Preserving a Dignified Silence

They say that it is better to be silent and thought a fool than to blog and remove all doubt. Maybe this post will confirm your suspicions that I am a fool.

There have been several things that I have been mulling over lately. One is this article that was posted on Rick Cappeza's website. Another article in the same vein that came my way (but for which I don't have a link), is the following which I will paste:


UNDERSTANDING YOUR SEX DRIVE

2003 NEW RELEASE from SILOAM: INTIMATE AND UNASHAMED
by Dr. Scott Farhart

"Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married
Rebekah. So she became his wife; and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted
after his mother's death." (Genesis 24:67, NIV)

In spite of God's good plan for sexual fulfillment in marriage, many men
ask the question: "Why doesn't my wife ever initiate sex?" The flip side of
that question comes from women: "Why is my sexual drive so low compared to
my husband's? These questions expose a complex issue involving many
factors; the answers are vital to any couple struggling in their sexual
relationship.

And it seems to be an issue that has only recently surfaced with the
'sexual' revolution of the 1960s. Generations past did not struggle so
intensely with the idea of unequal sexual drive. It was seen as normal for
the man to possess a greater drive for intercourse than the woman. But with
the emphasis placed on sex in our culture and the infusion of the women's
rights movement, there is a new perception that men and women should have
an equal sexual drive. When that does not manifest itself in "real" life,
both the husband and wife want to know, WHY NOT?

WHAT THE MEDIA PORTRAY IS FICTION

Men are created with a stronger tendency to initiate, while women are often
better to receive. It is within these God-given roles that men would
naturally be the initiators of intercourse and women the receivers of their
love. And there would be less problem with misunderstanding these roles if
the world hadn't interfered by injecting its ungodly "standards."

HOLLYWOOD'S INFLUENCE
On televisions and movie screens, in books and magazines, in music videos
and video games, the role is portrayed of a woman who is sexually desirable
taking charge over the man: ripping off his shirt, unbuttoning his pants
and taking control. This scenario has become every man's fantasy because it
is Hollywood's fantasy. However, this perception of a woman's role is a
complete reversal of the way God made us. This model of sexual activity
should never be perceived as the norm.

Much of the discrepancy expressed by men and women concerning sexual drive
is a matter of perception: It involves what you think you should be doing
or what your spouse wants you to do. And some of the sense of "lower"
sexual drive in women is actually a reflection of how they perceive a good
Christian woman should behave. In their proper rejection of Hollywood's
version of the oversexed, promiscuous harlot, women may unwittingly reject
the natural desires God placed within them. This lack of understanding of
what is normal and acceptable in a godly sexual relationship plagues many
women.

BIBLICAL FREEDOM
While men are routinely taught that their sex drive is a strong aspect of
what it is to be a man, women rarely receive such positive reinforcement,
especially from the Christian community. Women can confuse the godly
understanding of being submitted to their husbands with being "submissive,"
passively waiting for him to initiate sexual activity. They wrongly
interpret a desire to have intercourse with their "flesh" that the Bible
commands us to crucify.

The Bible teaches us the proper perspective to have regarding marital sex
and sets us free from the world's distorted perceptions. For example, the
apostle Paul commands the husband to fulfill his marital duty to his wife
and the wife to her husband:

"The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the
wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also
to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him
alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other..." (1 Corinthians
7:3-5)

This mutual sharing of each other's body as taught by the Scriptures gives
freedom to the Christian couple to understand that both the man and the
woman have a right to have sex without fearing they are somehow displeasing
God. The apostle Paul warns them not to deprive one another, except for a
period of time they would devote to prayer, lest Satan tempt them to be
unfaithful (1 Cor. 7:5).

Just discovering this truth can increase a woman's sexual desire for her
husband because she now realizes she has a right to it. And a husband's
understanding of the God-given differences between the initiator he is and
the receiver she is may give him more reasonable (godly) expectations of his wife.

THE ROLE OF HORMONES

There is another important difference between men and women that affects
the natural sex drive - the hormone testosterone. In men, testosterone is
the primary sex hormone, whereas in women it is a very small part of their
hormonal makeup. Testosterone fuels the sexual drive, so the differences in
levels of testosterone between male and female also contribute to what many
couples see as an imbalance in sexual drive. The bottom line reality is
that men and women are created by God with drastically different sexual
drives; if we accept this fact, we can come to a much healthier idea of
what "normal" really is."

End of quote

I thought it was worth while passing along both of the articles for several reasons. First of all, as the first article stated, pornography has created a distorted view of sexuality for men and women. Women are now expected to be sexual amazons with an appetite that matches the male of the species. The new "ideal" woman is also one who is less curvacious than an older generation, and aside from breasts, looks more like a man, especially if you look at the muscle building and fitness mags. Some of the women in there look like they have taken a woman's head and stuck it on a man's body in a bikini. The proliferation of pornography has made sex miserable for many women. Like it or not, Christians (men and women) have adopted this perverted and fictional picture of female sexuality so that disappointment abounds in the bedroom when reality fails to live up to it.

The other factor is that the proliferation of birth control and the limiting of most families to one or two children means that the better part of North Americans, including doctors, are *unaware* of the changes that the libido can go through in extended childbearing. I am one of those women who is blessed with a lack of cycles while I nurse. That is a great convenience, but it also means that I have a greatly diminished sex drive as well. I remember going to the doctor after baby # 3 and asking him what was wrong with me. He didn't know. It wasn't until later when I was hanging out with midwives and had become more educated that I learned that this was *normal* for many women during times of lactational amenorrhea. But combine a populace of few children and few women who nurse beyond a few weeks or months, and most health care providers don't have a lot of experience in recognizing this for what it is.

Now, in the face of my ignorance, my dh's ignorance, and my doctor's ignorance, what do you think the result was? We all thought something was wrong with ME. In an earlier generation where long periods of nursing and many children being the norm, this would have been taken for granted. But in a sex-saturated and sex-fixated society, what is normal for some is now viewed as being the true perversion. Birth control has come to mean that women are available at all times and the perversions extend to having relations during menses so that even that is no longer off limits. The natural rhythm and flow that goes with ovulation, menstruation, pregnancy, childbearing, and nursing are ignored in the demands of sex for sex's sake.

The other thing that I think that has happened is that we now no longer know how we are supposed to look. It becomes increasingly harder to accept the aging process. Look at the Hollywood starlets who are the epitome of what our culture worships in terms of beauty and desirability --Demi Moore after she had her three kids had liposuction AND new breast implants AND worked out with a trainer like a woman possessed. We thought things were bad in the nineties when you needed surgery to have a baby. Now you need surgery to restore your body to porno proportions after having a baby too.

I was working out in the gym yesterday with one of my older daughters and I was thinking as I watched myself lift weights in a mirror that I am looking rather matronly and middleaged. Well guess what? I am a matron and middle-aged to boot. My face is relatively unlined, but I have more and more grey hairs popping up and now I find the ugly head of vanity raising its head. And I *look* like someone who has had a lot of kids. Ever seen a brood mare with the sway back and belly low to the ground that comes with repeated foaling? I am her human equivalent. Even if you stay away from porn and women's mags, it is hard to escape the influence they can wield since our culture is so influenced by them. What is a healthy 42 year old mother of 11 *supposed* to look like? Should I be a hag and let it go at that? How far am I allowed to go in compensating for gravity? I struggle with the demon of discontent in this area at times. It is *hard* to get the balance between just not caring any more and caring too much. But I think if I were really honest, I had that problem at every age.

It is helpful at these times to go back to Scripture and find our bearings there. It is easy for a woman to use a lack of libido as an excuse to not fulfill her duties to her husband. It is easy to use the kids as an excuse for not taking care of herself. Instead, we have to remind ourselves of what is required of us, even when we don't want to do it, and that this is an act of obedience to God that will reap a blessing.

Anyhow, I thought that these articles might be of help to anyone else who may struggle in this area like I do.