Birthday Grrrrl

I turned 43 three days ago. Not that long ago I read an article that said that men and women approach birthdays quite differently. For women, birthdays are seen as celebratory events; a time for socializing and connecting with their family, friends, and important people in their social life. Men, on the other hand, tend to look at birthdays as being days of reckoning, where they look at their goals and either pat themselves on the back for a job well done or are reminded of all the things that they didn’t accomplish and the goals they missed. One of the ways this difference is seen is reflected in the timing of death for men and women. Many elderly women die soon after their birthdays because making it to the birthday and having a time to celebrate is important to them. Men tend to die before their birthdays as a way of avoiding that day of reckoning. Or at least that was the thesis of the article that I read.

This birthday has been a combination of the above for me. First, the celebratory part. I had a very wonderful birthday this year and it was reflected in the care and attention that was devoted to me by my family. First of all, I received a nice card and gift from my parents on Friday. This brought a tear to my eye and a feeling of warmth around my heart when I read what my mom had to say. I also received a gift of a fridge magnet, a CD from a Christian musical artist, some beautifully fragrant soap and a candle made with healthy ingredients from Chris, a friend of Ben’s and a sort of adopted family member, and his mother. Now that was totally unexpected!

The next segment of birthday gifts could almost be titled, “Queen of the Day Meets Lord of the Rings.” My dear husband, Marc, spent a great deal of time over the preceeding weeks trying to track down some collectible LOTR action figures and the soundtracks to all three movies. Some of the children chipped in to help pay for them. Trista got me A Guide To Middle-Earth daily calendar with all kinds of interesting notes on the LOTR and other writings by Tolkein. Marc also bought me a DVD of a live concert of Great Big Sea to listen to and watch. Tamara bought me a makeup kit, Sam gave me a gym jacket, and Bethany got me some chocolate. Ben and Hannah made me a cake that was, um, interesting. [Note to self – INSIST on baking my own cake next year.] Marc took me out for a meal (Steak Neptune – yum!), and I had a two phone calls from my sister and my daughter Patricia , who phoned to wish me many happy returns.

After the children headed to bed, Marc, Nathanael and I watched a Johnny Depp movie, “Bennie and Joon.” I didn’t know who Johnny Depp was until I watched “Pirates of the Caribbean” recently. Now I have watched two other of his movies, “Edward Scissorhands” and the above mentioned and am beginning to recognize certain characteristic mannerisms that he brings to his work. He is very talented and I am looking forward to seeing more of his work.

Now for the reckoning part. The time of reckoning at my birthday is actually coincidental and the result of several books that I am working my way through. The first book is “The Sedona Method” by Hale Dwoskin, which I have quoted in other parts of my blog. There is a natural psychology that exists in the world separate from the nonsense one finds in a lot of the stuff taught in universities. I believe the Sedona Method taps into some of it. It is enabling me to see that I spend a lot of time spinning my wheels in emotions that don’t serve to get me where I need to go. So I am taking stock of my emotional life and sorting out the stuff that is holding me back from the success I desire and working on making corrections to the often irrational thoughts that keep those emotions rolling. In other words, I am learning to take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ in a more intense way.

Another book I am working through is called, Smart Women Finish Rich, by David Bach. Lest you think that this book is just about money grubbing, one of the first things you are asked to do is to set down what your values are. Once you do that, you are asked to look at your spending/saving/investing habits and see if they are supporting your values or negating them.

One of the things I was surprised to discover about myself is that despite whatever talents and abilities I seemingly have, and despite the fact that these things should tend towards success, I am actually afraid of success. I never really realized this before, but it goes a long way towards explaining all the great ideas that never get acted on, the unfinished projects, and the lack of progress in certain areas. It also explains a diffidence I feel whenever I am working with people, especially when it comes to getting paid for my services. It’s like despite the fact that I know I have done something to help them, I feel I don’t deserve to be reimbursed for my time or abilities. I also feel inhibited in selling my services to people or recommending products that have solid scientific, clinical studies and from which I have personally experienced and seen others derive benefit from.

Okay, now that I know what some of the problem is, what about some solutions? Well, not surprisingly, when I did a test for psychological reversal on the topic of being successful, I was reversed. I then did some EFT to help correct the problem and a later test seemed to indicate that I had successfully cleared that mental/emotional block. The acid test for seeing if I had cleared my “success diffidence” came last night when I was at the gym. I ran into a friend I haven’t seen for some time and got caught up on his family news. One of his daughters is having some health related problems and he is quite certain that much of the problem is being caused by the drugs that she was put on by the doctors. I was able to share with him some of what I am doing and suggested with confidence that I thought I could help his daughter with some of her challenges. He expressed great interest in what I had to say and assured me that I would be hearing from his wife concerning setting up an appointment for their daughter. Even if he never follows through, I am encouraged that I have had that much of a break through with myself. Prior to this my heart would have accelerated and my respiration would increase as I would have nearly a panic attack when recommending myself to someone. None of that occurred last night and I was able to discuss it calmly, rationally, and with conviction. I am thrilled in a calm sort of way.

I guess I’ll be keeping you all up-to-date on the kind of progress I will be making in the days ahead, both in slaying personal demons and in clearing out the internal noise pollution of “should, must, have to” that seems to accompany everything I do.