Just When You Think You've Made Progress...

I've had to have far too much contact with my ex-husband lately. We just did an exchange of our respective tax notices today. He's also been around regularly to pick up children for their soccer practices and games. I don't exchange any words beyond what is absolutely as I have nothing to say to this man, or else far too much. Sometimes the rage just bubbles up inside me. Rage over what should have been, over what was lost, over his constant unwanted intrusions into my life.

I recently donated a kidney to a much loved friend who has done much good to and for me. That sparked a discussion in the car today on the drive to school. One of my sons said something to the effect that he would donate a kidney to either me or his father if we needed one. I remember looking at my son like he had two heads. Why in the world would he donate a kidney to THAT MAN? But then this is his father he is talking about. It amazes me how strong the bond between parent and child can be. It amazes me that someone could feel that level of care for someone that I feel nothing for beyond the rage.

For a time I had reached that happy place of indifference to what my ex-husband was thinking, saying, or doing. As long as he stays out of my way, I'm good. But then if I find him intruding on my life more than I like, all the old rage rises up. I guess I'm not done healing.

I'm Back

After a hiatus in which fear of man ruled my life and where I was afraid to speak my mind because of what others would say or think, I'm back.

For a while it was too hard and there were too many things going on in my life to enable me to do much by way of writing. But the writing bug is biting again and so here I am.

I did attempt an anonymous blog after I closed this one off to the public. It is no longer anonymous and you can read the posts by going here.

Where the Line of Antithesis Lies

Sometimes in our desire to pursue and maintain truth, we draw the line of antithesis between ourselves and other Christians, forgetting that the real line lies between us and the world. Here is a small snippet of something that Douglas Wilson wrote recently on his blog, "Blog and Mablog."

When we gather to worship the Lord, when the call to worship is uttered, the Holy Spirit gathers us up, and ushers us all into the heavenly places where we then worship God in the name of Jesus in the power of the Holy Spirit. We have not come to a mountain that can be touched, but rather to the heavenly mountain of Zion, the New Jerusalem. We have assembled with all the holy angels and the spirits of just men made perfect. Moreover, we are doing this with all the saints all over the earth, time zone after time zone, in successive waves. From the rising of the sun to the going down of the same, the name of the Lord shall be praised.

There are two thoughts in this that should comfort us. The first is that, because of the righteousness of Jesus Christ, in whom we all make our approach to God, we all do so as members of the one, holy, catholic and apostolic church. Before the throne of God, where all of us assemble every Lord's Day, there are no denominations -- just a multitude that no man can number. There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism. We are to grow up into one unified perfect man in history precisely because this is already given to us in the heavenly realms. [Emphasis added]

The second encouragement is this. As we worship God in the heavenly realms, we are rising above the culture wars. This is not because those conflicts are now irrelevant, but rather this is our only successful way of fighting them. In our worship, we pray this: Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. We are engaged this morning in glorifying the name of Jesus Christ in heaven. As a result, we may then ask by faith for God to do the same on earth. As the name of Christ is glorified on earth, as it is in heaven, the kingdom is coming, the will of God is being done. It is the will of God to exalt the name of Jesus Christ.

As the name of Christ is exalted by God this way, the secularists who do not wish to honor the name of Christ discover they have no countermeasures for this. There have nothing available to them that can stop this. Be encouraged, and worship the Lord this morning.

Depression, Guilt and Miscellaneous other Things...

One of the things that you should never do if you at all think you are depressed is to take the MMPI -- one of a form of psychometric testing. The test will confirm the depression, but the other stuff they tell you in it could very well push you over the edge. When I did one recently no one told me that the test results would come back in a totally negative light. Now I am not one who believes herself perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but to read this sort of negative report without anything to balance it off on the other side was almost enough to have me considering whether all my friends and family were completely and utterly blind not to mention a little crazy themselves if they could love such a miserable specimen of humanity as myself.

Depression sucks big time. You look perfectly healthy, can function to a certain extent, but inside your head you are sick. Your serotonin levels are down and out, your feel good neurotransmitters have gone south, and holding a positive thought can be difficult. And then there is the embarassment of it all when people casually ask you "How are you?" and you burst into tears to their and your horror. You sit in your house and there are whole sections of your home that you are afraid to go into. You see that things need doing, but somehow, mustering the energy to do them seems to be beyond you.

I never imagined that I would be doing this but I am trying the "better living through chemistry" approach. I am doing a few supplements in addition, but the motivation to eat properly, take my supplements, exercise, do stress-relieving sorts of activities, etc., is HARD to find. Somehow I have to try and do this, earn a living for the kids and myself, and make a whole bunch of decisions and judgements at a time when I feel the least capable of doing any of it. I totally get why some people become workaholics. When I am cleaning a house or doing a kinesionics session on someone, I have brief times of being in control of something and being competent at it. The temptation is to do more of what gives you that feeling.

Even though it feels like my world has become unglued, the alternative, ie., returning to Marc and that marriage, are out of the question. As bad as things are now, I will NEVER go back and endure that again. I have a small measure of self respect now, and I enjoy the freedom of being an adult and free from the particular stresses that living with him imposed. I have no guilt whatsoever about ending this marriage aside from the disruption it is causing in the life of my kids. I wish I could spare them all this turmoil and uncertainty, but not at the cost of returning to marital tyranny. I'm only just beginning to grasp the fact that not only do my kids deserve better, but so do I.

On the topic of guilt, I received what follows in an email the other day. One of the things that I am attempting to grasp on the subjective level is the whole idea of grace. Grace truly is a scandal in its unfairness. We all desire and need it, yet it is so counter-intuitive in many ways. Works righteousness comes so easily to us. We want to be found worthy through our own efforts. The following story is an illustration of how it really works.

The Devil and the Duck

There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He practiced in the woods; but he could never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck. Just out of impulse, he let the slingsho t fly, hit the duck square in the head and killed it. He was shocked and grieved!

In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile; only to see his sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.

After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes" But Sally said, "Grandma , Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen." Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes.

Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fish ing and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper." Sally just smiled and said, "Well that's all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help" She whispered again, "Remember the duck?" So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help

After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's; he finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck.

Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said, "Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you."

Thought for the day and every day thereafter?

Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done... and the devil keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.)...whatever it is ...You need to know that God was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing. He has seen your whole life. He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven.

He's just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of you. The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness; He not only forgives you, but He forgets. It is by God's grace and mercy that we are saved

Go ahead and make the difference in someone's life today. Share this with a friend and always remember: God is at the window!

Stand - Rascal Flatts

This could well be my theme song...

"Stand"

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

[Chorus:]
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand

Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

[Repeat Chorus]

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
Oh

[Repeat Chorus]

Happy Birthday to Me--

So it's been 47 years, 12 children and 3 and a half grandchildren later. Think it shows???

One of the Best Christmas Presents ever...

...is one I won't be able to see until next August. Yep, I'm going to be a grandmother again! Yeah me! Yeah, Ben and Tonya!

The best part of being a grandmother is that you get all the pleasure of the baby and none of the work.

I'm going to post some adorable pictures of my youngest granddaughter soon. And if you are lucky, I'll post some pictures of me in the next month or so. My daughter, Trista, has become quite the photographer and I am having her do a photoshoot of me for my birthday.

Merry Christmas

I didn't think I would ever hear myself saying those words ever again, nor writing them either. Some would claim this as evidence of how far I have fallen from the "attainments" but I choose to see it more as a form of liberation from yet more rules that I was living under.

The assumption in the circles I once inhabited was that if you said the words, "Merry Christmas" that you were giving assent to the Roman Catholic church and all its doctrines, as well as corrupting the worship of God. However, now that I have had some time to sit down and think about it all away from the noise one of the things I have noticed is that no Christian I know of actually claims to worship God through the use of gifts, trees, tinsel, jolly elves, candles and all the other typical accoutrements of the season. In fact, most of the Christians I know do focus on the birth of Christ as the beginning of the work that Christ came to accomplish. These other things are rituals that may or may not be used to remind one of Christ, or else something good merely to be enjoyed for the pleasure they give, like the beautiful display of lights that some people indulge in.

Last night I went to the candlelight service at the Baptist church I now attend. What we had there was a focus on Scripture. I have to tell you that I can't ever think of the story of Christ's birth without being gripped at the heart level by what it all entailed. It is such a profound story how all the hopes and desires that Israel had been promised were finally seeing fulfillment in the tiny Lamb of God, born in Bethlehem, the city of David where the sacrificial lambs for the Temple in Jerusalem, five miles distant, were raised.

So many things come together in this story for me. The birth of Christ is a story of redemption in itself. One year I made a point of looking up all the people listed in the geneology found in Matthew. You have people who committed incest, a prostitute, a murderer and adulterer, idolaters, and other notable sinners. Yet all these sins were redeemed in the One who came from that lineage.

Then I am struck by how disruptive letting the Holiest of Holies into your life can be. Mary was without fault in the conception of the Holy One of Israel, yet she bore the infamy of being an unwed mother for years afterwards as her Son was taunted by Pharisees who knew that Abraham was their father, but who is YOURS? All His life, He did unexpected, "outside the box" things that upset and offended the conventions of the society He was born into, yet there were infallibly the right thing to do. Let this remind me that I will sometimes do unconventional things that will upset people yet still be right in God's eyes. To my own Master I stand or fall.

May this season be one where the Holy Spirit speaks to you anew of the redemption, hope, and joy to be found in Christ.

This one is for Chrysalis,

Chrysalis, you have always intrigued me. Please email me privately because I wouldn't mind corresponding with you in a less public setting. knoxknoxwhosthere@yahoo.com

Everyone at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with teh feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them, and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake someone else up so that they can feel this way too.

Lemony Snicket Horseradish: Bittter Truths You Can't Avoid

And on a related thought -- When you think no one cares, try missing a payment.

More Wisdom from Lemony Snicket

Recess is part of the school day designed to give children a break from the more unpleasant aspects of the educational system, but so many school yards are full of villainous students that recess can often turn out to be the most unpleasant part of the day.

Labor Day is a holiday honoring those who work for a living. Laborious Day is a lesser known holiday honoring those who cannot stop talking about their work.



It is one of life's bitterest truths that bedtime so often arrives just when things are really getting interesting.

Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course. Piracy, for example, is a tradition that has been carried on for hundreds of years, but that doesn't mean we should all attack ships and steal their gold.

Lemony Snickett ~ Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid

Deciding whether or not to trust a person is like deciding whether or not to climb a tree, because you might get a wonderful view from the highest branch, or you might simply get covered in sap, and for this reason many people choose to spend their time alone and indoors, where it is harder to get a splinter.

Lemony Snickett -- Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid

Mad TV Bob Newhart Skit - Mo Collins - Stop it

Good sound advice on how to deal with your problems and issues...

A Bitter Truth

Perhaps if we saw what was ahead of us, and glimpsed the crimes, follies, and misfortunes that would befall us later on, we would all stay in our mother's wombs, and then there would be nobody in the world but a great number of very fat, very irritated women.

Lemony Snickett Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid.

Great Big Sea - Feel it Turn

A poignant song

The Mom Song

Thanks to Raging Calvinist for this.

When I Go Down

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregaurd
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find the end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not that way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregaurd
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

Any control I thought I had just slipped through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet You love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do You make it light
As I exhale I hear Your voice
And I answer You, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's a fallen man's praise
Cause I love You
Oh God, I love You

And life is now worth living
If only because of You
And when they say that I am dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to You
I won't look very far
Cause You'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again

Church Sign Smack Down

Click on the link above for something pretty funny.