"Mistakes Are the Privilege of the Active Person"

The above quote comes from an email from my friend, Margery K. The context of the email was yet another discussion on God's grace and its nature. I have been pondering the above, especially in connection with the life of King David and by way of comparison, with my own. Mistakes are not necessarily the same thing as sin, of course. But if you are at all an active person who is going out and doing things, chances are you will have a lot of mistakes and maybe even a lot of sins happening. But as Margery has also reminded me, "mistakes are God's little learning opportunities." I seem to be getting a lot of those lately.

I guess the reason I am pondering David's life is that he was no poster boy for a sanitized view of sainthood. He was a truly great man with some spectacular failures in his life and yet he remained a man of God. A mark of salvation is that no matter how often or how far you fall, you always rise up and persevere, though you may find yourself at Heaven's gate bloodied and beaten by life and the consequences of sin. And you will find yourself more than a conqueror.

This is a time of sifting for me. I don't know how long this sifting will last, but I have the distinct feeling that it won't be over soon. I feel a fragility of soul that I have never felt before. I sometimes think I could easily splinter into a thousand million pieces. At other times, I feel a strong core of something sustaining me that surprises me. Temptations to complete despair and hopelessness can sometimes consume me, and then the Lord sends someone or something along to show me that I am not completely forsaken and that He is keeping me and maybe even using me. Most days all I know is to put one foot in front of the other and just do the duty that is in front of me. Some days I know that I am sustained by the power of God and His love for me. On the days that I don't know that, or doubt it, He sustains me anyhow and covers my sinful doubts with His mercy.

One of the things I am noticing in the Scriptures are the contrasts that exist. Psalm 40: 12 talks about how our iniquities are more than the hairs of our heads causing the heart to fail because of the sheer magnitude of their number. But earlier in the Psalm we also read how God's mercies are more than can be numbered. Does sin abound? Grace more than abounds to cover it. There are numerous superlatives found in Scripture regarding the love and mercy of God. Ephesians tells us that God is rich in mercy, and there is an exceeding richness of grace; riches of grace, made to abound to us. God is no stingy miser when it comes to covering our sins. The bizarre thing about grace is that the more you see your need of it, and the more you receive it, the less you feel like doing the things that require your need of it in the first place. Or so I am finding. Sanctification is happening, I guess.

I don't have a graceful way of ending this post. Sorry.

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
lyrics by U2

I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you
But I still havent found what Im looking for
But I still havent found what Im looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven't found what Im looking for
But I still havent found what Im looking for

I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well yes Im still running

You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it

But I still havent found what Im looking for...

Five Candles
Lyrics by Jars of Clay

A promise or a dare
I would jump if I knew you'd catch me
Staring over the edge
I can't tell if you'll be here for me
I close my eyes and make a wish
Turn out the lights and take a breath
Pray that when the wick is burned
You would say that it's all about love

Chorus:
You were there when I needed you
You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open
You were there when I needed you
You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open
You were never here

I remember you said
Love was more than your good intentions
Empty boxes on the floor
Things I never asked you for
I pray that when the wick is burned
You would say that it's all about love

[Chorus]

I can't see the promise of
Excuses you fall upon
I pray to God not holding on
To things you've left undone

[Chorus x 2]
You were there when I
You were there when I
You were there when I needed you

Liquid
lyrics by Jars of Clay

Arms nailed down,
Are you tellin me something?
Eyes turned out, Are you looking for someone?

This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.

Blood-stained brow,
Are you dying for nothing?
Flesh and blood,
Is it so elemental?

This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.
This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.

Blood-stained brow,
He wasn't broken for nothing.
Arms nailed down,
He didn't die for nothing.

This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.
This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.
This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.
This is the one thing,
The one thing that I know.

Sometimes when life is complicated and tangled, it helps to go back to the one thing you know.

Flood

Rain rain on my face
It hasn't stopped raining for days
My world is a flood
Slowly I become one with the mud

But if I can't swim after forty days
And my mind is crushed by the crashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me up Lift me up -
When I'm falling Lift me up -
I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again

Down pour on my soul
Splashing in the ocean
I'm losing control
Dark sky all around
I can't feel my feet touching the ground

But if I can't swim after forty days
And my mind is crushed by the crashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me up Lift me up - When I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again

Calm the storms that drench my eyes
And dry the streams still flowing
Casting down all the waves of sin
And guilt that overthrow me

If I can't swim after forty days
And my mind is crushed by the crashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall -
Lift me up

He

Lyrics from Jars of Clay

Don't try to reach me, I'm already dead
The pain when it grips me, for things that I've done
Well, I try to make you proud
But for crying out loud
Just give me a chance to hide away
Exhaustion takes over, will this someday be over?

Fearful tears are running down
The pain you've laid, don't speak a sound
Don't take my heart away from me
And they think I fell down, again

Daddy, don't you love me
Then why do you hit me
And Momma don't you love me
Then why do you hurt me
Well, I try to make you proud
But for crying out loud
Just give me a chance to hide away
Exhaustion takes over, will this someday be over?

Fearful tears are running down
The pain you've laid, don't speak a sound
Don't take my heart away from me
And they think I fell down

A teardrop falls from up in the heavens
Drowning the sorrow of angels in high
For the least of the helpless, the hopeless, the loveless
Your Jesus, His children, He holds in His eyes
He loves you, He sees you,
He knows you, Protects you,
He needs you, He holds you...


I am NOT referring to my parents in the above song. I was not a victim of child abuse and my parents are the best. This song is merely reflective of the effects of what I have been going through recently. Stuff is bubbling up from the bottom of my soul -- stuff that has been stuffed down and repressed for years.

Invisible To You

Sung by Mary Coughlin

from the CD Celtic Moods

Didn't see me, you didn't see me at all

Couldn't hear me, so you couldn't have heard me fall

And you never knew though I did everything I could do

'Cause I, I was invisible to you

Lost my shadow, crossed my shadow with yours

Passed a mirror, got no reflection there anymore

Since you walked right through, now I can't even seem to be blue

'Cause I, I was invisible to you

Oh I, I was invisible to you

Two in the morning

Staring at these pictures on my wall

It's funny how the pictures never call

And you never knew

Though I did everything I could do

'Cause I, I was invisible to you

Didn't see me, you didn't see me at all

Couldn't hear me, so you couldn't have heard me fall

And you never knew though I did everything I could do

'Cause I, I was invisible to you

Oh I, I was invisible to you...

"Learning To Breathe"

by Switchfoot

Hello, good morning, how you do?

What makes your rising sun so new?

I could use a fresh beginning too

All of my regrets are nothing new

So this is the way that I say I need You

This is the way that

I'mLearning to breathe

I'm learning to crawl

I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall

I'm living again, awake and alive

I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how you been?

Yesterday left my head kicked in

I never, never thought that

I would fall like that

Never knew that I could hurt this bad

So this is the way that I say I need You

This is the way that I say I love You

This is the way that I say I'm Yours

This is the way, this is the way

That I'm learning to breathe

I'm learning to crawl

I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall

I'm living again, awake and alive

I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

These abundant skies...

Like a Child
by Jars of Clay

Dear God,
Surround me as I speak,
The bridges that I walk across are weak
Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bare

Dear God,
Don't let me fall apart
You've held me close to you
I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand

They say that I can move the mountains
And send them falling to the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe
With Faith Like a Child

Sometimes,
When I feel miles away
And my eyes can't see your face
I wonder if I've grown to lose
The recklessness I walked in light of you

They say that I can move the mountains
And send them crashing to the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe
With Faith Like a Child

They say that love can heal the broken
They say that hope can make you see
They say that faith can find a Savior
If you would follow and believe
With Faith Like a Child

Your [Wo]Man

by SmashMouth (with apologies for some minor editing)

I don't know why I'm with you
The only right thing I do is get along with you
And days go bye-bye for you but they fly by for me
It's true
I talked to you late last night
You said it wasn't all right but it would be all right
And when you sleep by yourself
You're not alone I'm with you

But you weren't listening when I told you everything
That you need I ain't got
You should be gone by now but you're not

I play guitar all night long
And I know hundreds of songs and I'll just play them all
And even when I get home somehow you're still alone
It's true
I don't know why you're with me
The only reason I see some sort of fetish thing
Some people like to be pleased and
Some like to be teased
Which are you?

I tried to warn you but you said just play dead
As long as we stay
True

But you weren't listening when I told you everything
That you need I ain't got
You should be gone by now but you're not
But you're not

Did your head not receive the shape of everything
That you are and I am?
I should be happy as your [wo]man
You know that I'm not

I play guitar all night long
And I know hundreds of songs and I'll just play them all
And when you sleep by yourself
You're not alone I'm with you
As long as we stay true


--You weren't listening when I told you everything
That you need I ain't got
You should be gone by now but you're not

But you're not

Face to Face
by Josh White of Telecast

Minutes dissolve as I fight this fall
I'm learning to crawl, trembling I call
Restrain my heart, replace it with You
Jesus, I'll deny myself. I will follow You

There will be a day
When all will fade away
And all that will remain
Is loving you face to face
Jesus, I pray
That You would come today
Faith will be replaced
With loving You face to face

You are the Gate
Which I entered in
You are the Path
Which I'm following
You are the Light
That carries me through
You are the Guide
That's leading me back to You.

There will be a day
When all will fade away
And all that will remain
Is loving You face to face
Jesus, I pray
That you would come today
Faith will be replaced
With loving you face to face.

Saturate
By Josh White of Telecast

Dwelling on days gone by
All of this wasted time
Why do I want just to talk with You?

Burn away all the lies inside
Remind me where You reside, this time
I will remain in You

I won’t be satisfied
Until I’ve laid my eyes on You
I will abide in You
I won’t be satisfied Until You’re all that comes through
Until I’m saturated in You.

Feelings come and feelings go
Don’t care, just want to know
You more and more every moment

There are days that are dark, and I’m scared
Days I just fall apart, but You’re there
I will remain in You

And I will hold to You
In a world that’s so confused
Jesus, I love you
Saturate me with You.

Too Little, Too Late

How ironic. I wrote the words to this song that my son composed music for and I wrote it in response to what was happening in a friend's marriage. I never thought I would look back at it and see that it fit my life as well. All except for the bit about hate. I don't hate. I just feel indifferent.

The signs have been there
They’ve been there so long
The seeds you sowed so long ago
Have grown up too strong
The harvest now is bitter
As you reap what you have sown
Still waters run deep
And now you are alone

Your tears drop down your face like rain
As love slowly turns to hate
Repentance comes but now you fear
It’s too little, too late.

You thought the rules would bend for you
Well they bent until they broke
Neglect of duties and of joys
Made faith a perfect joke
Hypocrisy unseen by you
Made hearts as soft as stone
Still waters brought a deep divide
And now you are alone


Your children the unwilling victims
Of your "noble" sacrifice
To what you thought was the higher
And greater purpose of your life.
Seeds of missed opportunities
Were watered by their tears
And now you wish to go back in time
To uproot all the lost years.

Your tears drop down your face like rain
As love slowly turned to hate
Repentance comes but now you find
It’s too little, too late.

Waiting for the World to Fall
by Jars of Clay from the Chronicles of Narnia Soundtrack

I'm afraid it's been too long
to try to find the reasons why
I let my world close in around
a smaller patch of fading sky
But now I've grown beyond the walls
to where I've never been
And it's still winter in my wonderland

Chorus
I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone

I close my eyes and try to see
the world unbroken underneath
The farther off and already
it just might make the life I lead
A little more than make-believe
when all my skies are painted blue
And the clouds don't ever change
the shape of who I am to You

Chorus

I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone

When I catch the light of falling stars
my view is changing me
My view is changing me

I'm waiting

Much Afraid
by Jars of Clay

Empty again
Sunken down so far
So scared to fall
I might not get up again
So I lay at your feet
All my brokenness
I carry all of my burdens to you

All of these things I've held up in vain
No reason nor rhyme
Just the scars that remain
Of all of these things
I'm so much afraid
Scared out of my mind
By the demons I've made
Sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go
Oh, sweet Jesus, never ever let me go

Worlds Apart
by Jars of Clay

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind

To rid myself of all but love,
To give and die
To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
More deeply than the oceans,
More abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life
I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

And I pray,
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remains
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
The battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
And wash the feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak,
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
The sin and soaked heart and make it yours
Take my world all apart
Take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I used to love
Fall to dust and thrown away

I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
So wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remain
So steal my heart and take the pain
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
Take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
Take my world apart

Worlds Apart.

Whipping up My Energy

The other day I went to the library and took out some Tai Chi videos. I also took out two videos called Three Minutes to Power and Three Minutes to Peace by Master Lawrence Tan. The latter are videos based on the Universal form that uses a form of Kung Fu to build energy or calm yourself down, based on movements and breathing patterns that help to fuel your energy meridians.

In Eastern practices, breathing is very important. When you take in oxygen and it hitches up with the red blood cells, this creates a strong positive charge in the body. The water and tissues of the body have a strong negative charge. If you remember from your Grade 8 science class, whenever you have a positive charge and a negative charge you have energy and work potential. Think of it as a battery with its negative and positive poles. Then think of the meridians that are designated as being either yin or yang. This is just another way of saying positive or negative.

Electrical energy of the direct current kind is produced in the body and helps to cause many of its functions. There seems to be some evidence that we have both analog and digital forms of energy as well. Tai Chi and other forms of martial arts help to build the "chi" or bio-electrical energy stores of the body through the various movements that are performed. Some of the movements not only strengthen your own chi but can also be used to weaken your opponent's energy levels. I've seen this when I "unzipped" one of my sons central meridian that runs up the center of the trunk of the body. I then gave him a push that sent him flying backwards across the room, much to his and my surprise. He towers over my 5'11" with his 6'1" and muscular bulk and is considerably stronger than I am.

Anyhow, one of the things that I have trained my recticular activating system (the part of the brain that filters out stuff and brings things to your attention) to notice is subtle electrical current, especially as detected through my hands. When I was done doing some of the tai chi and the Universal form, I could feel a surge of energy in my hands and body and my mind became clear and focused. So yeah, it works.

I'm working on learning the tai chi forms as a means of stress relief and of improving my body's electrical function, as well as a means of getting in shape.

Speaking of shape, I am now into a size 14. Yeah! Still have about 25 or so pounds to go, but I'm getting there.

How to Be Diappointed in Life

"One of the best ways to have lots of disappointment in your life is to construct an image of how you would like things to be, and then try to make everything that way. You will feel disappointed as long as the world doesn't match your picture. That is one of the best ways I know of to keep yourself in a constant state of disappointment, because you are never going to get the world to match your picture. "

Frogs into Princes by Richard Bandler and John Grinder

One Heavy Burden Lifted

I can't believe how unstressed I feel now that I am no longer homeschooling. I'm ecstatic and the kids are very happy. I went to the parent/teacher open house last night and got to meet all the teachers that the children have. One of them I knew before as a homeschooler and I know she is truly gifted and called to teach.

Those of you who have had to labor for years, feeling like a square peg in a round hole will know exactly what I mean when I say that is how I felt as a homeschooler. It 's ok to go on about the high calling of homeschooling, but if you haven't got the knack of it, it makes for drudgery for everyone. It is like asking a tone deaf person to practice the piano for years in the hopes that one day they will be able to play a concert. I can teach all right. But it has to be the thing I am called to that I can teach. In my case, kinesionics and preventative health practices doesn't make for good training in phonics and math skills. And I refuse to feel guilty about it any more. Instead, I am going to concentrate on doing what I am actually skilled in and good at, and let others who are good at teaching, teach. And I'll fill in with love, understanding, and bag lunches. In fact, I feel a whole lot more understanding and loving towards my kids now that I am not being perpetually frustrated with having to teach them. I am praising God that I had a decent Christian school to send them to.

Now pray that I can finance this....

What I Did This Summer

Yeah, I know. It sounds like one of those cheesy school essays done early in September. So sue me.

My company has come and gone. [sniff!] It was fun while it all lasted, but now it is time to dig out from under the rubble of things that got shoved aside so we could all have fun and get back to the routine of school, laundry, cleaning, cooking, and daily living.

This year, school has a new meaning for me. It means FREEDOM! I've homeschooled for the last 18 years and now I am letting some people who are actually called to teach in a Christian school do it. That means I can now concentrate on being a "justa" wife and mother. Oh, and a student and kinesionics practitioner too. On the one hand, I feel like I am being an incredibly selfish person by not putting up with all the educational frustrations, total mess, and heavy workload and joylessness that I experienced over the years. Like I don't deserve any joy in life, and neither do my kids. (To all the Calvinists reading this -- I know I deserve hell and damnation, but I *am* one of the elect and therefore entitled, by grace, to joy now.)

And yeah. Socialization. I know all the arguments about why socialization at home is good for your kids when they homeschool. Truthfully, my kids have benefited from it. They all interact well with adults and kids of all ages because they weren't socialized to their peer group. Hopefully that will hold for them.

BTW, I'm not completely out of the homeschool mindset. I can't bear to part with the books yet. The kids may find them useful for homework or projects. And I will likely start teaching Elodie to read this year.

In other news, I just finished up four days of advanced training in kinesionics. I have a love/hate relationship with these courses. I love coming out of the training at the end with more tools for helping people. However, in order to get there, it is a case of "physician, heal thyself." In other words, I have to have the therapy done to me as well as practice on my classmates. This is usually good for at least one complete emotional meltdown. I cried my way home and cried my way back on at least two days. But it's all good. I'm all fixed now. [liar.]

My instructor is a rather reserved man and doesn't say too much, but I think he thinks I am doing well. The other students seem to think so, at any rate. My goal is to become as good as my instructor, and while I think I am a long way away from being that, but I intend to work hard in the next few years to move in that direction. Already I am taking my exams deeper than I had before and learning along the way. I'm also planning on branching out and taking in more education soon. I have a specialized course on nutrition and glyconutrients from the Miami University School of Medicine to finish up, and then I hope to start working on my wholistic nutrition bachelor of science from Clayton College of Natural Healing .

On other fronts: I continue to lose weight. I am planning on losing another 25 or 30 lbs and getting into seriously good shape. My elliptical trainer awaits me in the basement. I also have some tai chi videos for learning tai chi to go through, some Pilates DVD's to use, and a few other things I plan to use for accomplishing the above.

I don't have a lot of plans yet for what I plan to do with my time when the kids are in school beyond giving the house a thorough going over and instituting regular nap times for the pre-schoolers. I want to have some chill time to think things over and then decide from there what I want to do. I'm not an idle person by nature, and I hate wasting time on games and useless activities, so filling my time with profitable activities should not be a problem.

That's it for now....