I've had to have far too much contact with my ex-husband lately. We just did an exchange of our respective tax notices today. He's also been around regularly to pick up children for their soccer practices and games. I don't exchange any words beyond what is absolutely as I have nothing to say to this man, or else far too much. Sometimes the rage just bubbles up inside me. Rage over what should have been, over what was lost, over his constant unwanted intrusions into my life.
I recently donated a kidney to a much loved friend who has done much good to and for me. That sparked a discussion in the car today on the drive to school. One of my sons said something to the effect that he would donate a kidney to either me or his father if we needed one. I remember looking at my son like he had two heads. Why in the world would he donate a kidney to THAT MAN? But then this is his father he is talking about. It amazes me how strong the bond between parent and child can be. It amazes me that someone could feel that level of care for someone that I feel nothing for beyond the rage.
For a time I had reached that happy place of indifference to what my ex-husband was thinking, saying, or doing. As long as he stays out of my way, I'm good. But then if I find him intruding on my life more than I like, all the old rage rises up. I guess I'm not done healing.