How my Days Begin...

My rattlesnake awakens me,
I swat its scaly head.
My buzzard pecks my belly
Till I fling it from the bed.
My rats attack me as I rise
But scatter when I roar.
I boot my sweet tarantula
Across the stony floor.

I tickle my piranha,
Who rewards me with a bite,
Then disengage the leeches
That besiege me over night.
I flick aside the lizard
Clinging grimly to my chin,
And now I feel I'm ready
For my morning to begin.

Another day has started,
I stretch and yawn and shout,
Then rap my cudgel on my head
To shake the cobwebs out.
I scratch my chest and belly,
My neck and knobby knees,
Then knock my head against the wall
To agitate my fleas.

I snort and grunt and rearrange
Some bones upong a shelf,
Then gaze into the mirror
And commence to groom myself.
I rinse my mouth with onion juice
And dab some on my chin,
I rub my cheeks with dragon blood
To uglify my skin.

I brush my hair with gargoyle oil
That's specially refined,
Then scrub my face with weasal grease,
The extra smelly kind.
When it's apparent I've achieved
My usual appeal,
I trudge into the kitchen
To prepare my morning meal.

Oh breakfast, lovely breakfast,
You're the meal I savor most.
I sip a bit of gargoyle bile
And chew some ghoul on toast.

I linger over scrambled legs
Complete with pickeled feet,
Then finish with a piping bowl
Of steamy Scream of Wheat.

[poem by Jack Prelutsky from his book Awful Ogre's Awful Day -- some days this matches my day.]