach all right. But it has to be the thing I am called to that I can teach. In my case, kinesionics and preventative health practices doesn't make for good training in phonics and math skills. And I refuse to feel guilty about it any more. Instead, I am going to concentrate on doing what I am actually skilled in and good at, and let others who are good at teaching, teach. And I'll fill in with love, understanding, and bag lunches. In fact, I feel a whole lot more understanding and loving towards my kids now that I am not being perpetually frustrated with having to teach them. I am praising God that I had a decent Christian school to send them to.

Now pray that I can finance this....

What I Did This Summer

Yeah, I know. It sounds like one of those cheesy school essays done early in September. So sue me.

My company has come and gone. [sniff!] It was fun while it all lasted, but now it is time to dig out from under the rubble of things that got shoved aside so we could all have fun and get back to the routine of school, laundry, cleaning, cooking, and daily living.

This year, school has a new meaning for me. It means FREEDOM! I've homeschooled for the last 18 years and now I am letting some people who are actually called to teach in a Christian school do it. That means I can now concentrate on being a "justa" wife and mother. Oh, and a student and kinesionics practitioner too. On the one hand, I feel like I am being an incredibly selfish person by not putting up with all the educational frustrations, total mess, and heavy workload and joylessness that I experienced over the years. Like I don't deserve any joy in life, and neither do my kids. (To all the Calvinists reading this -- I know I deserve hell and damnation, but I *am* one of the elect and therefore entitled, by grace, to joy now.)

And yeah. Socialization. I know all the arguments about why socialization at home is good for your kids when they homeschool. Truthfully, my kids have benefited from it. They all interact well with adults and kids of all ages because they weren't socialized to their peer group. Hopefully that will hold for them.

BTW, I'm not completely out of the homeschool mindset. I can't bear to part with the books yet. The kids may find them useful for homework or projects. And I will likely start teaching Elodie to read this year.

In other news, I just finished up four days of advanced training in kinesionics. I have a love/hate relationship with these courses. I love coming out of the training at the end with more tools for helping people. However, in order to get there, it is a case of "physician, heal thyself." In other words, I have to have the therapy done to me as well as practice on my classmates. This is usually good for at least one complete emotional meltdown. I cried my way home and cried my way back on at least two days. But it's all good. I'm all fixed now. [liar.]

My instructor is a rather reserved man and doesn't say too much, but I think he thinks I am doing well. The other students seem to think so, at any rate. My goal is to become as good as my instructor, and while I think I am a long way away from being that, but I intend to work hard in the next few years to move in that direction. Already I am taking my exams deeper than I had before and learning along the way. I'm also planning on branching out and taking in more education soon. I have a specialized course on nutrition and glyconutrients from the Miami University School of Medicine to finish up, and then I hope to start working on my wholistic nutrition bachelor of science from Clayton College of Natural Healing .

On other fronts: I continue to lose weight. I am planning on losing another 25 or 30 lbs and getting into seriously good shape. My elliptical trainer awaits me in the basement. I also have some tai chi videos for learning tai chi to go through, some Pilates DVD's to use, and a few other things I plan to use for accomplishing the above.

I don't have a lot of plans yet for what I plan to do with my time when the kids are in school beyond giving the house a thorough going over and instituting regular nap times for the pre-schoolers. I want to have some chill time to think things over and then decide from there what I want to do. I'm not an idle person by nature, and I hate wasting time on games and useless activities, so filling my time with profitable activities should not be a problem.

That's it for now....