Monday, August 08, 2005

An August Evening Musing

I haven't felt much like blogging or being on the net lately. Part of the reason is that life has been very full in recent days and there just hasn't been the time. But tonight I feel like writing for no particular reason other than the peculiar kind of pressure in my chest that requires this sort of an outlet to relieve it.

It has been over eight weeks since James made his debut. At present he is laying on a nursing pillow on my lap, gazing up at me as though life held nothing finer than laying in his mother's arms. Was there life before James? It is hard to remember. It feels like he has always been a part of me.

I love this part of childrearing. For a short time, the sun and moon set by me and all that is needed for happiness to be complete is a full belly of mama milk and a constant cuddle. Already his little hands reach for me at night and if I am not found he awakens. If happiness consists in being needed, then my cup is full.

At the other extreme, I am letting go of another son. He didn't realize it when he left home that I was quite prepared to set him free in due time. I didn't realize that due time would come so soon is all. And now it has been over four weeks since I have heard from him or seen him. He doesn't call. He doesn't come to church. We are a noisy bunch when we get together and he has gotten used to quietness and was stressed out by us the last time all the children were together.
Leaving and cleaving is something that all young men are called upon to do and I have never aspired to the role of "smother mother." I know my time with him is over and it is time for him to sift through what he has been taught and take ownership of it for himself. I also know that he is just as much under the eye of God now than he ever was. But letting go still remains hard to do and the silence is hard to endure.

Almost as hard to endure is watching yet another son struggle with life. All of us are feeling an emotional letdown after our time of fellowship with the brethren in Edmonton. I can't help thinking there is more to this than mere anticlimax. Counsel is offered, and hugs are supplied. Signs of grace are there, but the conflict of learning to subdue and mortify the flesh can sometimes overwhelm. I remember my own struggles in this regard. All one can do is stand on the sideline and watch and shout encouragement to him and pray that the Lord will keep one which I have committed to Him.

Summer is almost over. The lazy days of relaxation never did materialize. I did do some homeschooling, but that has fallen by the wayside as other activities took over. Last week was devoted to travel and visiting. We also had a large barbeque party at our home on Saturday for business associates and customers in our business. Sunday was devoted to fellowshipping over a meal after worship. Today I went to have my hips adjusted by the chiropracter and then spent the afternoon trying to find some suitable clothing for Hannah to wear to the agricultural fair that is being held this week. She is going to be showing a pig and a goat as part of her 4H projects and needed black jeans and a white shirt to do it in. Every day this week will see me up before the crack of dawn to take the kids to the fairground and then back again in the evening to pick them up.

Next week I am planning on taking the kids to Barkerville. This will be both a fun and an educational day for them. We will pack a picnic lunch and the digital camera and take pictures of all the buildings, get brochures, and make notes on the history of this gold rush mining town in the heart of the Cariboo Mountains. The results of this project will be turned into something they can use for their social studies work for school. At some point I plan to get back to work on their plant unit study this month as well.

I sat down this afternoon and made a list of projects I need to complete this month before school starts in September. They are, in no particular order:

1) Make up an anti-candida protocol handout complete with guidelines, food suggestions, and recipes.

2) Organize the attic/schoolroom bookshelves. We have new bookshelves and I need to pack some books into them and clean things up.

3) Organize and clean out my closets and get rid of some things and switch over clothing

4) Get the remainder of the school curriculum organized and make up some posters of what our schedule should be.

5) Make a poster of our house rules.

6) Do some reading on my nutritional course from the University of Miami School of Medicine.

I also made a mind map of the things I want to spend my time studying. I recently acquired some materials on how to desensitize the body of allergens using a laser pen set to a specific frequency. I have been experimenting with it and have found that it is also useful for relieving muscular aches and pains. I can literally soften knotted muscles within a few minutes using it. This made it on to the mind map as well as doing more work understanding allergies, particularly in relation to children and the role it has to play with autism and ADD/ADHD and brain disorders. Brain function was on there as well as neurological re-training programs that help to balance brain function and increase mental capacity for children with learning disabilities. I have been speculating about focusing on a particular area of practice and find myself drawn more and more to working with women's and children's health issues. Fortunately, some of the training I have came on DVD's so I can fold laundry as I educate myself.

They say a change is as good as a holiday, but I don't know. I seem to have exchanged one treadmill for another one. I enjoy what I am doing for the most part, but it is taking its toll. I feel exhausted and I am still experiencing post partum bleeding -- a sure sign that I am doing too much. Too bad I find it so hard to follow my own advice.

Well, my scattered flock is back from their various activities just in time for family worship and Laundry Mountain awaits folding. The pressure feels relieved so I guess I'll end this post.

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