Something is Different, but I Don't Know What or Why
The past few weeks have been instructive ones. For one thing, I have had confirmed in a personal way how big a toll emotional angst can take on one, mostly by losing a lot of it. Spinning one's wheels is a fruitless activity that consumes a lot of emotional, mental, and physical energy. Remove the spinning wheels, and all of a sudden you have energy you didnt' know you had for other things.
I know I am not alone in this ~ so much of my drive to do things is driven by what "they" will think or say. Who "they" are I haven't yet determined. It is like I have this judge and jury in my head composed of a number of friends, family, church members, and other significant others who are waiting to pounce on my every mistake. I realize how ridiculous this is as I write it, because while there has been the odd person here and there who has been critical, it is mostly been from people I don't know well and care even less about.
Some things have changed in my head without me having to work at it. This was an unasked for grace. I have been able to see what my priorities clearly are and this has enabled me to determine what is important and worth spending time on and what is not important and which can afford to wait.
First priority: My relationship with God. More prayer and meditation on God's Word has been happening. Funny thing about my "episode". When everyone else was freaking out about the possibility of imminent death, it hasn't troubled me. I don't claim responsibility for this. God has worked in me to such an extent that while death remains an enemy, it isn't one I fear.
Second priority: My family. My kids are growing and will be gone sooner than I think. I'll never be able to have as much impact on them as I am now while they are still under my roof. All of a sudden homeschooling isn't the chore it was before. Instead it is a way to keep contact with my kids. Looks like I won't be using the Christian school next year. My husband needs taking care of. He's the only one I have and likely to be the only one I will ever have.
Third priority: Everyone and everything else. As important as it is to do good works (as the result, not the cause of salvation), everyone else has to take a backseat to the first two items. Not that I didn't already know this.
Here's what is funny: I have stressed less over messes in the house. The messes are disappearing and I am able to keep up with most of everything.
I am not stressing over the homeschooling, and now all of a sudden it is getting done in a timely and satisfactory manner.
Business is good. I am seeing a steady stream of clients but if they don't show up, well that means more time for other things.
I am content. I still have my ambitions, but I don't have this desperate need to beat the clock as far as getting them done. Naturopathic school will still be waiting for me when the times comes that I can devote my energies to it. In the meantime, I have plenty of good solid work and studies to keep me occupied.
I want to end this post on a note of apology. I have been aware for some time that a number of young women and mothers have looked at me like I was some sort of example to follow -- maybe not in terms of levels of sanctification, but perhaps in levels of sheer activity. For that I am sorry. I would hate for anyone to think that one must always be going, going, going in order to accomplish things of any worth or that the standard of godly womanhood was measured by how much laundry you get done in a day. As important as it can be to do, it is just as important just to be.