The Irony of Life

The glory of youth is their strength, cuz it sure ain't their wisdom! The young are too soon dumb and too late smart, and they don't even know it. Worse yet, they think they are the opposite. This, of course, is a generality. Some young people are exceptionally mature. Then there are tons of adults who never grow up in terms of responsibility or attitude.

Here is where the irony comes in. The longer I live, the more I see what a complete shambles I am and how completely hopeless I am at stuff and how un-together I am, which, conversely, is apparently the evidence that you are getting your act together.

It was Pastor Price who taught me the beauty of humility. (How could I not love and appreciate a man who is in so many ways better than I, but who humbly asks my pardon when he thinks he may have offended me? )

Last night I was at my daughter Trista's for supper with her husband and in-laws. Trista's mother-in-law and I go back a long ways and it was a pleasant evening visiting her. I was lamenting to Sue about all the mistakes and failures I had made along the way when I was raising my two eldest daughters. Trista broke into the conversation and said,

"Mom, there was one thing you did that always made up for the failures. You always came back to us and said you were sorry and asked us to forgive you."

Trista then related that this fact is what encourages her to do the same with her little daughter. Which made me glad.

One of the worst things about the Fall is the way our sin nature makes us spend so much time focusing and wondering and fussing over our selves. I think one of the things I most look forward to in Heaven will be losing that all-pervading sense of self that is always yakking away in the back of my head, distracting me from really getting down to doing something. I waste a great deal of time worrying about how I am perceived as a mother rather than actually being one. I worry about how I look in pictures to the extent that I won't allow them to be taken of me. I worry about what others think of my housecleaning to the extent that I fuss over that to the neglect of my children. So much of what I do, even the things I excel at, are tied into wanting my self to be seen in a good light. And really, I know it is quite futile. Because even if I am good at something, this generally isn't what makes people like me or want to emulate me. Often the things I am good at become stumbling blocks to others because they either think they can't do it and become discouraged, or else it provokes envy. I have noticed more and more that the times I connect the most with people is when I am admitting to weaknesses and discouragements. "When I am weak, then am I strong."

I think one of the reasons that people are attracted to eastern religion is because of the promise of losing the "self" in the great One -- in a sense, to become unconscious. On rare occasions I have had a taste of what I think heaven will be like -- not an unconsciousness, but an attention that is directed completely outward and undistracted by thoughts of self. It doesn't happen that often, and it isn't anything I can conjure up by trying really hard. Instead, it is a Gift that has been given to me that gives me a sort of holiday from the eternal chatter of the self. I wouldn't mind an eternity-long holiday of that sort.